Struggling with widowed SILs new relationship.

[DilemmaDelilah]

My lovely stepdaughter had a baby in 2014 and she and our now SIL had a romantic destination wedding in 2016. Heartbreakingly she developed bowel cancer and died in 2019. Our SIL has been very active on Facebook since then with lots of posts about his broken heart, missing mummy on mother's day etc. We don't live close and only go up to see him and our granddaughter a couple of times a year, but we try to keep a good and open relationship with him for our granddaughter's sake. We found out just after Christmas, via a Facebook post, that he is in another relationship and we found out last week that it was the anniversary of that relationship, so it has been going on for over a year. I fully believe that he should be able to move on and that he is entitled to be happy, but we do wish that it hasn't been hidden from us for so long. It also seems strange that he continues to post broken-hearted messages about his wife, whilst also posting loved up photos of him with his girlfriend. We are also somewhat concerned that we will lose touch with our granddaughter now she seems to have a new family.

My DH is finding it particularly difficult and I am not sure how to navigate this whole situation. It was hard enough for him to lose his daughter without the prospect of losing his granddaughter too.

At present all contact with them is initiated by me, and that is how it has always been. We send Easter eggs, birthday presents and Christmas presents and go up to see them and other members of the family a couple of times a year. In previous years they have popped in to see us on their way to holiday in Cornwall, but I had to cancel that visit last year as I was seriously ill after having a bad reaction to cancer treatment. They have already had a holiday in Cornwall this year, all of them, but no suggestion that they would see us this time.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to go forward from here? Shall I just carry on as before, or is there anything else I could do?

I'm sorry you lost your SD. I don't mean this harshly, but if you're only seeing your grandchild twice a year you're not very actively involved in their lives so I think you're expecting too much from him tbh. All you can do is be happy he's met someone, it's a good thing, and separate from he issue from your relationship with him. If you want to improve the situation going forward, your DH needs to think about he can be more involved, otherwise, you will always be in the periphery.

I do empathise with you as it sounds like it has fallen to you, but your DH doesn't seem overly invested, and I'm sure the SIL can feel that.

You can be happy in a new relationship and still deeply miss your deceased spouse. Keep judgemental thoughts to yourself about it being too soon. And it probably is up to you to make contact if you want to stay in touch with your granddaughter.

Hmm. It really doesn't sound like your DH makes much effort with him.

It's great that he's found someone new, if he's been widowed since 2019.

I think it’s lovely they have found someone new. Please try not to make it all about you.

Agree with PP your husband needs to initiate contact more, as the biological grandparent. Apologies as I don't know how close to your step-daughter you were but it's possible that they see you as 'just' a step, whilst your husband is undeniably the bio relative.

I was the child in this scenario so had three sets of grandparents (two bio, one step). We moved away so had less contact with my dead parent's side. Here we are, decades later, and they are the side I'm most in contact with. So whatever you do keep in contact, if only Christmas and birthday (include any children from the new relationship). At some point your stepdaughter's child will want to know more about her mum.

If it has just been a year then it had been four ish years since the SD died.
That is a significant amount of time. Although how much time it has been is none of your business. Having been widowed myself I know plenty have an opinion but they should keep those to their selves. Always.

And you can do both. The fact he is posting about both means he knows having a new partner and missing his partner that died are different things. He also appears to be recognising that their daughter has lost her mother whether he is in a relationship again or not.

If you only see your granddaughter a couple of times are year that is a bit shit to be honest. Your husband being concerned about losing her needs to step up more - you say contact is all through you? He isn't that bothered then? Seems like he is getting worked up about something that is also none of his business. If he wants to maintain a relationship with his granddaughter he needs to facilitate this - it is not on the sil to do this. He has enough to do being a single parent to his daughter.

He won't have stopped loving you SD just because he's in a new relationship. And he might be feeling guilty about the new relationship and scared that he'll upset you both if he tells you, so he's let it leak out via SM.

I know it's super hard but I'd contact him and tell him you are happy for him, he doesn't need to hide things from you and that it's important to you to be part of your granddaughter's life (agree with PPs that you should be seeing her more).

I agree it’s a bit rich of DH to worry about the future relationship when he makes no effort with the present one.

It’s never been easier in human history to stay in touch with people we don’t live near. My sister lives on the other side of the world and despite the awkward time difference she kids have a really meaningful relationship with mine.

I’m terribly sorry your DSD died, that’s heartbreaking. But her husband is young and it was 5 years ago. She’d hopefully rather he could find happiness again than stay in mourning. And it’s perfectly possible to miss his late wife while embracing happiness with his partner.

