How often do you expect to hear from your child away at uni?

[CrikeyDozes]

My eldest hopes to go to uni on the other side of the country this autumn providing she gets the A-level results she needs. I will miss her so much.

Shes not great at texting and calling when out but I’m keen to establish a good contact pattern while she’s away. I don’t want to put pressure on her though - my mum wanted me to call daily and it used to feel a lot sometimes.

How often do most people hear from kids at uni and how do you gently establish good patterns of contact?

Very brief whatsapp messages/photos/sillies most days - mainly photos of the cat and food. I don't know what we'll do when the cat croaks - we'll have to stuff her and carry on. Dh likes to schedule a Sunday facetime but I think dd and I would prefer less - we are neither of us keen on that generally with anyone. I do a lot of very inconvenient taxiing but that is the best window for a chat. The degree of messaging dropped off a lot when she met her boyfriend.

My mum would text me and ask if I’m alive if it’s been too long - she does the same now 😂.

Tbh I messaged every couple of days, if I was going to uni now it would be most days because the family WhatsApp group would be going off.

Maybe on the phone every other week, I can’t remember but we don’t talk on the phone a lot. We text every day through the family group now.

I think it's different strokes for different folks. My DD had a gap year and two of her best friends who went in 2022 had daily phone calls every evening planned: one had it at 9pm the other at 11pm. I think this is quite unusual though.

When DD went last Sept we would message on Instagram (me) or WhatsApp (DH) a good morning text so when she got up and we were at work she had a message from us and she'd reply (not always) and we'd pick it up on our breaks. A couple of times a week she'd video call to show us her room or send a pic of food she'd cooked but that slowed down once she'd got into her stride. She also set me up on BeReal so I could see her daily life in a snapshot and she'd see a pic of the cat and us to feel included - if we had a meal with family or friends I'd take it then so she felt included. She is my only "friend" on that platform so I can take pics in my dressing gown and not feel embarrassed 😀

You'll get a feel of what works for you but for me I made sure I cleared my diary in the evenings the first couple of weeks so I was available for impromptu phone calls - there were a few - and I think that helped that she knew I was available then and there should she need it.

She's very glad she never has to go through the starting uni phase again as she said yes to everything in freshers and exhausted herself - her course started the first day of freshers bizarrely - so she was overtired and overwhelmed as was juggling late nights and early starts so if your DD is likely to be similar get her to pace herself.

I used to speak to my parents once a week or so, but that was before WhatsApp etc.

I won't be expecting much more than that from DD when she goes to uni.

Mine went pre email and mobile phones so a phone call when they needed /wanted something 😊Or to let me know they were coming home and bringing X/Y and/or Z with them.

Op I worry about this, dd is absolutely useless at contact now, even telling me when got hone or just when u trying to pick her up it gets frustrating.

I'm dreading wondering how we will relate, she does t divulge much info now regardless friends and what that are up too.

I didn't have any expectations.

DD left home at 18 and hasn't been back apart from a 3 month period between moves. She has always tended to call for a very long chat every 2 to 3 weeks, but WhatsApps or texts very often - several times a week.

DS is in his first year at Uni. He visits for the weekend much more often than she did (she was further away) and we speak on the phone probably weekly-ish for about 15 minutes. He doesn't do half as much messaging. I find this all fine.

Expecting to speak daily is absurd and smothering imo.

We have a video call once a week then we’ll message and chat in between. We’ve got a family WhatsApp group and we’ll message too. If I’ve not heard from him for a few days I’ll send a picture of the dog and that will always get a ❤️ even if he doesn’t directly reply.
We dropped him off at beginning of term then went up in October half term and stayed locally for a couple of days to check he was settled and also to get to know the area ourselves. He had come home for Christmas and Easter and he’s dad’s 50th in February we went up for his birthday in January. Second year we probably won’t go up so much, but we’ll see.
We haven’t set up a standing order for his money so he also needs to text when he needs funds 😉

First term was the worst, since Christmas it’s flown by.

ds messages daily, sometimes loads and sometimes just a quick - "I'm alive". He calls for a long chat (1hr+) once a week.

When he left I was very clear that I wouldn't call (I do message but I don't expect a response unless it's a direct question), but would be available whenever he wanted to talk, so the weekly call has been led by him and I love it.

