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Original poster

Would you go away long haul without your young child if there's no-one else?

96 replies

quickques · 22/05/2024 21:08

Context is I've been offered an opportunity. Before I had DC I would have jumped at the chance. It's a career opportunity to work in the West coast of the States doing something I love, training others and getting paid a good fee.

The down side is I have a 3 yo (will be 4 at the time) and I just don't want to leave them. We have no other family, no grandparents or cousins etc so just my DH, and DC is an only child.

I'm trying to see if I could bring family along but it's not looking practical.

Husband doesn't understand why I wouldn't just go.

I have a bunch of reasons I'm not sure everyone would understand, in no particular order:

  • no-one to look after DC and husband works late so can't see that working out
  • would miss DC
  • disruption to DC routine
  • they are my only child. I know it's catastrophic thinking but I've only been away without them once (short haul weekend) and felt nervous on the flight the whole time in case it crashed and I left them without a mum. (I'm not generally anxious or nervous of flying). Since being a mum I value my own life much more and try to stay healthy as there is no-one else if something happened to DH and me.

Again not generally anxious. Does anyone have an only child and no other family and get this feeling about travelling?

OP posts:
Famfirst · 23/05/2024 12:27

Absolutely. My children are almost grown and I've never left them and never would. It's vital for me that they know that they are my priority above anyone and anything else.

penguinbiscuits · 23/05/2024 12:27

Yes I left my 10 months old for two weeks with my husband. I was away for work.
It's fine. Had to be done.

ElaineMBenes · 23/05/2024 12:29

Famfirst · 23/05/2024 12:27

Absolutely. My children are almost grown and I've never left them and never would. It's vital for me that they know that they are my priority above anyone and anything else.

Are you suggesting that parents who travel with work don't prioritise their children?

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Families
Ponderingwindow · 23/05/2024 12:31

Being across a border from my young child would be a bit concerning for me. What if they close the borders because of another pandemic? Add another continent and the worry increases.

the reality is that it’s only 2 weeks and the odds of anything happening are very low. Your child will also be home with a parent, or left with a sitter.

your husband may have to adjust his work in order to support your career during these weeks. That is ok. It is part of parenting and a healthy relationship. You likely took leave after your child was born. That enabled him to keep working. He can deal with supporting you for a bit of business travel.

VioletMoonGirl · 23/05/2024 12:36

Can DH not take annual leave/WFH to be around for DS? It’s only two weeks…

AlltheFs · 23/05/2024 12:39

I would absolutely leave DD for 2 weeks. Only child, no family help - just me and DH. DD is 4.

It would be hard and I’d miss her and worry a bit but absolutely I’d go!

fedupwithbeingcold · 23/05/2024 13:22

I would go and I have done it many times when my son was little. His dad managed perfectly fine and I was glad my career was quite advanced by the time we got divorced. I would have been bitter had I missed those opportunities out of irrational fears

Beezknees · 23/05/2024 13:26

I wouldn't go, no. It's very personal and no one should judge either way, I'd be too concerned to be that far away in case of an emergency.

mindutopia · 23/05/2024 13:28

Yes, of course! You aren’t moving there. I went to Australia from the UK for 2 weeks for work when eldest was 18 months old. Dh changed up work schedule and took some time off to cover what I’d normally do, because he’s a parent too and perfectly capable. We have no family help, but dc was in nursery 3-4 days a week at that age. Can’t see why you wouldn’t!

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 23/05/2024 13:31

Op you could be hit by a bus tomorrow and it will be the same scenario but doesn't mean you're not going to leave your house. Unless you plan on staying at home and never leaving for the rest of your life you take that risk everyday. It will be fine you need to go for yourself I think to try and get over some of this anxiety you have.

TheSnowyOwl · 23/05/2024 13:36

Something could happen to any of the three of you at any stage. I know you say you don’t have anyone else at all but maybe you need to look at finding someone (a close friend or colleague?) and make sure you have your wills and finances in order. Given it’s causing you sufficient anxiety that it’s looking at stopping you from doing what most would consider as a normal work trip, perhaps it’s worth seeking help from your GP or counsellor?

Your DH works long, pressured hours and is confident in doing the childcare alone for a fortnight. Presumably he quite capable even if not (yet) overly experienced in solo childcare and is willing to support you going.

If you don’t want to go because you don’t want to leave your child and DH, that’s fine but you sound as if you trying to find reasons not to go.