If your DH is only seeing his grandchild twice a year despite her DM dying in 2019 then her DH of course will have had a hard time raising his DD on his own whilst grieving. But hes met someone and has moved on and you may be too late 5 years later to try to reinvigorate the relationship with SIL and GD without some serious effort from you both. I realise it must have been hard for you to travel if you've been undergoing treatment yourself, but your grandaughter is school age now and probably busy most weekends with clubs and parties as they are at that age. Do you facetime her or send regular letters/emails, apart from easter/christmas?

Could you suggest visits to them (and stay at a hotel nearby), or meet up for the day if they're near you on holiday? That'd give you a chance to meet his new DP too.

She's not making it all about her. But the situation IS partly about her (or more accurately about her DH).

Losing contact with a much loved grandchild is a very real possibility in this kind of situation, and it's easy for the in law parent of that child to not recognise the importance of the relationship with the grandparent.

OP, it really is down to you and your DH to continue (and maybe work harder at) maintaining that connection. Twice a year isn't a lot. And you'll stand far more chance of the couple facilitating that if you embrace their new relationship and give every impression that you're happy for him.

I know that's easier said than done. You can't move on in the same way because you can't replace a daughter. But you're going to have to put on the performances of your lives if you want to keep a positive relationship and see your DGC more often.

Can't you travel to see them
Instead? Why should it always be them
That travels. If you want to stay in your granddaughter's life you are going to have to put more effort it.

So your sil hasn't cut back on visits at all, and you only see them twice a year anyway. I think if your dh wants a relationship with his grandchild, he should step up and try to see them at least once every couple of months.
If the new relationship goes the distance, there may be a new baby in the next few years and the more support you can offer, the better.

Yes she is, and nothing has changed on contact with grandkids, what are you on about, at least read the op

Very sorry you lost your sd. But other posters are right - seeing your grandchild, who lost their mum, only a couple of times a year, is not a lot really. I do appreciate that lockdown/covid wiped out a couple of years of visits, but since then 2 a year is very little. I appreciate you had to cancel their Cornwall visit, and why, but also I see why this year, they didn't suggest it and went without stopping in on you. They maybe felt it might be too much trouble for you.

Also, from the point of view of the new girlfriend, I suppose she might feel awkward. So I think you are going to have to make a massive effort to be very, very welcoming to her. I also see why he didn't tell you about the relationship until they'd been together a year - he wanted to be sure it was worth it before telling you. Of course it would be hard for you to see him with someone new, and he knows that, so was only going to say anything when he knew it was an important relationship. I think he did the right thing fwiw.

You see the child a couple of times a year and all contact is initiated by you, not your husband? So… if you weren’t sorting it then he wouldn’t bother with his granddaughter at all? And you have the cheek to judge your son in law?

His wife died, and he had a very young child. And the support from you was a couple tomes a year, and no contact from your husband. Why would he bother with you? Now you’ve got a problem with him moving on.

He is perfectly entitled to a new relationship and family, as well as continuing to mourn and remember his wife. If he wants to post stuff then let him without judgement. He should be keeping her alive for his daughter’s sake so it’s good he talks about her.

Maybe make more effort or, better yet, your husband could make an effort.

His wife died and you only see them a couple of times a year??

Its lovely that your granddaughters father has been able to find new happiness and love in such a sad situation. His wife died 5 years ago. He's allowed to grieve and move on in his own way, in his own time. Would your husband rather he’d wallow in self pity for the rest of his life? Does he think that would be helpful to either of them? Maybe your husband could pull his finger out and make an effort with his granddaughter. And maybe get to know his SIL & partner properly.

It's possible that your SIL didn't wa too impose his new relationship on you, going down to Cornwall. Perhaps he was trying to be sensitive?

But as PP have said, if your DH doesn't make the effort then he's going to reap what he sows, isnt he?

Perhaps SIL didn't know how to broach the subject? If you don't see that much of them, then obviously the relationship isn't really that close.

It's been 4 years. If a stronger relationship is wanted, then your dh needs to step up.

I was widowed young with young children a few years ago. I am lucky to still have a good relationship with my in-laws and they still see DC regularly. I haven’t had another relationship since DH died and don’t expect to any time soon, but I can imagine how really hard it would be for my in-laws if I did so I understand that this is difficult for you. Does it help to think that your SIL will always love your SD and miss her and grieve even though he has another relationship? It is very possible for him to continue to love your SD and also love someone else who makes him and your GD happy. I agree with what others have said that you and DH need to try and see him and your GD more to maintain a meaningful relationship as she grows up, but I understand why that has been difficult while you were having treatment for cancer so that’s something to work towards if possible.

