Husband is rude to my mum

[CheekyPeach1990]

Today I found out my husband had sent a text to my mother behind my back, basically berating her for asking me to look after her cat while I was recovering from a C-section. I found out from my mum who had been sitting on this for 3 months. I was horrified. It made her feel awful and really upset her and I had no idea. Was asking me to look after her cat (literally 10 mins in the house once every two days) when my newborn was two weeks old a good idea? Probably not. But my mum doesn't have anyone else to depend on. My husband drove me there that day, with our middle child and newborn in tow. He sat in the car with them while I disappeared to take care of the cat. Our newborn daughter cried while I was in there and instead of picking her up and soothing her, he took a photo of our middle child with his hands over his ears and sent this rude message to my mum. I'm disgusted. When I brought this up to him today, he said "it was to make a point." I'm completely horrified on multiple accounts.

He and my mum have always had a bit of tension between them. She finds him rude. Common courtesy often eludes him with her and why? Because apparently she still owes him £500 from 2010. She's probably forgotten, and it was from a time when she had very little. She's not much better off now. He said he'd tried being nice to "get what he wanted" and when that didn't work he decided to start treating her with contempt. He also has an issue with her not helping us more with our kids. I made the point she has helped us the most out of everyone. His dad who hasn't bothered with his grandchildren and clearly has favourites among his own children - he's chummy with him because he stands to gain significant inheritance - from his father who abused him as a child.

This is so F'd up.

There are other things too. He's so hard on our eldest and he's starting to treat our middle son the same, but the baby can do no wrong. He treats me like a queen to the detriment of everyone else...I'm tired of having to explain this behaviour to him. He always says he'll do better, but to leopards ever really change their spots?

I've considered leaving him many times over our 13 years together, this could be the straw that breaks the camels back. He's not a bad guy but he's seriously flawed and thinks everyone else is the problem. I'm exhausted. I strongly suspect he's on the autism/ADHD spectrum too. It's just such a shame, we're great friends.

Why didn’t he pop in and sort the cat?
Both him and your mum are unreasonable here. She really shouldn’t have asked so soon after your C section, but he could have stepped in and said he’d do it.
The fact he let you get out the car to do it and then sent a big performative text to your mother shows him to be a pretty vile human. If he wanted to express his feelings to her, he could have handled it much better. An “I’ll sort the cat out for you this time, but I do think it was a bit much to expect cheekypeach to do it so soon after her c section”.
That wouldn’t have been unreasonable.

You need to have a think about what you want to do here, because he sounds pretty awful.

Your Mum forgot to repay £500 she had borrowed from your husband 😮
No wonder he is annoyed.
She needs to be reminded and could pay it back in small amounts weekly.
It will be difficult to broach the subject though, considering she helps out with the children.
Could it be payment in lieu ?
Could you suggest that to your husband ?
Your dh could have popped in to feed the cat but his lingering resentment over the owed money meant he wouldn't.

How on earth do you "forget" that you owe someone £500?
And what kind of parent asks their daughter recovering from major surgery to drive over to feed her cat?

Ultimately it’s up to you to decide when you’ve reached your limit, but from what you’ve said it sounds like he has a very limited capacity for change, as from what you’re saying he’s not accepting of doing anything wrong. With that in mind it becomes about whether you’re willing to tolerate his behaviour towards your mother and more importantly your child if nothing changes.

That is nasty. Having a baby doesn't change decision making and you had decided you could pop in and feed the cat. It really isn't up to him to decide you couldn't. If he was concerned he could have offered to do it. Basically he doesn't like your mum so it was am opportunity to have a go at her.

Your husband is rude and a bully.

But your mum is completely inappropriate too. She borrowed money before you were even married and never paid it back. And then she expects you to look after her cat when you’ve just had a c section.

Both of these people are toxic.

(Misses point of thread) you went in for 10 minutes every 2 days to feed/look after the cat. Who looked after the cat on the days you weren't there if it was every 2 days?

Unfair of your DM to ask, but I have to assume it was for something important like an operation. For the cat's sake, she'd have been better paying for a cat sitter or asking a neighbour to pop in every day to put down fresh food and water.

I understand your DH is harbouring a grudge re £500, that'd be more money in today's money. However, if it'd have been me, my DH would have gone for my sake - I assume it wasn't easy for you to put food/water down and pamper the cat to ensure ok. He was driving anyway, so that'd have made sense.

They're as bad as eachother and neither of them are thinking of you in this instance.

I thought the same - was the cat not getting any other food or water?

And so did I. I am a massive cat lover and this doesn't sit right with me.

He sounds horrendous.

also if he was so aggrieved that you'd been asked to look after the cat, why on earth did he sit in the car and let you do it?!?

At 2 weeks pp c section I was driving and fine. Were you op? Is your dh making a song and dance to support him being a cunt? He could have gone himself if his thoughts were genuine concern. He wanted a stick to beat you both with didn't he? Your dm knows him better than you imo.

