Please help. Just found this on my dad's back.

[sprigatito]

My dad's partner died of cancer a few days ago, he and I were with her when she died, and I've brought him home with me until the funeral (and probably permanently). He's got Alzheimer's and his partner was his carer. He's been looking pained and twisting his shoulder, he said it's just a spot, but I made him show me his back and found this. It looks just like the squamous cell carcinoma he's had removed before, only it's enormous. He's lost weight and is pale and more vague and breathless than usual, but I thought it was just grief

This is really fucking bad, isn't it? He survived stage 4 lymphoma in 2017 and has a heart condition. I have a doctor calling me back from 111, but should I just take him to A&E?

I’m so sorry. I hope doctors will be to do something to alleviate his discomfort.

I'm so sorry, what a worry!

Are they likely to treat this aggressively?

Would you or your dad want that, bearing in mind he has dementia?

Or are you just hoping that the lesion gets excised?

I nursed elderly people with dementia for years, and if they got cancer diagnoses, they tended to be kept comfortable, but not treated for the cancer.

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about what the dermatologist has said.

The majority of cutaneous carcinomas are treatable - they do sometimes metastasize and I know your dads is large but hey, nobody knows until the know, right? Just trying to be a little positive.

I can't help but wonder how the hell his previous carer didn't see this and do something about it, even when it was half the size.

Sending you lots of love ❤️

Honestly I don't know how they will want to proceed. I think it depends on what sort of cancer it is, how deep it goes (the doctor said it "feels deep" and whether it has metastasised. I would not be in favour of putting him through chemotherapy again. It decimated him last time, and he is older and frailer now. Tbh I am pretty terrified even of having it excised if it is deep, it would mean a major operation and a lot of pain and a long recovery. But he's so precious to me I don't want to lose him. None of the scenarios are good.

They are able to help before diagnosis, and offer support:

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/worried-about-cancer

But in the meantime, have you people around you for support? Sending you all my best. I wish I could make you a cuppa!

Aw, that's so hard OP. Especially the not knowing and all that time spent mulling over 'what ifs'. I think once you know exactly what you're dealing with, it will be much easier because you will doing rather than thinking. I hope all goes ok

Thanks Arabella, I didn't know that. I'll give them a call, it's looking like he will be diagnosed with cancer so it would be good to get some advice on what would be best for him if they do suggest aggressive treatment. I'm sure they will have lots of experience with the dilemma of cancer treatment and dementia/old age, and I could really do with advice on what's best.

I am so sorry that you're in this position.

It's obvious that you love your dad very much, and want the best for him.

What a difficult and emotional situation.

Just be warned McMillan do try and have conversations around death.

they’ll ask how he feels about dying etc. we had to tell them not to come back as he was getting very upset and couldn’t grasp what they were saying.

they’re good for sorting benefits etc but that’s about it imo.

it will likely be your decision on how aggressive they get. They will lay out the options but ultimately it’s your dad’s/your decision.

you can say no to any treatment offered if you don’t feel it will benefit. I do think it’s unlikely they will offer anything that will affect his quality of life too badly.

Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. I've had friends who sang their praises!

Hope they may be able to help you, OP, if not then there must be other similar set ups.

You sound such a wonderful daughter. Your Dad is lucky to have you. I'm so sorry you, your family and your Dad are going through this.

When my Dad was in hospital before he died we let the medical staff make all the decisions. They were all really kind and I trusted them. My Dad was happy with this too. It made it easier for us. The medical staff have seen it all before and relinquishing the difficult decisions to them was what was best for my Dad and for me too.

FWIW when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, they took into account his frailty (rapid weight loss, pain etc) and decided that treatment would be unkind. That was really tough to swallow, because his frailty was a result of being fobbed off by his GP for months. But it was the right decision and I now see that.

It may be worth reading up if you can bear to, as that may help you when talking to the dermatologist. I found that Dad's Oncologist was a lot more respectful when he realised how much research I had done.

They’re highly unlikely to suggest aggressive treatment given his age, state of health.

I think I said I’m in exactly the same situation - elderly father with late stage dementia and heart failure also now diagnosed with cancer.

My focus is making him as comfortable as possible and quality of life.

I have agreed to a procedure to make my father more comfortable and control some of the symptoms. But he’s not having any kind of aggressive cancer treatment. His GP and consultants are totally on board with this.

It really does depend on type, some (many?) don't need aggressive, or even very urgent treatment if you're comfortable with, say, a 5 year time scale.
I know it's hard but I would try not to worry too much until you know what you are dealing with.

So sorry to read this update, was hoping for better news. As others have already said, please do contact McMillan, they're a great source of moral as well as practical support. Also, if you have a Maggie's Centre in your area, please go there too, they're a wonderful organisation x
https://www.maggies.org/

I am trying not to jump the gun, but it's hard, especially as I am reading everything I can find about all the different things it could be. It just feels like life is imploding, and getting really clued-up about skin cancer is the only bit of agency I have. DH is upstairs lying down with severe stomach pain, I have never in all our 27 years together known him to stop working because he feels ill. He's never ill. Thursday is when the official liquidation process starts and we find out whether he still has a job. We've had to make an emergency call to MIL's GP today to ask them to do a welfare check because her breakdown has now become dangerous, she's convinced herself that her neighbours are poisoning her water so she's stopped drinking. Dad has just confronted me and said I can't keep him here, he needs to go back to his place otherwise he will lose it (he's not wrong there, he will lose it, but he thinks he can just go on the train by himself and everything will be fine). I can't even offer to go with him and bring him back because we can't afford the train fare. I can't cope.

Sorry about the rant, I'm just losing the plot today.

OP it sounds so very very hard. Sending love and courage and strength.

This is your thread for you to rant on, OP. Bloody hell, no wonder you need one! Too much all at once.

Oh gosh op. Your up to your neck right now.

Write every task down and order it in importance.

Mil you call then you park as that's as much as you can do.

Dh you park until you know about the job, your can't do anything until then except make sure you keep talking.

Dad, tell him the train is booked for the day after his appointment. Tell him you had already agreed and lie it's the 1st or what ever you have to do if his memory is shit.

Basically you deal with what's on fire right now. If you can't get dad home and back in time for his app then it's as simple as that. "We agreed you are going back home after this Dr app remember? We booked the tickets didn't we?"

Sorry about your df . Yes these situations are very upsetting snd challenging but trying to keep a loved one comfortable and free from distress is sometimes all we can do.

I agree with @DyslexicPoster wrt lying to your dad.

I was a specialist dementia nurse and I lied all the time, just to keep the patients happy and myself sane.

Make his dementia work in your favour. Just tell him he's going home tomorrow.
Tomorrow, he won't remember this, so you tell him he's going home the next day. Etc. Etc.

@Mirabai I think that's the right decision for your dad too, and probably will be for mine if it comes to it. It's cruel to put someone through invasive and painful treatment when it won't buy them very much time anyway and they only have a hazy understanding of what it's for.

I bloody hate dementia. One day he's got no idea where he is and needs looking after like a child, and the next minute he has a period of lucidity and asserts his right to bugger off on a train 300 miles away and gets angry that I think it's a bad idea 😞 I just find it all so difficult and frightening. I have told him for now that he needs to be here until he's had his hospital appointment, but he said "that's fine, I'll go for a couple of nights and come back"... he won't, he'll forget what he's doing there and go looking for his partner who died two weeks ago. He's packed his rucksack and brought it downstairs again.

I have been doing a bit of tactical lying, but I don't feel confident in it, because his dementia is so uneven there's a chance he WILL remember something clearly and know that he can't trust me. It's difficult.