Struggling with widowed SILs new relationship.

[DilemmaDelilah]

My lovely stepdaughter had a baby in 2014 and she and our now SIL had a romantic destination wedding in 2016. Heartbreakingly she developed bowel cancer and died in 2019. Our SIL has been very active on Facebook since then with lots of posts about his broken heart, missing mummy on mother's day etc. We don't live close and only go up to see him and our granddaughter a couple of times a year, but we try to keep a good and open relationship with him for our granddaughter's sake. We found out just after Christmas, via a Facebook post, that he is in another relationship and we found out last week that it was the anniversary of that relationship, so it has been going on for over a year. I fully believe that he should be able to move on and that he is entitled to be happy, but we do wish that it hasn't been hidden from us for so long. It also seems strange that he continues to post broken-hearted messages about his wife, whilst also posting loved up photos of him with his girlfriend. We are also somewhat concerned that we will lose touch with our granddaughter now she seems to have a new family.

My DH is finding it particularly difficult and I am not sure how to navigate this whole situation. It was hard enough for him to lose his daughter without the prospect of losing his granddaughter too.

At present all contact with them is initiated by me, and that is how it has always been. We send Easter eggs, birthday presents and Christmas presents and go up to see them and other members of the family a couple of times a year. In previous years they have popped in to see us on their way to holiday in Cornwall, but I had to cancel that visit last year as I was seriously ill after having a bad reaction to cancer treatment. They have already had a holiday in Cornwall this year, all of them, but no suggestion that they would see us this time.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to go forward from here? Shall I just carry on as before, or is there anything else I could do?

Your GD is 10 now. Do you think she may have a mobile phone? Some do at that age. Perhaps you could ask if it's ok to have her number and keep in touch with her directly by text or phone call?

You could message her when you know she's got end of year tests, or breaking up for summer hols, or going to a party etc. let her know you're interested in what she's up to and are proud of her.

It doesn't need to be often (and probably shouldn't be), maybe once a month or so. I know that my own DD loves getting a message from her grandad who lives in another country.

Have you ever asked to have your granddaughter for a week in the summer holidays as that’s the sort of thing I’d be doing and putting yourself / husband out to go collect and deliver her . As a pp said , send your granddaughter letters / postcards / cards at regular intervals most children love getting post . Have you actually said to the son in law that you would love to meet his new partner to get to know her rather than just intimating that he is welcome to bring her to lunch . I really think that you / your husband need to be putting in a lot more effort than it would appear you currently do .

Most people think his father is the one who needs to communicate better, that it's not your job to try to make up for his deficiencies.

I lost my husband when my daughters were tiny. I told PIL about a new relationship when I felt it was serious enough to do so and this was about 5 years after losing DH. I'd previously dated but judged it not worry telling them.

PIL said they were pleased for me and invited DP to their home with us to meet him, they treat as a member of the family. There has been no negative consequences for their relationship with my daughters as they are very committed grandparents and focus on what is best for the girls.

Definitely include SIL's new partner in your invites, welcome her and then focus on your GC and all will be well.

I'm sorry for your loss.

The thing is, rationally of course your SIL can move on, in fact, it's important that he does have a new partner (who is supportive of his love for his wife as well by the sounds of it, she sounds great) but it's only human to feel upset by that. All the suggestions people have about keeping in touch with your GD are excellent and I think if you reach out to your SIL to make it 'ok' for them to come, and I'd state this explicitly, then things will be easier.

This is good advice. PIL have my daughters during their summer holidays

Do you talk on the phone with SIL and granddaughter or video call them? Or do you only message and then occasionally see them in person? What about suggesting meeting up with halfway between your two homes?

I think you need to break the ice and let him know you know
I don’t know. If approval is the right word but he may of been worried about your and DH’s reactions and with you all having little contact just didn’t announce it

How about a warm and frank conversation with your SIL about your worries? If you haven't already done this how will he know that you are very keen to remain involved? The distance doesn't make things easy or frequent so that just means that contract needs to be more deliberate and planned. Talking always helps to clarify matters and will hopefully stop the worry and stress.
💐

I think you're being unreasonable. It's nearly 5 years he's been widowed, I would be pleased he's found someone. Perhaps he didn't let you know earlier because he was worried you would react as you have?
And just because he's in a new relationship doesn't mean he stops acknowledging his loss. I have a friend who was widowed at 29. She's now 60 but still posts in memory of him, despite having been happily married with two children for 25 years.