There's a lot here to unpack for sure. Lots of things NEED to be discussed between the 2 of you. I repeat 'between the two of you.'
I know that feeling of a hubby doing something behind your back,I have experienced this. Feels horrid and a betrayal...which it is.
He sounds angry...as do you. Each of you has your own reasons. Angry people manifest unpleasant and dysfunctional behaviours when they don't address the real root cause of their anger. The REAL ROOT cause of their anger. This is a VERY difficult task, as it involves in my opinion and in my experience too, of diving deep , really deep into why we behave the way we do, what are our emotional triggers and why, often rooted in childhood, what are our values, our needs, wants, negotiables and non- negotiables etc Even what are our individual love languages and attachment styles. Its a huge task but I believe if these issues are not resolved, they come out in ALL our relationships at some level. With our significant other of course the most.
Sorry if you were wanting a simple way out of this...there isn't one! Good luck!
Btw I have been with my hubby for 36 yrs , we have 3 adult sons, and I have wanted to leave sooo many times I can't tell you.Each time I found a solution and I stayed. The last time I wanted to leave was only a year or so ago. Love/marriage is HARD word. Its a myth that it isn't meant to be in my opinion. AND every time I have decided stay I have been more than pleased with my decision to do so.

Your mother is a thief no wonder he resents her. Funny how people like her always have money to go on holiday.

Love/marriage is HARD word.

I think depends on circumstances and the people involved. I have been married for nearly 43 years and have never found being with DH hard.

He couldn’t be arsed to get out of the car himself? If my mum needed £500 and I could afford it I’d gift it, not lend it, unless it follows a pattern of feckless spending. All these people saying she should pay it back, it’s not 5k ffs.
He’s bullying an older woman and has started on his children. I could not stay with a man like this.

Yep!

frankly? he is an abusive arsehole and you should leave him.

Did he ever, in actual words, say to your mum "how about the 500 quid you owe me?" or did he just hint and sigh?

As for the cat thing - any normal, supportive partner would have helped you by taking care of the cat instead of schlepping you, a baby and another child and waited in the car. That isn't treating you like a princess.

Tell your mum to block him though, whatever you decide.

Thanks, everyone.

Let me clear a few things up:

The cat is elderly but enjoys being outside 24/7. She's always been this way and she trusts only me and my mum. She has one of those timed bowls that opens twice a day and she gets about 2 and a half days worth of food which is why I didn't need to go every day. She has access to fresh water and a very lovely cat house with blankets and a waterproof cover in a sheltered part of the garden. She's a lovely girl and very content to be left in peace.

My mum was away for work - she's self employed and runs workshops. I'm going to suggest she builds the cost of a pet sitter into her fee.

The £500...I agree that if was a loan or should be paid back, but to be clear it was during a time when she didn't have much. She was in the process of leaving my dad who bankrupted us. We had very little. As a teen o had a few experiences of opening the door to debt collectors. She's just finished paying off a 19 year debt and finally after all this time, they have nearly cleared my dad's debt. They are divorced but amicable. However I'm going to broach the subject and figure something out. I don't think this will be easy, as many of you have said she's not without fault. There's a reason my siblings have all moved away.

My husband and I have quite big age gaps between our three kids. 13, nearly 7 and 3 months. As DS1 got older and less cute/innocent and started well...behaving as children do I'd say husband became gradually harder and less tolerant. Now our middle son is older and being a bit more challenging, I see it happening too, gradually. My middle son is actually quite astute for someone so young and points out my husband's behaviour in his own way.

I can relate to this, I've lent my mother in law a good few thousands over the years whilst she was in debt, she got back on her feet and instead of paying me back slowly she recklessly spent it on a luxury and landed herself in a huge amount of debt over it.
I stopped lending her money and it's really soured our relationship I cannot stand to be around her at the best of times. Maybe your husband feels the same.

That said, he can't begrudge you going to feed her cat. He sounds like a prick. It's not the cats fault!

tbh I don't thing your mum was out of order asking you, and i think if you couldn't manage it alone you would not have been out of order to say "no, sorry, get a cat sitter"

Good idea about working the cost of cat sitters into her fee though.

Your husband probably needs therapy. Perhaps he needs parenting lessons. But he and your mum should probably block each other and only talk politely when a meeting cannot be avoided.

He sounds awful, why did he not just feed the cat himself, or you went and left him with the kids? is this not what families do for one another? Why on earth would your financially struggling mum pay for a cattery when you are 10 mins away. Yes the money should’ve been re paid but that is a discussion for you to have with your mum not him . It’ll only get worse I’m sorry to say

So what if it's not 5k?

Most people couldn't afford to just forget about £500

This.

He’s all about control. Not nice. Get rid.

But - yes, your Mum was wrong not to pay him back.

This morning after talking it out (and me discovering some of his most disgusting behaviour) he told me he had some uncomfortable epiphanies and he owes me a proper apology once he's done working (had to leave early, back very late tonight). But I've heard it all before

I'm willing to hash out the £500 with my mum and make a suggestion about a cat sitter. I realise I should have said no the last time but two days later I was driving myself to the cat and leaving my kids at home.

I need to make a big decision about my marriage. I'd love to have at least a break, and see him get some proper therapy which is something I've suggested countless times. I get therapy myself.