We used to message our daughter several times a week just with odd comments but usually phoned once a week just to check in and make sure she was OK...her uni was a couple of hours away but we did try to pop down once a term to take her for lunch and do a big shop...it's hard at first but it does get easier.

DD - we WhatsApp most days about whatever! Speak about once a week.
DS - less! He’s been back about 6 weeks and we’ve maybe spoken 3 times? We do WhatsApp but maybe 2 x a week. He’s just not as communicative. I did tell him
i worry if he doesn’t stay in touch and he hasn’t thought of it like that. Tbh no news is good news with him as he had a rough first term and called us a lot.
I spoke to my mum 1-2 x a week
pre-mobiles in the early 90s.

I love how so many of us use the same strategies. Not heard from them for a while- send a picture of the dog/cat to get a response. 😂
What do those of you without pets do? This is the last dog picture I sent! 😂

DS is in his second year. We do a short exchange of texts twice a week on average. Usually covers something I've seen that will interest/amuse him, update on how his sport is going and maybe something about life in the flat or a social event. Rarely phone and have never video called as neither of us keen. DS will sometimes send a photo of what he's cooked as a conversation starter, particularly last year when settling in. DH will text him on Saturdays about the local football team's performance.

We have one in year one and one in year three. Once or twice a week from both, usually instigated by us.

To be honest it has to be up to them. You can message asking if they're okay every so often, let them know they can talk to you any time. You don't need to "expect" contact or demand it. They're adults now, and can form relationships how they wish, rather than being told they have to text on x day etc.

I get a Snapchat message or a cute cat tiktok forwarded to me most days. We probably video call every couple of weeks, but there's no routine to it, just when she feels like it or has something to tell me.

As an alternative perspective; I went to uni and my mum called me everyday for the first week or so. Then she told me we didn’t need to talk every day and she’d call me next week. I felt quite upset as a just turned 18 year old leaving home. I liked touching base with her. I’d open and responsive your dc’s wants and needs. Speak about it before they leave and see what their expectations are. Probably is a bit easier with texting now too.

I used to get a couple of texts a week and a phone call at the weekend (if I was really lucky I had the occasional drunken "I-love-you-mum" text at 2 am on a random weekday night as well 😂). She would get in touch more if she needed help or advice with "life matters" though.

Daily on the family group chat and a weekly phone call. When I was there it was letters and a weekly call. The GC is just nonsense, sharing memes, general banter, but it keeps us connected.

We now have a second group chat, 'one sandwich short of a picnic' for the daily boring stuff that would cause her to mute.
Reading the other replies I don't know if ours is different because we have three daughters but there's us a LOT of contact.

All teens are different. My DD is in daily contact on the family WhatsApp but she's always been the type to give us a blow-by-blow account of her day, since she was in Reception 😂

We separated out the messages, so we have a family one where we all post info or memes or shared a video, a specific me, Dh and Ds1 and a specific me, Dh and Ds2. We also had a uni tips one where he asked questions and we put answers in.

Weekly we had a 1 hour video call catch up both to hear from him but also for him from us so he could keep up to date with everything going on here. During the week maybe 2 or 3 times just touching base. We are a close family so this was normal for us. We watched TV shows in the week and then came together on that video call to talk about them (The Last of Us etc) we expect the same from Ds2 when he goes this September.

Also one of the DC started a hybrid job 2hrs from us last month so lives with us 3 nights a week (to wfh) and 4 nights either at an airbnb near the office or at his GFs. We probably hear from him more when he's not actually staying here than when he's upstairs in the spare room working or out with his mates! 🙃

@Votersswing @CrikeyDozes
I was worried too on how things would go.
And tbh having those regular contact with the dcs has been hard. One was resistant, the other just can’t see the point (I’ve seen your message. Do I have to answer too?)

But I found that is working best, for both dcs, is to make the effort to go and see them at Uni. Maybe for lunch if it’s a light day for them. We’ve done an evening too for birthdays.

Being able to see them away from ‘home’ seems to open the gates to more information and disclosures.
im also planning a couple of days away (me and one dc). Nothing fancy at all, but a way to spend time on a 1-1 basis like I used to do when they were much younger. It’s a nice way to maintain that bound imo.

I hear from my DD most days though she's phoned twice already today as it's coming up to the end of her final year and we have graduation & holiday stuff to sort out.

Often she'll phone me on her way home from working in the bar so that she feels safe. She was assaulted late at night in her first year so I make sure I always answer even if it's the middle of the night.