It sounds like you are the ones who decided to move away so I think you need to understand the impact that will have on relationships. The truth is, if you want to increase the chances of maintaining a relationship with your GD, if you're not able to travel often, you will have to move closer, but if you want to live where you live you need to understand the ramifications of that. That said, as she gets older, if she is a confident child and you are capable, perhaps you could have her during some of the school holidays, if everyone is comfortable with that, that is how we have maintained relationships with grandparents at a distance. It works well as it gives us a break, helps the nightmare of childcare in holidays and enables them to bond.

To your more specific question, yes, absolutely, invite them all to lunch.

How many times has your granddaughter come to stay for a week during the holidays? How often have you taken her away with you on mini-breaks? How many times a week does your husband call and speak to his granddaughter on the phone?

I think that it’s going to be hard for you all to navigate. You are happy that he’s happy but scared that your relationship with him and dgc will change, he’s likely worried about you knowing about his new dp.

Instead of messaging/texting etc why not call? Say how lovely it is to see him happy and how you hope to welcome his new dp into the family and ask how you can help to make it less awkward for them (it must be a bit awkward for her!).

It sounds like the men are all a bit lazy about communicating and keeping up the relationships so if you don’t want to lose the relationships then you need to do the work.

I agree your DH should be doing more to keep a relationship going with grand daughter and Son in Law and not leaving it all to you. The relationship with the Son in Law is important, he holds the cards here in how often you see GD. DH may be grieving still but he needs to understand he will indeed lose contact with GD if he doesn't make an effort.

Are you speaking to her weekly via Facetime/Zoom ? If not why not? She's hardly going to want to come to yours for half terms or school holidays if she doesn't feel she knows you well.

My brother and sister in law live in New Zealand and yet have a very close relationship with their 3 UK based grandchildren. They all speak via Zoom every week and GP's are sent drawings and pictures by he kids to talk about. They've just been been over to visit UK for 3 weeks and have done so for last 3 years (Covid obviously stopped it for a bit). Obviously that is hugely expensive for two retired people on a not large pension income (they also stay in a nearby Air B&B) but they save all their discretionary spending for that trip. Even the youngest who is only 2 has had no hesitation in joining in with hugs and cuddles as all the kids feel they are part of the family in no part due to how much effort my bro & SiL put into that.

@opilikg and others. We didn't move away, as such. My DH divorced their mum and moved away over nearly 40 years ago and I met him15 years ago. Good idea to try to keep in touch with our granddaughter personally. It wouldn't work to have her to stay unfortunately - she doesn't know us well enough (I know!), she has loads of activities and competitions she wouldn't want to miss, and we just aren't well enough to look after her. She is used to being constantly occupied and amused and quite frankly some days it's as much as we can manage just to get through the day!

I know she is in constant contact with her cousins abroad, so that should be possible, if she wants to. Thank you for that helpful suggestion.

I have a step-son and a 10yr old grandson. We live abroad from them so only visit bi-annually due to DH’s health.

HOWEVER, I agree that it sounds like your DH isn’t doing enough to keep in touch with his granddaughter. Most 10yr olds have some form of tech that they can use to message on. How about you and your DH messaging her at least once a week? You can also arrange to FaceTime her at least once every couple of months.

@DilemmaDelilah I truly empathise with you but not your DH, he has made his bed so he needs to lie in it, he moved away, he's leaving it to you to maintain contact, if he was genuinely worried he'd be doing more. Don't burden his guilt.

Is there much contact between the GD and her biological GM ?

Maybe as all the contact comes from you and not the GF, the son in law thinks he isn't that interested.

I am the ‘new partner’ in a similar scenario.

