To feel so offended by my in-laws - what do I do ?

[butterflywingss]

Took my in-laws to visit my home country (at their request). My family here have been very welcoming to my in-laws and have been trying to be as helpful as possible to make it a good experience despite coming from a humble background. In my culture, respect is a huge thing and my family here wanted to arrange a dinner as a goodbye to my in-laws and also spend some time with them (no more than maybe 2 hours if that). However, my in laws have a very rude attitude in my eyes and don't want to make an effort at least for my sake, given I am always very respectful to their family. My DH has also been heavily disappointed me at all costs with this and now I am in a difficult position. My family will see it as a form of disrespect and lack of effort to not spare literally 1-2 hours and my in laws when I bring it up are very much changing convo as if it's nothing. Not to shit on their culture, but it's so clear to me now how cold they can be. What do I do ?? What excuse could I use to my family as I really don't want them to have a bad perception of my in laws either ?

I'm going to guess OP laid it out in plain and simple terms, probably getting a little upset in the process at their reactions. And her in-laws response to this was to belittle her in front of her husband. Which they felt fine in doing, because as OP says, he feels the same way as them about it all and they know that.

It makes all the comments telling her to speak to them pointless, as if they'll do what she wants and what is right if only she explains it well enough. OP has spoken to them, several times by the sounds of it, and her husband and in-laws just don't care how she or her family feels. They have no respect for her. It's really horrible.

Have you explicitly said “My parents are hosting a farewell meal in your honour on Tuesday; we will leave here at 6pm, the dress code is xyz, is that ok with everyone?”

And have they actually said they refuse to go?

What did they do that was disrespectful?

This is just a cultural difference. They didn't know they're being disrespectful anymore than you dont realise they're not!

You are disrespecting your DHs culture by telling him his parents are rude because "that's not how you do it here"

Not getting up is when you treat people informally. (Which means they're treating your family like their own family )

They are complimenting your country by your own admission and you are taking offence at them saying they understand you better ... thats a good thing surely?

They may decline the offer of a meal as "don't want to put them to any trouble " and to go out for a meal instead

Their son's wife's parents have invited them to dinner. In what culture wouldn't it be disrespectful to decline just because you cba?

I'd de offended and I'm British.

At this point, my advice would be to back your own family. Have their back. If you don't, you will come to regret this in the future.

I would gather husband and in-laws together and say you want to speak to them frankly and without interruption. Calmly explain that as they know, your family have invited them to dinner. In this culture, in this country - to decline such invitation is extremely disrespectful. If they refuse this invitation they must know that they have offended my family and therefore offended me.

Please can they discuss and advise you within the hour whether they wish to accept the invitation or not.

If they refuse at this point, then - to be honest these are not people that you want or need in your life. If your husband does not back you in this, then you need to seriously question your future with him.

Make it completely clear - so there can be no 'I didn't realise it was so important' blah blah etc.

Thats not what i said. I said they probably think they dont want to put them to any trouble. Which is a very British thing

There isn't a British culture where it is ok to be rude, and this is rude.

I'm sorry OP. I'm not sure there is an easy way to deal with this but remember that it will pass soon. What you write suggests that the experience has given you a lot of new understanding about your in-laws and that may help to inform your relationship with them in the future. If you do not want your parents to be offended, try and cushion the situation as well as you possibly can. They may be baffled but you may feel marginally better by not revealing to them the full extent of your in-laws' insensitivity.

I had a similar situation early in my marriage and it was very stressful. In-laws (parents and aunts+uncles; six people in total) announced they were coming to visit my parents. My parents bent over backwards arranging things for them (some they had specifically requested, some more 'local'). This was their personal choice but also the sort of thing someone from my neck of the woods would do when hosting foreign visitors, particularly if they are family. It did not go well: some things my in-laws lapped up (such as going for multiple drinks and ordering food, paid by my parents), others they were really put off by and offended (went into the local cathedral, UNESCO-type place, just to have a quick peek... FIL thought that was offensive because he is not a believer; being served food at my parents' home was also considered offensive because it should have been placed in a bowl in front of them, etc). They also asked us to drive them around on the day they were meant to do an activity with my parents and siblings (their original request, which then they decided to cancel but expected my siblings to lend us their cars to go off without them), etc, etc.

I ended up 'translating' quite creatively and making up excuses to avoid offending my baffled family too much. My DH and I argued a lot; it was interesting how each of us immediatedly got behind our own families. The lessons I learnt: 1) never bring our families together again 2) never underestimate how family and cultural loyalties can suddenly complicate a marriage.

Like you, I learnt a lot about my in-laws. Some of their behaviour has a cultural component but most of it has to do with a wilful lack of awareness and selfishness. We all have our own ways of seeing the world and doing things but when one is a visitor/guest, one needs to be gracious and minimally respectful.

not getting up to greet and shake hands

making disparaging comments about OPs homecountry and culture

this is not just about the dinner

This is why I have very little interest in my family socialising with DH's.

