Would you go away long haul without your young child if there's no-one else?

[quickques]

Context is I've been offered an opportunity. Before I had DC I would have jumped at the chance. It's a career opportunity to work in the West coast of the States doing something I love, training others and getting paid a good fee.

The down side is I have a 3 yo (will be 4 at the time) and I just don't want to leave them. We have no other family, no grandparents or cousins etc so just my DH, and DC is an only child.

I'm trying to see if I could bring family along but it's not looking practical.

Husband doesn't understand why I wouldn't just go.

I have a bunch of reasons I'm not sure everyone would understand, in no particular order:

• no-one to look after DC and husband works late so can't see that working out
• would miss DC
• disruption to DC routine
• they are my only child. I know it's catastrophic thinking but I've only been away without them once (short haul weekend) and felt nervous on the flight the whole time in case it crashed and I left them without a mum. (I'm not generally anxious or nervous of flying). Since being a mum I value my own life much more and try to stay healthy as there is no-one else if something happened to DH and me.

Again not generally anxious. Does anyone have an only child and no other family and get this feeling about travelling?

The main thing is something that maybe people with supportive wider families and / or more than one child might not fully get. The fear of being away and something happening (to me or DC). That if something happened to DC I'd be 24 hours away, and if something happened to me there's no-one else in the world except DH. We rely on each other so much more and if me or DH ever had an accident my child would be left all alone in the world. It has made me value my life and health / fitness so much more.

Tbh OP I think most parents feel some sense of this, but you are no more likely to have something happen to you by being away for 2 weeks?

Also your DH is there with your DC, you're not a single mother. Your child is not alone.

If you feel really negative about it then of course don't go, but it seems like a cool opportunity it would be sad to miss.

I get it. But there are more risky things you probably do without thinking. In my county we have a death every week on our roads. People just think of driving as a necessary risk. I would go. I think what you are feeling is guilt and selfishness which two weeks away does not warrant! I would get into meditation and mindfulness. The flying thing is probably a little irrational but something you can manage and work on. Let your child see you are ambitious and courageous and take the opportunity. Go!!

I understand your worries, you are scared you will die and leave your child without you.
You will miss your child terribly.
I think you should go, it will do you good and will elevate your fears, when nothing bad happens, for next time. You might even be surprised that they can cope without you.

Make sure your wills are up to date, that you have access to a credit card for an emergency, there's food in the freezer, that DH has a day by day plan for work/childcare and just go!!

We understand what you are saying and think you should go regardless.

Your fears are normal but you have to continue with your life. You cross roads every day presumably, life is full of risks. Do not turn down an opportunity like this because of "what if".

Even people with supportive families feel like this. It's part of being a mum

Why would something happen to you? And if it did, it could happen wherever you are.

It’s sensible to worry about things that are likely and minimise risks, but you can’t spend your life worrying about unlikely things and missing out due to them.

I agree with PPs. Everyone has these thoughts. If you let these fears control you, your life will be very small indeed. Would you say no to your DH doing something similar?

Do you normally catastrophise like this @quickques ? Why not sit with dh and figure out childcare? Can he use a bit of Annual Leave also so as to make it easier on dc?? This is not impossible to do.

I understand the worry of being that much further away should something happen, but just because you are far away does not increase the likelihood of something happening.

I've done long haul for work leaving DS (under 2yo) with DH twice. Five days to Hong Kong when he was 14 months and 8 days to the Caribbean when he was 16 months. Both times I missed him, yes, but I knew he was absolutely fine with his father.

We also went away together for a week when he was 21 months and left him with his grandma, in our house going to nursery as normal. While we were away he got scarlet fever. Not ideal, but grandma handled it like a pro and he was fine by the time we got home.

It's scary leaving, but if you think rationally, something is not more likely to happen to you just because you are further away, nor is it more likely to happen to you because you don't have a wide extended family. Anything could happen to anyone at anytime in any location. It shouldn't stop you taking advantage of amazing opportunities that come your way.

OP your worries are legitimate and sometimes when we have young kids we have to accept that we will not want to do big things like international travel without them. Some parents can do this but if you don’t feel comfortable then listen to your gut. I’d feel exactly the same was as you OP, I feel weird going away for one night! And that’s ok. I still get out and about and have nights away but I draw a line at longer commitments. Please don’t beat yourself up for not feeling 100% ok with this.

Hi OP, no I wouldn't want to go. No reflection on DH I just wouldn't want to be separated from small DC. I wouldn't be happy being so far away. I'd take with or try and get out of it.

2 weeks will be fine
To put your mind at rest, ask a parent of some friends from school if they could step in and help in a dire emergency with your DH and that's the big one covered.
I used to have to do 2/3 long haul trips a year when mine were little and it was fine honestly. Dad stepped up remarkably well and I feel the DC benefitted from having that time on their own with him.