Maternal Grandparents (not seperated) visit similarly 1-2 x per year and live a distance away

I can tell you that it is extremely difficult for DH to see them as it is a huge reminder of what happened.

DH also struggled with the fact that he became a single parent, had to deal with all the practical logistics surrounding the death whilst looking after a child by himself and had zero support from them, there’s never been any offer of financial help (baring in mind his wife earned £80k and did not have life insurance) and there has been no practical offer of help either. My step daughter doesn’t particularly enjoy seeing them as she barely knows them and we both find it very stressful.

We do try and make effort and send photos regularly etc but we feel there is not a huge amount of effort from them and this makes us inclined to not want to see them. Of course we do as it’s important our daughter has that connection. But maintaining that relationship has been extremely stressful on our family.

At the end of the day, your SILs world is now his new partner and his daughter and growing that world and focusing on making it as happy as possible amidst the grief I can assure you takes an enormous amount of energy, time, patience, love. It leaves very little left to give to people who do not bring anything to the table. Certainly no time for a 12 hour round trip.

Im so sorry to say that whilst you are grandparents, if you only see them once or twice a year, and only send presents (have you set up a trust fund/helped at all with finances for childcare etc?) it sounds like the immense effort required to see you will not be a priority for them

I would suggest that you need to put in a huge amount of effort. Check in with your SIL, is he ok? Does he need financial help? Mental health support? Does your granddaughter need counselling? Does the new partner want to be introduced to you? How are they finding things? Is the new partner involved with your granddaughter? If she is I would say a huge thank you to her.

These are things wr wished we’d been asked.
We also get presents at holiday times but often they are not suitable as they don’t know what she likes. Make sure you ask this too.

@Kf12g10 you seem to have completely the wrong idea of our, and my SILs, finances. My husband is 70 and retired, on a small pension. I am coming up to retirement and had to reduce my hours due to being extremely unwell following cancer treatment. We aren't well off by any means. We have 3 other daughters between us and 5 other grandchildren. We are trying to save as much as we can to allow us to manage when I retire without having to rely on our own children to help us, we certainly don't have any money to spare to set up trust funds for any of our grandchildren. On the other hand our SIL has a very well paid job and no mortgage. He goes on holiday several times a year, which is a lot more than we do. He is not suffering financially. Just going to visit our family 6 hours away for just a few days costs us about £750 each time, with petrol, hotel, food and drink plus hosting them all for lunch. I'm not sure where you think we are going to find the money to set up a trust fund for just one of our grandchildren? And since it wouldn't be fair to set one up for just one child, where would we find the money for trust funds for the other five as well? Their parents are much less well off than he is.

He has a lot of family local to him who have supported him, and a huge number of supportive friends which we are very grateful for. My DH has me.

And we ALWAYS ask for present ideas - but our finances are limited so we have to have a budget.

Wow. What a transactional view you have of the relationship with the grandparents. Or as you so kindly put it "people who do not. bring anything to the table"... Which appears to mean if they're not handing over money, they're not worthy of anyone's time.

there’s never been any offer of financial help (baring in mind his wife earned £80k and did not have life insurance)

And whose fault was the lack of life insurance? Certainly not the child's grandparents.
Your post seems to be pretty much all about money.

I’m not sure you should worry about treating this grandchild differently, she lost her mum at 5 years old. This has been very hard for you both, imagine how it’s been for her.

Im glad he’s had other support but do you actually know this? Have you asked? Have you actually ever asked how he’s coping?

My other suggestions cost nothing

Please don’t take offence to my post, you asked for advice and given I have a unique position to offer advice I have made suggestions which would help us with our relationship with my SD grandparents.

It may grate on your step son in law that all the contact is made by you and not your dh. Your dh is the biological grandparent and he doesn't seem to be making the effort.

Honestly... his wife died. So yes, you would need to be the ones making an effort and I'd expect my parents to step up with the kids if I died and offer to have the kids for a week, drive down regularly and see them and generally be supportive. And yes, you can still grieve someone whilst in a new relationship. I would see it at as a really good sign for your DGD that he still feels able to openly grieve in his new relationship.