Husband is rude to my mum

[CheekyPeach1990]

Today I found out my husband had sent a text to my mother behind my back, basically berating her for asking me to look after her cat while I was recovering from a C-section. I found out from my mum who had been sitting on this for 3 months. I was horrified. It made her feel awful and really upset her and I had no idea. Was asking me to look after her cat (literally 10 mins in the house once every two days) when my newborn was two weeks old a good idea? Probably not. But my mum doesn't have anyone else to depend on. My husband drove me there that day, with our middle child and newborn in tow. He sat in the car with them while I disappeared to take care of the cat. Our newborn daughter cried while I was in there and instead of picking her up and soothing her, he took a photo of our middle child with his hands over his ears and sent this rude message to my mum. I'm disgusted. When I brought this up to him today, he said "it was to make a point." I'm completely horrified on multiple accounts.

He and my mum have always had a bit of tension between them. She finds him rude. Common courtesy often eludes him with her and why? Because apparently she still owes him £500 from 2010. She's probably forgotten, and it was from a time when she had very little. She's not much better off now. He said he'd tried being nice to "get what he wanted" and when that didn't work he decided to start treating her with contempt. He also has an issue with her not helping us more with our kids. I made the point she has helped us the most out of everyone. His dad who hasn't bothered with his grandchildren and clearly has favourites among his own children - he's chummy with him because he stands to gain significant inheritance - from his father who abused him as a child.

This is so F'd up.

There are other things too. He's so hard on our eldest and he's starting to treat our middle son the same, but the baby can do no wrong. He treats me like a queen to the detriment of everyone else...I'm tired of having to explain this behaviour to him. He always says he'll do better, but to leopards ever really change their spots?

I've considered leaving him many times over our 13 years together, this could be the straw that breaks the camels back. He's not a bad guy but he's seriously flawed and thinks everyone else is the problem. I'm exhausted. I strongly suspect he's on the autism/ADHD spectrum too. It's just such a shame, we're great friends.

I wouldn't stand for anyone treating my mum like that. He sounds atrocious, and you also say he’s too hard on your sons too? The baby can do no wrong because she’s just a baby, but it won’t be long before she’s being treated the same way

Do you really want to stay with him? Do you have other options? No I don’t think he’ll change, because he doesn’t think he needs to.

Are you really great friends? Great friends don’t do that to each others parents.

There was no mention of his own mother? Does he have a relationship with her? Aside from the childhood abuse you mentioned, could this be another possible cause of his behaviour.

Alarm bells are ringing with your post OP, not only with how he treated your mum but more so with your children. If I’m honest, he was sounds quite a scary and aggressive individual! He needs some serious therapy to address the underlining cause of his behaviour - that is the only way he’s going to change and realise what he is doing. You need to protect your children, he may treat you like a queen now, but his perception of you may shift as it has with your children as they’ve aged.

Obviously the situation with the cats wasn’t ideal, but as you said, your mum didn’t have anyone else to ask, it’s understandable and sometimes you just do have to put yourself out for family! If your DH was that concerned about you feeding the cats and leaving the baby, he should have done it and left you in the car with the baby! My DH would have instantly volunteered to go in, he would have made it into a-bit of a joke. The taking a photo instead of comforting baby, the rude text is appalling behaviour.

I’m absolutely appalled op.
He is disgusting there is no excuse for it.
Quite honestly I would not trust him going forward not to be mentally abusive to your kids and mum again and you just won’t find out about it till it’s too late and the damage has been done.

He's being rude. BUT. your mum borrowed a substantial sum of money off him and then just forgot? Or decided she didn't need to pay him back. Yeah that'd piss me off.

He's sitting in the car with a toddler and a screaming newborn while his wife who just had major surgery looks after some cats for her own mother who couldn't be arsed to get a cat sitter. Yeah I'd be very pissed off. Our cat sitter costs a fiver a day and she's a diamond.

He's being rude but it's not unfounded. There's alot more to the story I think. I would expect my partner to be more polite but I would expect my mum to give him his money back and I would, and have had to, refuse to do favours 2 weeks pp when it affects the whole family aswell.

What does the rude message actually say?

To be honest I am not surprised your husband was so furious that your mother asked you to do this. It was totally unreasonable and inconvenienced your husband as well as you.
Do you need to look at your relationship/ boundaries with your mum too?

Your mum should have paid him back. And in the absence of that you should have covered the debt. Why had this been left and ignored? Otherwise she fleeced him. Nobody forgets £500. This has set the tone unfortunately and I don’t blame him for feeling aggrieved. You also shouldn’t have been dealing with cat feeding 2 weeks post partum c section.
It seems a lot to ask of someone when they are dealing with a newborn and their own recovery. Maybe your DH is neurodivergent, but your mum stole money off him.

What he did was horrible - your poor mum. Why didn't he go and feed the cat himself, leaving you at home with the children? Was it just to make a point to your mum?

Re the money, it was 14 years ago, he needs to let it go, of course it's not ideal, but i've been in his position with a friend, and decided the friendship was worth it. By the time her life was back on track i had a good job, so could do without it, and i honestly think she'd forgotten by then.

It's very concerning thats he's critical of your oldest kids, this can damage them. I think you should insist that he attend parenting classes with you.

Yes that is so fucked up

A decent partner would have done it themselves to save their wife even leaving the house that day! It's what I would do for my dp if he was recovering from surgery and what I'd hope he'd do for me in your situation!

I would not want this man brining up my children , they will end up damaged with history repeating itself .

