Worried about my brother

[Cooper77]

My brother is 47 and lives alone with my mother. He has always lived there. He suffers from depression and anxiety, though he won’t see a doctor. He’s never really worked and spends most of his time playing video games. My mother has enabled this because it suits her. My dad died ten years ago, and she has no other family (apart from me).

What worries me is what’s going to happen if my mother gets ill or dies. They really stick their heads in the sand about this. She is 77 and in good health, but it’s just a question of time. The problem is that he’s never been officially diagnosed. He has no label or statement and has never claimed any benefits, so he doesn’t appear on any government records. He just lives off my mother (who inherited a bit of life insurance when dad died). He also has a blank CV and no real work experience or training. I’m worried what will happen if:

1. My mother has a stroke or develops a serious illness and has to go into a nursing home. If the house has to be sold to pay for her care, will my brother be homeless? Does he have any rights to stay there?

2. My mother dies. If that happens, we would sell the house (he says he doesn’t want to live there when mum has gone) and divide everything down the middle. That means he’d come out with just enough to buy a flat somewhere. But then what? Say mum dies when he’s 56 and she’s 86. How is he going to pay for food, heating, electricity, etc? Who is going to give him a job at 56 with no qualifications and a blank CV?!

Also, he has paid no National Insurance, so won’t qualify for a state pension.

I’d appreciate any feedback, in part because I will show my brother your replies. Hopefully they will motivate him to do something.

he’ll find himself in a world that doesn’t care about him at all

Well we all already live in the world - including him - and how we interact with it is our choice, even if we have little to no control over what ‘might’ happen, we can at least choose to engage at whatever level we can/want.

Your bro has shut himself away and is content to ignore what he wants, that’s fine, but with that comes consequences.

If he is not capable of understanding the consequences because of a disability then that needs assessed so that he has a chance of additional help now to prepare him for the future.

And to snotty PP that means an element of being judged 😂 I mean ffs otherwise you are just enabling some waster who can’t be arsed to use up resources that those who genuinely need help could be using (or OP’s time/money/energy she could put into her own self & he already has one indulgent mum)

It is necessary to find out what actual barriers to living independedly that he might have because only then can you work out what might help overcome those barriers

So, I would be encouraging engagement with GP, to see where the land lies healthwise all round as a first step - both mother & brother - for all of the following too:

Encouraging contact with charities/support groups. In my area alone there is at least one specifically to assist living independently for those with additional needs, a couple for those ageing to help maintain (or build) independence.

There is another which runs support groups for those facing various challenges to have a place to talk out worries/get support, and an absolute constellation of smaller community groups for support, encouragement, learning and company.

There are loads of resources to learn about managing finances - myriads of courses online, on all sorts of things that will help, hell I’ll bet there’s a Youtube video on running a house - there is certainly bloody millions on cleaning & cooking.

If he can learn Russian then cognitively he could watch, enrol, engage and learn some of the above. Even if he has to watch videos in Russian to do it, or find a video game that is about keeping house? 😂

We could all wring our hands in worry and sympathy for the OP, Mum & bro, but that will do damn all to address the growing problem.

But ofc you can lead a horse to water & all that so you will have to be clear what you are prepared to do/not do if they refuse to even make the effort to help themselves first by engaging with external agencies and making whatever effort their individual capability allows.

It's the same with my bf's relative. I think he just assumes it will work out without any effort on his part. His inheritance probably won't buy him anywhere.

If I were you I would make it clear one last time that he needs to become independent whilst he still has some support. If not, and after your DM has died or is in care the house will be sold and you will not be taking up where she left off. Because I bet that's the assumption.

he’ll be a 60-year-old who has never paid National Insurance

Honestly, don't worry. As someone said above, lots of people leave the UK as young adults then return in their sixties having never paid a penny in NI and have no trouble claiming pension credit and all the top-ups that go with that. It is not rare and if your mother lives another 19 years or his inheritance allows him to coast that far, he won't even be pushed to pretend to look for work.