Personally I'd go.
Id explain it in terms my DD understands, maybe using a book or I'd make a story?
"Mummy is going on an adventure!" type thing
I'd facetime while out there and bring back a really fun present.

Your explanation of your issue is not something that resonates with me, and probably not many others as its quite irrational/ anxiety based.

If you just dont want to go its fine but a 3 yr old and no extended family isnt a blocker

If you don't want to go, that's fine. but I do think your fears are irrational and you're basing it on a very unlikely situation. If something happened to DC, you could get back within a day, and your DH would be there. you can't live properly if you are constantly worrying about the rare worst case.

I've done this (it was Far East).
DS was 18 months and I made sure that our regular evening babysitter was free to pick DS up from nursery. I think DH dropped off and then was a bit late back so the babysitter gave him his tea and started bedtime.
We had lovely Skype breakfasts (for him, my teatime).
I think I was away about 12 days in total so DH took a day's annual leave either end and dropped me at the airport with DS, then it was lovely to see him when I arrived back.

Yes for only 2 weeks I would definitely go.

The main thing is something that maybe people with supportive wider families and / or more than one child might not fully get. The fear of being away and something happening (to me or DC). That if something happened to DC I'd be 24 hours away, and if something happened to me there's no-one else in the world except DH. We rely on each other so much more and if me or DH ever had an accident my child would be left all alone in the world. It has made me value my life and health / fitness so much more.

I have one child.
No family support ( my mum died when I was younger and my dad doesn't have much to do with us)

I travel long haul 3 or 4 times a year for work. So does DH.

You could have an accident travelling to the hairdressers 🤷🏼‍♀️

There is not "no one else" there is your DH, your child's Dad.

In answer to your question. Yes I would go. And yes I have done. And so has my DH.

DH can take leave or you (both) have time to organise some childcare - childminder? Does your child not go to nursery?

If it is such a good opportunity, see if you can make it work. Sit down with your husband and write out in agonizing detail the kids routine and see if childcare can be made to work.
Two weeks is not that long.

Always look at it OP of the sexed were reversed what would you think? Your DH has said they would manage so work something out if you’d enjoy it and it will help career prospects. People wouldn’t think twice if it was a DH doing it

I have a pre schooler and have done two trans-Atlantic’s work trips in the last year. DH works shifts and childcare does not fit with that, so is based around my hours.
IMO going away wouldnt have worked without family support, they did pick-up and had DC overnight when DH was on shift. We have used local grandparents and had grandparent who lives further away come and stay.
In your situation it would work if your DH was able to work a standard 9-5 whilst you were away, and then pick anything else up in the evening.
You both need to then do as much prep as possible, batch cook, easy meals, supermarket delivery, extra hours for the cleaner (can they do some washing) etc.

@quickques I understand. We’re the same, it’s just me, DH and toddler DS. There isn’t anyone to call on for wider support. I guess in an emergency there is nursery for a random day if it was needed and they had space, or friends, but it’s not the norm for us.

I think I’d see if it’s an option to take them - that’d be my preference and is what we usually do. They’ve had a great time been when we’ve ended up in random places they wouldn’t have chosen.

Otherwise I’d weigh up the benefits. I had the chance to go to Mexico City, Rio and Tokyo with work this year, but I wouldn’t have been able to take DH & DS - it cost too much and the timings were crazy, basically four very full-on days in each place. In the end, I didn’t go. I think it was probably the right decision, at the time, but I do feel a bit of regret - seeing those places for free would have been brilliant! There was no career benefit to me, though - in fact I’d be invited as a “sweetener”, so it didn’t do me any harm to send someone more “supposed” to be there in my place. It probably did the opposite and looked like good development for them.

I do understand the fear. It’s a strange one. Have you got time to sit with this for a bit? It might be difficult to make the decision immediately.

I think this is probably a case of the thought is worse than actually doing it. I'm saying this as someone that hasn't had a break from their child in 9 years as I have no family by the way so it's not like I don't understand the predicament. Your dc will be with their competent father, it's down to him to figure out the childcare if he's working the long hours and is thinking you should go on the trip. He might have a plan to reduce his hours for those weeks perhaps.

I would go, it seems like a great opportunity.

Honestly, your DH should just use done annual leave and you should just to this. You can take it annual leave with your DC at another time. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time!

And, whilst you haven't mentioned it, I'd personally enjoy the evenings in the hotel by myself or socialising with colleagues, maybe a bit of exploring in the middle weekend, and reading a good book on my travels. Don't feel guilty about that part at all!!

I travel regularly long haul for work (mostly US and Asia). My husband is a capable and equal parent but for my own sanity, I have a five night limit on being away. My daughter is young and more than this feels too much.

Also understand the worry about "what if" this crosses my mind every time I leave and I usually have a pre-flight panic. Typically once I'm on the plane it's fine. I do have a couple of colleagues whose husbands and young children travel with them but I think it's disruptive and we're better off sticking to her routine.