Money disagreement with dh

[Butterfingerr]

Hi,

dh and I (both 45) have always maintained separate finances. This was something that we both decided on at the start of our relationship. Each month we each contribute an equal amount towards bills and household costs. The remainder stays in our own account for personal spends etc. we both have hobbies and social lives with our female/male friends so we’ve always preferred having some financial independence.

for reasons that I won’t go into, my credit card debt is higher than I’m comfortable with. I’ve taken steps to sort this and have a plan. I‘m not in arrears or anything like that and it’s manageable- just more than I’d like it to be. I’m a little embarrassed by it and haven’t discussed it with dh. It’s solely my debt and it’s paid from my personal account.

Yesterday he saw my credit card statement and was really shitty with me, accusing me of being a liar. I’m not a liar- I just didn’t want to discuss it.

It would make sense if we pooled our money, but we don’t. We’ve always maintained financial independence so I didn’t/ don’t feel that I need to disclose it. If it was something that I couldn’t manage or sort out then that would be a different kettle of fish.

given that we keep separate finances, am I really obliged to have told him about my cc balance?

Well it depends, if you're married if you've run up 50k of debt through gambling then not telling him could be lying by omission? if its a few hundred pounds on a shopping spree then I can see how you think its not that big of a deal and no need to mention.

Agree it depends on the amount. If it’s usually a couple of hundred and it’s now thousands I appreciate his concern and add to that you’ve not mentioned it hidden it.

Do you own a house together?

Do you know why you’ve run up so much debt? There’s a difference between designer shoes and basic everyday spending. Why does he call you a liar? That’s an odd response unless you’ve told him you don’t have any debts.

We have a not dissimilar set up.
we live within his financial means as I earn more

if my DH had more than 10k in interest free debt (he earns 100k) or if he had ANY interest accruing debt my reaction would not be dissimilar to your husbands.
i wound be seriously fucked off. And I’d also view it as a lie by omission - whatever way you want to dress it up it’s a financial secret and not a good one!

DH and I keep finances separate but I expect to know his credit card balance as his finances do have the potential to effect mine; things like how much we can spend on house stuff, holidays etc. I’d question why you can’t speak to him about this stuff too

Yes we do

Well you have a joint account and are married to him so even though you have separate finances, you are financially linked. What happens if you get made redundant or go on long term sick, it’ll be your husband that helps out. It’s a lie by omission.

I can see why he's annoyed. It does effect him in that if you were buying a house you both need a decent credit rating. If you need to make a big joint purchase you wouldn't be able to contribute.
Does he earn a lot more than you? Is it that you have much less disposable income?

I've been with my partner for a long time and I'd feel lied to if he had a big undisclosed debt.

When you're in a commited relationship, whether you pool your finances or not, the relationship survives on honesty and openness. I rely on my partner to tell me big stuff and share his worries.

Keeping secrets doesn't feel nice, whether it's a personal secret or not.

This.

Making a legal contract (marriage) and attempting to opt out of the implications of that contract is foolish. Which is why I don't understand people who are unmarried doing things associated with marriage (using a partner's surname and Mrs. I've seen on here) and married people acting as though their finances are entirely unrelated to each other. Of course there are implications to him. He shouldn't have been shitty about it, it's the consequence of both your choices.

Where do you go from here? A calm conversation about finances, secrets, expectations, solutions, joint financial planning and so on? Or arguing.

Kinda depends how much debt....

Your debts are his debts legally so I'm not surprised he's unhappy.

I don’t think that’s true. The debts are solely in my name

Separate Finances and hidden debt are 3 separate things.

and it can have an impact on him as you are financially linked. But also I would be happy being finally linked who wasn’t honest or just said ‘I just don’t want to talk about it’

You say you won’t go into how you ended up in debt. Or the reasons and that’s fine, but that would massively impact responses and what people think if his reaction.

All debt is marital debt. If you got divorced or is treated as a joint debt

If for some reason you can’t or won’t repay the debt, then he is legally liable.

Sorry but that just isn’t true. Nobody is liable for someone else’s sole debt. Not even a spouse

vardags.com/law-guide/divorce-finance-process/debt-divorce#:~:text=In%20a%20divorce%2C%20courts%20consider,whose%20name%20they%20are%20under.

She has a credit card and pays her payments and isn't in arrears so it won't affect credit ratings indeed. Her management of paying this probably improves it

That only applies in the event of divorce though. Generally we are only responsible for debts that are in our name

When you say you contribute a joint amount every month to household bills, is it a 50/50 or split evenly depending on how much you both earn? e.g if you earn 50k and he earns 25k then you pay 75% and he pays 25%?

Hi it’s exactly 50 50 as we earn the same give or take a couple of hundred quid a year

Liar is a bit unreasonable if he’s always maintained separate finances. However does depend on the amount and also why did you get into that debt. Are you lying for more things that he is adhoc?

How much do you owe? If it’s built up you’ve been spending above your means. That’s the real issue. I guess I’d be pissed off to find this out too because despite maintaining ‘separate’ finances when you’re married you inevitably plan things together so if one side of the partnership actually can’t realistically afford a holiday because they’ve spent it all on shoes, say, or golf equipment or tech, then that does affect the other person quite negatively.