Are you selfish with food?

[Dollenganger333]

In my household, we will all give away our last rolo, so to speak. Except for dd2. Ever since she was a toddler, she does not like sharing food with anyone and did things like take the box of Christmas chocolates to school and hide them in her locker 🤣. She’s a lovely girl in other ways and nobody is perfect.

But, she’s the only NT person in our household. Which got me thinking that ime most people don’t like sharing food do they? Or am I wrong?

It was a box of communal Christmas chocolates. If someone is bought a present just for them then nobody would touch it.

To put this in context, she’s no longer a child. It’s not something that affects her functioning but she is just generally quite selfish with food.

This was supposed to be lighthearted but if I had to come up with a reason why she’s like this, it might be that she has a sibling 2 years older than her with very significant and complex SEN. This sibling never took any of her food but due to the nature of her needs, she did and still does require a great deal of care. So maybe this affected dd2?

With my brother his insistence on fairness was symptomatic of a wider issue; him being the youngest. I was the oldest so I got to do things first, brownies, older gifts, walking to the shop on my own, staying up later etc. His insistence on my mum counting out maltesers or weighing his share of a sharing bag of crisps to the gram was his way of insisting that we were exactly equal. Then he’d scurry away and eat his on his own, or hide it.

As the only NT one in the family, is she constant expected to put others first and her needs last? It might be why she feels the need to put herself first in some small way if everyone else puts the ND family members first and expects her to just get on with it as she's NT.

I don't mind a shared buffet but dh is awful and it makes me prickly! He grew up with two brothers and their food was always placed in the middle of the table and it was every man for himself! Even now he fails to work out from a shared food experience roughly how much is his so someone always ends up not getting as much or something! I do not like people taking food from my plate though!!

I’m wondering this as well as the OP said another sibling needs a lot of care.

I think you've just answered your own question, OP.

Well there is your answer !

I will share, but on my terms. So presents of chocolate are hidden in my room so they won’t be scoffed by others but I’ll share when I get them out, and if someone were to randomly ask I’ll get them out then. But to me they’re as treat which I like to savour, and leaving them out means I’d get less than my fair share.

It depends on the food. If I have a bag of crisps for example, I don't want to share them because there's only a few in a bag. I don't really like sweets but if I had a bag of sweets I'd happily share them because I wouldn't want a full bag of sugar.

Agree especially if the OP is frequently discussing how 'selfish' she thinks the dd is for not doing as the rest of the family do?
How long ago was the 'chocolates incident'?

I think this is partly true with her grandparents but I asked them not to act this way and they seem to have taken it on board. She sailed through school. And everyone did assume shes ok. Although she is NT, she suffers with anxiety and I keep a close eye on her.

I think it is definitely hard for any child who has a sibling with particularly complex needs.

I don’t say that she is selfish to her lol. This is an anonymous thread. How else would you describe it?

Are you sure she's NT? It's unusual to have one NT in a family of NDs

Sounds like she's learnt a way to prioritise her own needs in a family where that isn't always possible. Doesn't sound like you admonished her and beat it out of you which is good as it sounds like self care. A bit of control. Something that's hers. The only worry would be if she were binge eating

But do you call her selfish to other people?

It’s things like if there is a birthday cake (not DD’s) she will eat about 3/4 of it and not make sure everyone in the house has had a slice before she finishes it off. Which means that in the most recent example of this, her 4 year old sister missed out on a piece of cake. I don’t eat cake anyway so…

Nobody is perfect, and in most ways she’s a very kind and well rounded person imo. I am sure she could name some faults of mine too.

yes I agree it’s unusual. actually she’s not technically NT as she has mild dyslexia. But she sailed through a regular high school with no social problems and always fits in with other people. Her school reports would always say that she had a calming influence on other people.

If this is her only "off balance" quirk, I'd say she's in a pretty good place and you've clearly done a good job of balancing all your kids different needs. Nobody's perfect.

Yes I completely agree.

i didn’t start the thread because i think she needs to change. Especially if it is in fact a defence mechanism. Actually, the reason it was in my mind is because of that saying in Friends about Joey not sharing food. I thought ‘oh this must be common’

I don't like sharing my food.

I've never liked sharing it.
It's mine.

I remember being younger, around 20 I suppose, a bunch of us got together and had beers and takeout.

I nearly.got.in a slap fight with a boy cause he grabbed a slice of my pizza.. he thought we were all sharing. I couldn't get my head around that concept, like at all, it became a huge conversation about me and not understanding the concept of sharing etc.

I still don't get it now.
If we have pizza, I get myself a pizza and DD gets a little pizza..

But... I obviously will cook meals for us, but once it's dished up, that's it, mine is mine.. get hands off.. and don't sit across a table and try to steal a chip, your hand might get forked..

It was a box of communal Christmas chocolates.
She might have wanted to save "her share" until she was ready to eat them. Might be next day, next week or next month but she wanted to choose when.

Although she is NT, she suffers with anxiety and I keep a close eye on her.
If she has had no control over any aspect of her life - whether now or growing up, and has had to put a sibling first on every occasion, has bad anxiety, then be very glad her control response is hiding her share of communal sweets instead of anorexia/binge eating or self harm.

I've had to hide my treats since I was little. My DBs during childhood used to grab more than their share, and since marriage my DH think it's a game to find my multiple hiding places and gloat about it. I now have severe binge issues due to me having zero control over choosing WHEN to eat my treats.

I don't consider it selfish me choosing to eat my own treats, it is selfish and entitled of others assuming I have to share when they've already had their own quotas. Basically the others are greedy fuckers.

Oh I hate people trying to take food from my plate. Once I'm finished, go ahead. If I offer you a taste, feel free to accept. If you ask and I agree, yes, take a piece to try it. But just stick your fork or hand over and help yourself? The red mist descends. Its so fucking RUDE.

How old is she?

Here food is prepared and served in kitchen, so we all have what's appropriate for our requirements/things we prefer. If it's something like a treat I've bought for the family, cakes, bar chocolate, then it's expected to be shared in equal portions unless someone isn't in the mood and offers elsewhere. If something like a present, then we'd expect recipient to eat/drink most of it, but they'd usually offer others a taste, smaller portion.

But just stick your fork or hand over and help yourself? The red mist descends. Its so fucking RUDE.

Oh, anyone who does that is narcissistic and has a lack of boundaries.

If she has had no control over any aspect of her life - whether now or growing up, and has had to put a sibling first on every occasion, has bad anxiety, then be very glad her control response is hiding her share of communal sweets instead of anorexia/binge eating or self harm.

I couldn’t agree more with this, yes. I don’t see it as a problem. It doesn’t cause any issues or arguments because we hardly ever argue and the rest of us don’t care if she is possessive about food. The thread has helped me work out why she is like it though!

This is an entirely different thing to keeping her portions to herself. This IS selfish.