How often do you expect to hear from your child away at uni?

[CrikeyDozes]

My eldest hopes to go to uni on the other side of the country this autumn providing she gets the A-level results she needs. I will miss her so much.

Shes not great at texting and calling when out but I’m keen to establish a good contact pattern while she’s away. I don’t want to put pressure on her though - my mum wanted me to call daily and it used to feel a lot sometimes.

How often do most people hear from kids at uni and how do you gently establish good patterns of contact?

@DullFanFiction that's a good idea.
Df used to visit and take me out for lunch and I really appreciate that.

However it depends how far they go.

We had 'family chat' messaging that I made very casual to dip in and out - sharing pics of the cat, silly jokes, memes, family nonsense. She would share a pic of what she'd made for dinner, posters in her room, view from her window & co.
No big conversations as we knew she was doing OK, just seeing her on there 3-4 times a week.
Sometimes we video messaged in the 1st year as it was Covid lockdown times and she was stuck in Halls.
We had another separate message channel just for her and me in case she wanted to share something privately, health Qs, woman to woman stuff.

I encouraged mine to not feel obliged to call. Might get the odd text asking advice, usually asking their dad stuff about cooking on the family chat. Calls - sporadic, maybe once a fortnight.

My friend’s daughter is on the phone daily, often more than once. I think this is unhealthy.

Quick text or whatsapp etc most days, video call most weekends.

Once a week.

probably twice a week. You call once, expect her to call once.

When he wants something, or when I message to ask if he's still alive 🤣
He went on a uni field trip to Crete earlier this month and first we knew was when I rang him and got an international dialling tone. He's at uni with several mates from 6th form, although it's not near home, so I don't worry as I know they'd get in touch with me if there were a problem

You will be their lowest priority and they will only fit you in when there’s nothing more interesting going on. First year involves a LOT of socialising! Basically if you work on the basis no news is good news then that’s good.
i asked my daughters to have Snapchat set so I could see their location, provided it had registered somewhere within the last 12 hours I assumed all was good.
I can assure you it’s normal to be ignored, they will definitely call when they have a problem they don’t know how to deal with.
I would recommend taking up a new hobby to keep yourself busy and be prepared to really miss them.

Be led by her.

Dd1 used to zoom call once a week at a regular time and occasional texts. She was quite homesick.

Dd2 went saying "don't expect to hear from me all term, and I may not be back at Christmas....
I didn't get many zoom calls but she was home 4 times in the first term (and for Christmas) and I had evenings where she was messaging me every few minutes - and it always because she wanted something too🤣 The messaging might be three times one week, then nothing for 3 weeks, so far more random.

It suited both of them

DS went to uni at least 4 hours away. We were always led by him except when he was ill. He would usually call once a week -10 days, although at first he was calling quite often with questions, info and updates. We generally only saw him every 8-12 weeks including during a year abroad.
He's 30 now and it's still the same. He has a hectic life so we don't generally call him unless there's a need. If something is going on there maybe multiple calls in a day or over a few days but usually it's once a week with perhaps some WhatsApp in between. The only time we ever Facetimed was during Covid as he hates it😀

The thing is that you both will have very different "good patterns of contact". Just because you miss her, doesn't mean it is a "good pattern" for her to call you every day. And the more you push, the least likely she is to call/message you.
Just let her find what works for her and try to get used to the fact that she is an adult now and needs to have some independence. If this means her only calling you once a month, so be it.

We ask for a contact once a week minimum. In practice it’s usually more often than that.

My daughter started uni last September in wales and we are in England. She’s loving it so I don’t expect too much. We generally text once or twice a week and call maybe once a fortnight. Tbf she’s home way more than I thought! She got a month off for Xmas, a month for Easter then she came home for 4 months around 2 weeks ago! Not had chance to miss her really!

My DD graduated last year, from a uni 3 hours away. While we did not engage in active conversation by facetime or text that often unless she was asking for pictures or updates on the cat we are, however both avid Wordle players, so would send each other our scores daily, this was a subtle way or knowing we were both still alive.

DS just finishing his degree course. We tend to have a weekly Zoom or phone call and then odd texts during the week on our family WhatsApp and/or an extended family group that includes grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins ( that one is much more sporadic though). He’s always been very family oriented and wants to to hear about what we’ve been doing and tell us his news. We get lots of pictures of food too as he’s a keen eater and cook! In contrast his cousin of a similar age is much less communicative - I think they all find a pattern that suits them.

The frequency may also be because he’s at the other end of the country so we don’t see him that often.

I go with the flow. I usually send a “how’s you?” Snap and they will reply when they have time. If they respond straight away, I may give them a call. If they need to talk they will call me. If I think they’ve got some pressures going on I’ll send the Snaps a bit more frequently, but both seem to like to call or voice/video message with their news so it’s mostly driven by them.

The empty nest is quite odd at first. 😊

normally if lucky a quick chat once a week. Currently exam time so no communication till exams finish.
I periodically get a message saying me and girlfriend need to get out of “uni city” for a night. So we collect them and return them the following day. Their uni is very high pressure. Minimal socialising. Life evolves round uni so they sometimes need a night of escape.

One thing to remember is that if they're not contacting you then they're probably having a great time and busy.
Just let them know that if they want to call then you will make time (and do barring emergencies).

Her Dad, from whom I have long been separated, has long scheduled calls with her every other night which I know she feels are burdensome and boring. She hardly ever picks up my calls but always texts to say she's busy 😭 which is fine otherwise she'd be stuck having calls every night. We just text frequently usually funny stuff or I'll message her goodnight. And she always comes home to me for hols.

I think she feels less secure in her relationship with her dad and I try not to feel jealous we don't have calls. Hopefully as she gets older she'll want to chat more but I do feel we have an authentic relationship and I don't want to push the calls.

Every morning and evening.

DS went to boarding school for sixth form and phoned every Sunday evening, he’s kept that up, to be honest at my suggestion, but it works for him. Texts usually a couple of times a week, depends on whether he needs anything or has something to tell us, he generally contacts me rather than dh. DD texts more often but we probably talk to her less. She also comes down for the weekend more than DS.

We do this too. Lots of dog photos and silly chat.
If I want to check in a dog photo always gets a response without any pressure!

DS is coming to the end of his first year. We talk on the phone once a week, usually Sat or Sun afternoon and a text or two during the week. I’m picking him up this weekend and he’ll be home all summer (not that I’ll see him much). Too much contact would worry me more than too little - it’d mean he’s not happy.

I used to hear from both of mine once every two or three weeks. You want them to be happy and getting on with their lives. The holidays are long, so plenty of time to see them and catch up then.

Dd is going to the end of her first year and she is texting more and more as the year went along. Started out with a rare text. I would send her a text once in a while, usually a picture of her cat being an idiot. She liked that and would ask questions.
Slowly she texted more, with her initiating the conversation.
She has found her closest Uni friends speak to their Mums a lot more and seems to be following suit.