Money disagreement with dh

[Butterfingerr]

Hi,

dh and I (both 45) have always maintained separate finances. This was something that we both decided on at the start of our relationship. Each month we each contribute an equal amount towards bills and household costs. The remainder stays in our own account for personal spends etc. we both have hobbies and social lives with our female/male friends so we’ve always preferred having some financial independence.

for reasons that I won’t go into, my credit card debt is higher than I’m comfortable with. I’ve taken steps to sort this and have a plan. I‘m not in arrears or anything like that and it’s manageable- just more than I’d like it to be. I’m a little embarrassed by it and haven’t discussed it with dh. It’s solely my debt and it’s paid from my personal account.

Yesterday he saw my credit card statement and was really shitty with me, accusing me of being a liar. I’m not a liar- I just didn’t want to discuss it.

It would make sense if we pooled our money, but we don’t. We’ve always maintained financial independence so I didn’t/ don’t feel that I need to disclose it. If it was something that I couldn’t manage or sort out then that would be a different kettle of fish.

given that we keep separate finances, am I really obliged to have told him about my cc balance?

Fair enough you don't want to discuss on here what the debt is for and how much, but it will affect answers. If my DH ran up thousands of pounds of debt through gambling, for example, I'd be furious.

Regardless of whether you are / were obliged to tell him, does it not concern you a bit that you didn’t want to share this with him?

No they're not.

I take your point on that. I think that I just felt that it was something that I can sort so I just got on with it.

That's in the event of divorce c

I can understand that. I guess if I was your OH I would feel upset / disappointed that you didn’t want to share your problem with me. I wouldn’t get shitty but my hurt might also come across as shittyness while I was worrying about our relationship. Maybe that’s his issue?

Still confused why your DH used the word "liar". Had you been dishonest about the debt and said you didn't have any, or was much lower than it is?

Being married means it does affect him. Obviously he has no right to be shitty with you but yeah it depends on the amount really as to whether it would bother me

I think if you're married you are jointly and severally liable.

I'd be annoyed

What would happen if the house needed a big repair and you couldn't contribute half due to your debt? Or the holiday you both want to go on? That's why a lie by omission is still a lie

No, this is not true.

If my spouse was accruing debt I would be furious. Even if you are making all the payments, if you are paying interest, you are wasting money.

he might only be faced with direct liability for the debt in the event of a divorce. That could be the exact scenario he is worried about. You could run up a large debt and then leave him with half the bill.

@westisbest1982
If for some reason you can’t or won’t repay the debt, then he is legally liable.

This is not true!

How much is it and how close are you to having to find a new mortgage deal or take out other credit? Then it could impact him and I would be concerned if a partner had undisclosed debt.

It would make me worry about what else was being kept from me, also is it going to happen again or what happens if you don't pay it off, what if you lost your job etc. It does depend what it was spent on and how much it is too.

I'd be annoyed that you'd kept it to yourself, regardless of whether you felt able to manage it or not. Why did he call you a liar though? What is he claiming you lied about?

We have always had separate accounts too. We tried having a joint account and we just couldn't make it work for us. I often juggle money which my DH doesn't know about and will often use my cc to gain back rewards and sometimes it can feel as if it gets a bit out of hand. But it is always manageable and I don't like having debt if I'm honest. I come from a home where the was a lot of debt (for one reason or another) so I am very aware of managing money well and am fortunate that our incomes are reasonable and our jobs secure.

I have only a couple of hundred on there at the moment but my husband would still be cross if he knew. We have paperless statements so he can't see what I owe. Thing is, he doesn't sort many of the things I have to that falls often on the female/mum of the house. I try to always know how I'm going to pay back the money before I purchase anything. I do also like to buy myself nice things from time to time...

If I felt things were getting out of control I would have that conversation and face the discomfort of my husband's frustration and disappointment.

It all depends how much you owe and why really.

What's the amount?

It does affect him because presumably if you have credit card debt you don’t have savings? I would be very worried if my DH didn’t have savings, as if there was a big outgoing needed for the house, or he got made redundant or something else big happened then it would all fall to me to pay which would be unfair.

Sorry OP, your thread's about to be derailed by people who know nothing about the law but think if they chuck a couple of legal sounding phrases in that will make them sound correct. What happens on divorce is a court pools everything in the interest of fairness, it doesn't make that retrospectively true. See also the Married Women's Property Act of 1881, yes that's 143 years of women being financially separate humans.

Having said that, and subject to the level of debt we're talking about, I'd be pretty annoyed if DH did this. It would affect us remortgaging our home for a better rate and maybe delay us being able to move. If he's got no disposable income because he's having to pay this off it affects our holiday, nights out etc. We have separate finances in that if he wants to spend all his fun money on work lunches and video games that's his lookout, but if he committed all of his disposable income to something big for the next few months without discussing it with me first I'd have a problem, because it affects me.

Potentially there is an element in your DH mind if 'if you've not been honest about that, what else have you not been honest about...' or he is just feeling the sting of being left out of your situation when you are team

Even if you have separate finances, each of your spending effects the other long term

You do both need to be open and honest, not about every penny spent but the bigger picture.

How old are you both, he could be looking forward to mortgage being paid off, early retirement and you have debt can derail these things.

I would be really angry if I found out my husband was hiding debt from me, does that also mean you have no savings at all?

Look OP he’s annoyed because -

1. Debt is something partners should be honest about within their relationship
2. you are his financial associate as far as every credit agency is concerned
3. Your debt servicing commitments ie your affordability directly impacts any potential future joint decisions such as major breakages, purchases, leisure etc regardless of the fact that it doesn’t impact your day to day bills
4. He is your husband, you are his wife. Lying by omission erodes broader trust in the relationship and introduces panic/doubt/red flags.

Do you really need to ask why he’s annoyed and get into legal intricacies of who’s responsible for the debt legally? Forget all that. The reasons above alone are plenty enough.

info.mcalisterco.co.uk/blog/joint-bank-accounts-can-held-accountable-partners-debt#:~:text=Joint%20accounts%20are%20a%20bit,liable%20for%20your%20partner's%20debt.

You can be held liable as a legally married spouse.