Struggling with widowed SILs new relationship.

[DilemmaDelilah]

My lovely stepdaughter had a baby in 2014 and she and our now SIL had a romantic destination wedding in 2016. Heartbreakingly she developed bowel cancer and died in 2019. Our SIL has been very active on Facebook since then with lots of posts about his broken heart, missing mummy on mother's day etc. We don't live close and only go up to see him and our granddaughter a couple of times a year, but we try to keep a good and open relationship with him for our granddaughter's sake. We found out just after Christmas, via a Facebook post, that he is in another relationship and we found out last week that it was the anniversary of that relationship, so it has been going on for over a year. I fully believe that he should be able to move on and that he is entitled to be happy, but we do wish that it hasn't been hidden from us for so long. It also seems strange that he continues to post broken-hearted messages about his wife, whilst also posting loved up photos of him with his girlfriend. We are also somewhat concerned that we will lose touch with our granddaughter now she seems to have a new family.

My DH is finding it particularly difficult and I am not sure how to navigate this whole situation. It was hard enough for him to lose his daughter without the prospect of losing his granddaughter too.

At present all contact with them is initiated by me, and that is how it has always been. We send Easter eggs, birthday presents and Christmas presents and go up to see them and other members of the family a couple of times a year. In previous years they have popped in to see us on their way to holiday in Cornwall, but I had to cancel that visit last year as I was seriously ill after having a bad reaction to cancer treatment. They have already had a holiday in Cornwall this year, all of them, but no suggestion that they would see us this time.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to go forward from here? Shall I just carry on as before, or is there anything else I could do?

its certainly not all about money at all, it’s about support but OP already said that a) they can’t provide childcare and b) the grandfather is finding it hard to communicate, sending presents is not support and without practical or emotional support that leaves financial which was why I suggested it

If financial support is a definite no then emotional or practical is left and that is what I suggested

I agree with those suggesting that you and your DH start contacting your DGD directly. At 10, she’s old enough to build a relationship directly with you. She may already have her own phone or she’ll get one in the near future, which makes it easy to text/FaceTIme. Obviously let your son-in-law know that you’d like to do this, he’s unlikely to have any objections.

With children, I personally feel that the onus is on the adults to build a relationship with them. Distance can be overcome-my Dad is closer to my teenagers than my in-laws, even though he lives in a different country! He makes an effort and DD (19) still sends him cards, etc. from university.

its certainly not all about money at all, it’s about support

There's very little sympathy for the father's grief here. I can't imagine how I'd (not) cope with losing one of my daughters, a young mother, so young.

I also questioned his apparent lack of engagement, but maybe he's stuck in grief and not been able to move forward? And when money is short, and distances very long, the funding and the planning might seem almost insurmountable for someone who's depressed. He was possibly in no fit state to be an emotional support. As might have been the case with your partners in-laws

I imagine that I'd be the opposite and become desperately clingy with the DGC. Which would also be horribly annoying for her dad (but less possible at 6 hours distance)

Unfortunately it’s just awful circumstances all round and whilst I cannot imagine the insurmountable grief for the parents, when there is a child involved it becomes even harder

I agree there should be some effort both sides but the question was about what they could do more of

don't know why I am surprised at the number of people who immediately leap to the conclusion that we aren't doing enough to keep in touch

because you see them twice a year?
Oh and your DH is not the “best communicator” so i’m guessing not calling regularly etc

your 70 year old DH is very active on FB seeing all these posts? or you are and you tell your DH?

and She is used to being constantly occupied and amused and quite frankly some days it's as much as we can manage just to get through the day!

i get distinct whiff here of…. judgey pants about how he parents and this young child’s behaviour