Money disagreement with dh

[Butterfingerr]

Hi,

dh and I (both 45) have always maintained separate finances. This was something that we both decided on at the start of our relationship. Each month we each contribute an equal amount towards bills and household costs. The remainder stays in our own account for personal spends etc. we both have hobbies and social lives with our female/male friends so we’ve always preferred having some financial independence.

for reasons that I won’t go into, my credit card debt is higher than I’m comfortable with. I’ve taken steps to sort this and have a plan. I‘m not in arrears or anything like that and it’s manageable- just more than I’d like it to be. I’m a little embarrassed by it and haven’t discussed it with dh. It’s solely my debt and it’s paid from my personal account.

Yesterday he saw my credit card statement and was really shitty with me, accusing me of being a liar. I’m not a liar- I just didn’t want to discuss it.

It would make sense if we pooled our money, but we don’t. We’ve always maintained financial independence so I didn’t/ don’t feel that I need to disclose it. If it was something that I couldn’t manage or sort out then that would be a different kettle of fish.

given that we keep separate finances, am I really obliged to have told him about my cc balance?

@caringcarer that applies to an overdraft on a joint account. Spouses are NOT responsible for debts held in the other persons name.

Amazing that this thread has been dominated by discussions of liability - and not by questions of trust - which is the primary reason for which either party of a couple is justified in feeling so let down by omitted debt.

I think it's the secrecy. If DH kept a secret like that, I would wonder if there was anything else he was hiding from me.

It isn't just a consideration for him in the event of a divorce. If you lost your job or got ill and couldn't work for some reason then he is the one that would financially support you. Or if you wanted to make a big joint purchase like a holiday or a home renovation or get a new boiler or fix the roof, your debt affects that. Or if you wanted to move house it affects your credit rating, so it does impact him.

Of course, having a couple of hundred pounds on a credit card because you made a big purchase is different to owing thousands because you haven't been managing your money. But secrecy in a marriage is still problematic.

I'd be angry if I found out DH had hidden debt too. And also sad that he felt unable to share that with me, so I can see where he's coming from even if I don't think he should have called you a liar.

Did you spend it on something he disagrees with? Not that it should matter!

I’d be livid with my husband if he got into debt without telling me.

Debt is a problem, CC debt isn't a mortgage, it can get away from you, it says something that you didn't want him to know the figure. It's a secret. It's not a healthy attitude to have. You're upset because you're defensive. It's one thing to have separate finances, it's another to have secrets.

It shows a level of dishonesty and that is what the posters DH does not like.

We keep separate finances and it works because there is transparency.

I’m afraid I’m with your husband, and I think you’re playing semantics, I wasn’t lying I just didn’t wish to discuss it. You hid it, I assume as you’re embarassed by it.

if my husband had racked up a lot of debt, I’d also take issue with it, even though it would be his to sort.

We do exactly the same - however with full transparency. We sit down together each month and look at our accounts, so there’s no hidden surprises.

I’d be livid if I was your DH.

I think reverse it. How would you feel if your DH kept it from you? Part of being in partnership is to be able to share your problems, whether big or small. Even if it’s my partners debt to sort, I think I would like to know. By omitting it I think you were ashamed of it and therefore didn’t feel you could tell him, even though you could just get on with sorting it.

I appreciate everyone’s posts. I think that we need to sit down today and discuss the situation. I still object to being called a liar though. We both have credit cards and will both have carried balances at different points. We’ve never discussed it before so I honestly didn’t feel that I was lying.

I agree that we need to sit down and open up the lines of communication

lying by omission is still lying though. It sounds like you’re trying to win on a technicality here.

and you’re a bit evasive on here about the reasons and the amount. Will you be equally evasive with him?

For better for worse, for richer, for poorer....

im not sure if you are married that that is how it works

I too agree that it’s lying by omission. Also I think it must be an extreme amount if you don’t want to say . I would be pissed off with my husband also .