That said, the line 'it's an invitation not a summons' is often trotted out on here, and I kind of get it. People shouldn't have to do something they don't want to do just to keep others happy. Maybe they find your family boring, or awkward, or they just want to relax on their final night before travelling. You might see this as rude, but they are all valid reasons not to want to do an activity with people.

Whatever their reason, you and your family can see it as rude and be all up in arms about it, or you can just shrug and say 'different strokes for different folks, at least we offered' and move on with your lives.

I used to work in India for periods of a month or so at a time. In the main place I worked the people took a bit of offence that I wouldn't drink the water without treating it insisting it was fine and they never got ill. When they and I had to work in a town some distance away from where they lived they wouldn't drink the water because it would make them ill! They still didn't understand why I wouldn't drink their water. If your gut is used to the local bugs it's fine, if not you get ill easily. It is easier in a hotel to be careful what you eat and drink, in someone's home you can cause offence by not wanting to eat something prepared specially for you that they 'know you will love' and are urging you to try. I would try most things if they were properly hot, but some things I wouldn't dare. It's bad if you get ill when you are there to work.

well your inlaws are rude people, so let your family think that.

It's not your fault. you can only explain that they come from a different culture and as adults your family should be able to understand that people have different cultures.

It's not very nice and your inlaws don't sound like a barrel of laughs but there's nothing much you can do about it.

If the inlaws don't want to have a meal with your parents, leave them at home and you go out with your family before you return home.

Did they actually say they couldn’t be bothered to go the meal?
I think a lot is getting lost in cultural translation, here.
Them complimenting your country and saying “that’s why you are the way you are” is not necessarily an insult. You interpreted it that way. You said they were cold because of their culture and rude for not standing up to shake hands, which would be seen as accepting them as family in some cultures.
What was their explanation for not going?

I think they want some holiday time. You say you've planned everything. It sounds exhausting..maybe they want to lounge all day?

It's not about your culture. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, if you have an invite like that and you are not otherwise engaged, then you should make an effort and get to know their son's family.

Which country are you talking about?

Yeah rude, honestly I’d be telling my family that they are just rude and I’m sorry for inflicting my rude in-laws on them. It’s not you who should be embarrassed it’s your Dh and his family.

Even if I wasn’t clued up on another culture I’d do my best to be friendly and accommodating to my son in-laws family, especially if he were always accommodating to us.

And stop being so nice to these people. Only be nice to people who reciprocate your behaviour, anything else is a waste of effort.

I don't think it's worth twisting into knots to try and fix this.
Your in laws don't sound very well mannered or kind.
I think you need to just let their actions speak for them you can't be the one in the middle. You have asked they have said no.
Your family sound lovely and as you said it was only for a few hours and nothing else is planned.
Some people just won't put themselves out of their confort zone.
If I was your DH I would be mortified he doesn't sound like he's tried to urge his parents to go, like he's not bothered about your parents good impression of him and his parents. They all sound a bit dim.

I'm sorry but your husband and Inlaws are being rude. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Would it be possible for you to organise a dinner at a hotel or restaurant and invite everyone including your parents. Explain to them that this is their tradition to say thank for being so welcoming. Would that work? Good luck - sending you a big hug ❤

Some people just don't understand the social nicities of putting others before yourselves to be polite and respectful. To oil the wheels of family harmony by sitting down for a meal.
They all share a DGD?.How about maybe showing politeness as an example to both sides DC and DGC?

I think you just need to be honest with your family.

Thank you all for all your responses 🙏🏻
Up until the very morning we had to get up and leave, they decided they were coming BUT not for me or my family but simply because there were some mini market shops close by that they were interested in going to. My family served and hosted very nicely but they weren't as engaged and seemed to only speak with each other. It was mainly my family trying to make convos rather than them. I did explain to my family and apologised and that they simply are different and I can't change that and thanked them for all the effort they put in. My family even got them little gifts as a good will gesture but the little snarky comments and attitude just really ticked me off. They thanked me after but don't know how genuine it was given actions were a bit different. I guess we all learn in the end.

They are utterly uncouth OP.
Is it really such a shock to you?
I find it hard to believe from what you have written.
Your family sound like lovely kind people.

I would sit your PIL down & explain you'd really like them to attend an hours meal with your parents & how much it would mean to you & them if they did. Let them know it would be upsetting to your parents if they refused the invite as in your culture it's disrespectful to say no. If they still refuse to go then at least you now where you stand with them & you don't need to make any effort with them once you're home. I'd also be having words with my DH for not having my back & not asking his parents to be respectful to your parents.

I would spend your last day with your parents and explain your in laws have no respect nor care if there actions offend.