Hotgoose · 23/05/2024 13:40

2 weeks?! Go, definitely go, your husband will make it work, he has too, there’s not really another option but for him to step up is there.

GoodHeavens99 · 23/05/2024 13:41

quickques · 22/05/2024 21:08

Context is I've been offered an opportunity. Before I had DC I would have jumped at the chance. It's a career opportunity to work in the West coast of the States doing something I love, training others and getting paid a good fee.

The down side is I have a 3 yo (will be 4 at the time) and I just don't want to leave them. We have no other family, no grandparents or cousins etc so just my DH, and DC is an only child.

I'm trying to see if I could bring family along but it's not looking practical.

Husband doesn't understand why I wouldn't just go.

I have a bunch of reasons I'm not sure everyone would understand, in no particular order:

  • no-one to look after DC and husband works late so can't see that working out
  • would miss DC
  • disruption to DC routine
  • they are my only child. I know it's catastrophic thinking but I've only been away without them once (short haul weekend) and felt nervous on the flight the whole time in case it crashed and I left them without a mum. (I'm not generally anxious or nervous of flying). Since being a mum I value my own life much more and try to stay healthy as there is no-one else if something happened to DH and me.

Again not generally anxious. Does anyone have an only child and no other family and get this feeling about travelling?

I bet your husband wouldn't struggle with the same problem.

You clearly have an important job, as well as he does.
But he wouldn't worry that you can't cope - especially for 2 weeks.

He'd just go!

allthevitamins · 23/05/2024 14:18

Also think of your 'older' child...

When your DC is old enough to reflect on this (and frankly probably won't remember you being away anyway...) then they'll say,' My mum once went on a business trip to the USA for two weeks! She must be brilliant at her job! And it's so good that she was able to advance her career too!'.

It sounds like a fairly one-off sort of arrangement. Personally I'd hate to have to do this say a few times a year. But a one-off is just that... take the opportunity

HesterRoon · 23/05/2024 14:48

It’s only for 2 weeks! Plenty of parents travel with work-if you were a man it wouldn’t even be an issue apart from sorting out the logistics of sorting out the childcare around the spouse’s work.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 23/05/2024 15:18

quickques · 23/05/2024 10:49

People seem to have latched onto me not trusting DH to look after him as the main reason for not wanting to go, but that's not it. I have some concerns about how the childcare would work around DH's job but that's not the main thing.

The main thing is something that maybe people with supportive wider families and / or more than one child might not fully get. The fear of being away and something happening (to me or DC). That if something happened to DC I'd be 24 hours away, and if something happened to me there's no-one else in the world except DH. We rely on each other so much more and if me or DH ever had an accident my child would be left all alone in the world. It has made me value my life and health / fitness so much more.

Again I'm not generally overly anxious and I'm not saying I sit and think about this stuff all the time, but the prospect of this trip has made me think about it.

You're going to the USA, not the moon.

I would go in a heartbeat. It's 2 weeks.

I have family btw but they all live 200 miles away, we never had any childcare support when the kids were little. We would have made it work.

SummerHouse · 23/05/2024 15:41

I went away for four nights when DC were 6 and 8. Not quite the same level but I did think this was a big deal at the time. It was to cycle the coast to coast. It was an amazing thing to do that DC (6 years on) actually still talk about and want to do themselves. I think it's good for them to not think their parents (i.e. mothers) lives always revolve entirely around them.

ilovevinyl · 23/05/2024 15:45

Don't go then. Let your career stagnate because you're afraid of 'something happening' just know that if you don't get any more opportunities it's because you didn't want to leave your child with his competent parent for 2 weeks

I bet your husband wouldn't even think twice about going

muggart · 23/05/2024 16:00

We have no family and just a 2yr old DD. My DH does trips like that a couple of times a year. We don't even discuss it, it's just assumed he's going.

I have to agree with others that if you were a man this wouldn't be an issue.

DrStrangesSmarterSister · 23/05/2024 17:29

We're in a similar position, and both of travel for work (including internationally) as and when needed.

NewName24 · 23/05/2024 18:49

I'm not sure how you can say you are not generally anxious, but then turn down this opportunity because of such an irrational fear.

Yes, I would have gone, when any of mine were 4. My job doesn't involve international travel, but dh did, several times when my dc were little. Had there been some life threatening emergency then he would have come straight back. Other things, I just cracked on a deal with them.

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