How did his father abuse him- was it psychologically? Because it sounds like he might be reenacting this with his sons.
You need to look up the cycle of narcissistic abuse- idealise, devalue, discard (plus sometimes hoover which is when then suck you back in just as you were about to get rid of them).
Sounds like he's at various stages with your kids which will be confusing upsetting and potentially scary for them.
Depending on their ages it might be worth talking to the kids about it too, in simple terms as nec, eg. Just ignore dad and stay away from him for a bit, when he's stressed/hungry/tired/overstimulated etc, he can say mean things which is horrible and naughty but he doesn't mean it and he always loves you - he'll give you a cuddle when he's had some peace and quiet again etc. If that last bit is the case anyway.
Does he apologise afterwards? Does he have any redeeming features? You could tell him these harsh realities and say the kids adore you but it's heartbreaking to have their dad talk to them like that- you're pushing them away etc.
Speaking from experience and what worked with my DH! HTH

I agree with this, and the other posts in the same vein.

Your mother was 100% wrong to ask her daughter who'd just had major surgery to feed her cat. It would never occur to me to ask someone who'd just had a baby (c-section or not) to feed my pet. Doubly so, if it meant them having to travel there by car, rather than just popping in from next door/across the road.

Your mother seems to have a problem with paying her bills- firstly the 500 she owes your husband - and the money she could/should pay a pet sitter recently.

Ps yes he might have ASD, I think mine is too hence the need for quiet and alone time and the lack of awareness of his rudeness to my mum as well. Not like this text but he does get rages where he lashes out sometimes- he's just learned to apologise and treat my mum with respect and gratitude for all she does for us. Definitely made her feel like "a lackey" in the past though which was awful but she's very understanding about his work stress.

The whole situation sounds totally dysfunctional, and needs sorting out.

Your mum cannot just 'forget £500'. No wonder your dh is irritated, I would be too. Speak to your mum and make sure the debt is paid, because it is reasonable grounds for resentment.

Then why does your mum think a cat needs looking after for 10 minutes? A cat for God's sake! Against the well being of her own daughter who has had major surgery and has a newborn!

Then why is your dh not doing it for you, to protect you from harm? And why is he sitting in the car with a crying baby when he should be comforting it. And why is he giving your sons a hard time.

Sounds to me like you have a spectacularly selfish family who all take advantage of you.

I'd get them together and tell them both they are selfish & thoughtless and as bad as each other. And I'd be telling him to back off the boys with his competitive manstance or he'd find himself on his own.

It's time to take charge, I think.

What about treating his kids badly? What’s the ‘more’ to that story that makes it ok? His newborn wouldn’t have been screaming if he’d have comforted them rather than taking pictures to make a point.

He is a selfish, ill mannered pig who treats people badly. My sympathy, especially for your children.

OP says he's "hard" on the older kids. Is he treating them badly or is he simply stricter than her. OP thinks her mum "forgot" she borrowed 500 quid and agreed to drag her family out 2 weeks pp to feed her mums cat. She sounds rather passive. So I could see how there's another side to this.

I ask about the message because it could be anywhere from blunt to abusive.

He’s starting to be abusive to the youngest and middle child, and is rude as shit to your mum? You need to leave.

He sounds horrible. Actually it’s on him - letting you feed the cats when he could have easily done it himself. What a twat. Tell your mum there are online sites though like pawshake that let you find pet sitters in your area.

Get your mum to repay him the money so that he doesn’t have that hanging over her. I’d not want to be in a relationship with this sociopath really. I think he will end up damaging the children.

He sounds like an absolute shit to the kids and you need to address that - yes leave (remembering that he will get access to them) but also he needs to do some massive work with a therapist to stop the cycle of abuse from his father trickling down to them.

Re your mum, I'd be pissed off too. She owes £500 that's not a small sum and not something you just 'forget' about. She needs to pay up. Funny she has the funds to go away on holiday...

She also needs to find a cattery or pay for someone to come in, it's not on expecting you to do it 2 weeks post pregnancy. You also need to do some work on boundary setting.

You are great friends? It really doesn't sound like he's your friend at all. He doesn't even want you to have a good relationship with your own mother.

She said he’s so hard on them but favours the youngest. It’s clear what she’s suggesting, you just sound like you want to make excuses for this man. The OPs mums behaviour being shitty doesn’t excuse this man’s behaviour - he’s being an arsehole and OP has thought about leaving him numerous times because he won’t change, those behaviours are HIS fault, not her mothers. OP needs to stand up to both of them.

if he was a normal human being he works have sorted the cats so you don’t have to. It says something that she couldn’t ask him. I think he needs counselling, but if not can you and your kids move in with your mum?

Both your husband and mother sound unreasonable. Your mother was unreasonable to ask you to care for the cat post surgery with such a newborn. She's also unreasonable to have not paid your husband back any money, or even to have a discussion with him about it. It is not normal behaviour to forget about a £500 loan.

Your husband sounds like a knob- treating the children differently and being so blatantly rude to your nearest and dearest is very concerning. I may have misinterpreted, but has he been like this throughout your relationship? If so- no, he is highly unlikely to change now.

I don't mean this glibly, but I suspect you would benefit from some counselling to help you become more assertive and set appropriate boundaries with people. It sounds like you are treated poorly at times by both of them. It's time to put you and your children first- you can do it

Why are you having more children with a man who doesn't seem to like his own children?

Your mum and your husband are both unreasonable.

Your mum sounds feckless and selfish. Of course its out of order to borrow money and forget/ decide not to pay it back. Appalling. And expecting you to look after her cat "because she doesn't have anyone else to help" (cat sitter? Funded with some of the £500 she effectively stole?) when you have three little children including a newborn and a c-section so you can't drive. Words fail me. If I was your husband I'd be furious with her too.

Your husband sounds awful too though. No he does not "treat you like a queen". He could have gone in and dealt with the cat whilst you looked after the children in the car bur no, it was all part of teaching you and your mum a lesson to make a point. Being hard on the children to the extent that you have considered leaving him is the worst of it. What a situation.