Op losing your SD must have been devastating for your and your dh.

But you and your dh are unreasonable here.

Of course he can have a new relationship AND miss his wife. He can also enjoy his new relationship and feel incredibly sad that he and their child isn’t getting the future they planned with her. He can be desperately sad that his child doesn’t have their mother. And still have a new relationship.

Your husband maybe struggling with the need. But he doesn’t initiate contact with his son in law or grand child. You only visit a couple of times a year and expect to be kept upto date in the personal life of your SIL. He probably felt awkward telling you and since you aren’t really involved didn’t see the need to.

You and your husband can feel how you want to feel. But what alternative would there be. That your sil stays the grieving widower for the rest of his life? Surely neither of you wanted that. Would your SD have wanted that?

If you want to be kept up to date about what’s happening in your grandchild’s life, I think your dh really need to be stepping up and engaging in the child’s life more.

We live 6 hours away from them and it is always us who makes the effort to go and see them @Toddlerteaplease , apart from a couple of hours popping in when they went down to Cornwall, previously. Not only is it a long journey and getting more and more difficult as we get older and less well, but we also need to stay in a hotel as we are not invited to stay by any of our family there (to be honest it would be difficult for any of them to find room for us) and it is expensive. I am not complaining about the lack of effort on his part, when we do see him he is charming and an excellent host if we go there for lunch, I am just concerned that we might lose our granddaughter in the future.

My DH has never been great at communicating and is happy to leave that to me, but he is finding it really difficult at the moment as he feels that his daughter had been replaced, and I totally understand how he feels. However, as I have already said, I completely understand that our SIL wants to move on and I want him to be happy. It is only our relationship with our granddaughter that we are worried about.

Those who have suggested that he may just be being considerate by not pushing his new relationship on us are probably right. He is a nice man. And yes, it is possible to grieve for a lost wife and to be happy in a new, different, relationship. I

I don't know why I am surprised at the number of people who immediately leap to the conclusion that we aren't doing enough to keep in touch - I message my other stepdaughter frequently but I rarely get a response from my SIL when I message him, and he never initiates contact. I'm not complaining about that, I understand he has his own life, but it's not that we don't try.

My DH agrees that SIL will want, and need, to move on and understands that intellectually, but emotionally he is struggling with it. I sent a message to SIL after we saw his post with his girlfriend after Christmas, wishing him well, and when we saw him earlier this year I checked how many people he would like to bring to lunch (we host all the family for a pub lunch while we are up there) so he would know that his girlfriend was invited. So I think I am doing my bit.

I think they may go down to Cornwall again in the summer holidays so I think I will message him to invite them ALL to lunch, or whatever, if they are coming down this way again. What do you think... good idea? or not?

My DH is finding it particularly difficult and I am not sure how to navigate this whole situation. It was hard enough for him to lose his daughter without the prospect of losing his granddaughter too.

I'm in no doubt that I would find it really hard to see my grandchild have new 'mother' in these circumstances. But my strategy would absolutely be to reach out, express warmth and create a relationship that would be lonely to result in her being positive about my involvement with my DGDs. They're really is no other way.

I too am surprised that your DH leaves it to you to initiate contact, and that it's only twice a year. I know you say that they don't live near, but still. How far away is their home?
I do think your DH needs to recognise that it's down to him to create a warm relationship with both his son in law and his new partner... and consequently his grandchild.

Basically his need for a relationship with the child is far greater than his son in law's need for a relationship with you both. So the effort needs to come from you.

Sorry, I cross posted with you @DilemmaDelilah . And yes, six hours is a long way.

I hope your strategies work for you, and definitely make sure that he knows that all invitations include her and are warmly offered to her.

That sounds like a great idea.

What you’ve got here is a DH who finds communicating difficult, grieving his DD, and a SIL who’s the single parent of a young child, grieving his wife and navigating a new relationship.

Realistically, everyone can only do their best, but others might think they could do more. From the outside, it sounds pretty evenly balanced, tbh. If neither side is the best at communicating then you’ll need to keep doing what you’re doing.

Send your DGD letters & small things in the post. Kids love that. Keep her mum’s memory alive for her with photo books or sharing stories when you see her. Celebrate from afar as much as you can what’s happening in her life. Embrace her new stepmum and keep in touch with her dad, just as you’re doing. Try to focus your DH on building connection not looking to the past, as hard as it is. Give everyone the maximum grace.

💐