Please help. Just found this on my dad's back.

[sprigatito]

My dad's partner died of cancer a few days ago, he and I were with her when she died, and I've brought him home with me until the funeral (and probably permanently). He's got Alzheimer's and his partner was his carer. He's been looking pained and twisting his shoulder, he said it's just a spot, but I made him show me his back and found this. It looks just like the squamous cell carcinoma he's had removed before, only it's enormous. He's lost weight and is pale and more vague and breathless than usual, but I thought it was just grief

This is really fucking bad, isn't it? He survived stage 4 lymphoma in 2017 and has a heart condition. I have a doctor calling me back from 111, but should I just take him to A&E?

If he remembers something inconvenient, use delaying tactics.

Just keep putting things off with great confidence. He'll keep forgetting. And find something which will distract him.

That sounds so hard, I'm so sorry.

In his more lucid moments could you appeal to his dad mode? "I'm.sorry dad I know you want to go home so badly, it's just I'm struggling and it's so comforting having you close by to chat to and support me. Would you mind keeping me company for 2 more nights?". Even play up the dynamic a bit more and offload onto to him a bit over a cup.of tea, ask his opinion on what you should do about xyz. I don't know if it would work, but people generally get satisfaction from feeling needed and want to run away from feeling like a burden.

@TheShellBeach thank you, I will try distraction. I'm still quite new to all of this. Have just given him a chocolate flapjack which seems to have preoccupied him for now!

He's fiercely intelligent and independent, almost certainly autistic, and was never really house-trained before he had Alzheimer's. He's lived a very unusual and varied life, he's an incredible artist, writer and musician, but he doesn't do attachments very well and is commitment-phobic...his long relationship with his partner worked because they both had their own places, were together when they wanted to be, and she was as flamboyant and free-spirited as he was. I'm the only one of his kids he's close to, and that's mostly because we played in folk bands together from my teenage years. He's the sort of person who fights his way out of a tent because he'd rather be under the stars...he's really going to struggle with being "trapped" at my house, I just don't know how to make it work.

I could try that, thank you. He's naturally a very kind person so if he thought I needed him he would want to help. I love the old codger so much.

Oh OP I’m almost in tears here. It’s obvious just how much you love him, I really pray you get answers soon and can have a plan moving forward.

I hope there’s good news for your hubby too, you really are going through it. Sending love xxx

He sounds a wonderful and brilliant man.

Could you get him a sketchbook/notepads and engage him in that, ask him to work on a project? What about asking for memories of the times you played together, to write it all down or sketch it? Creative people like a project, and it might help him focus rather than feeling trapped. Then you could perhaps redirect him back to that if he gets impatient.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you (and to him). I wish I had some advice. I have been through some traumatic shit with my parents' ill health, so I am just sending you a hand-hold and sympathy.

Your dad sounds wonderful!
I'm so sorry that you and your family have all these problems at the moment.

OP, I have nothing constructive to add to this thread but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family ❤️

Actually, thinking on, does your hospital offer Telederm appointments or offer referrals to hospitals that do?

I don't know, they haven't mentioned anything about it. The dermatologist he's booked in to see was adamant that he would have to wait until the 5th of June.

He's in more pain tonight, he says it's not the skin that hurts now, it's more of a deep pain on that side, like a muscle strain. Have dosed him up with pain killers but he was very quiet and subdued tonight 😞 I hate seeing him like that. If he's still struggling with pain tomorrow I'm going back to the GP to ask for stronger pain relief.

I really, really appreciate all the support and good wishes. I read them when I'm feeling really miserable and they help a lot. I'd go mad if I didn't have MN right now.

I've nothing helpful to add sprigatito but .

At least 5th June will be closer tomorrow than it was yesterday. Virtual hugs.

Sending strength to you, your Dad, your husband and MIL during such an exceptionally stressful time. #teammumsnet is in your corner.

I really feel for you, your love for your Dad shines though. He sounds like such an interesting person. When so many things are happening at once it’s incredibly challenging, you’re doing such a great job taking things by the day. Let’s hope the NHS kicks is a bit better on June 5.

OP my dad had plasma cell leukaemia and he developed lesions like this (they're called plasmacytoma). I literally cannot believe no-one has run a blood test yet. I would take him to a&e and present him with his weight loss, weakness, pain in his back, and history of lymphoma. Then I would say "oh and he's also got these and then point at the 2 lesions". Insist they do blood tests.

Best of luck x

Oh OP this sounds really tough for you all.

I've been researching like billy-o since I first saw it and I hadn't come across plasmacytoma 😳 cancer is so phenomenally complicated! Am reading about it now, thank you. I'm also pissed off that nobody has done a blood test, surely even just a white cell count would be useful to see if there's systemic disease rather than just one lesion. I've just seen that we will have to wait another 2-3 weeks for a biopsy result once we're seen by the dermatologist. Some of these cancers are so aggressive another month could be critical 😞

Some of these cancers are so aggressive another month could be critical

The majority of doctors would be unlikely to treat aggressive cancer in a man who has lost a lot of weight and has a diagnosis of dementia.

You know that the treatment is brutal.

I do 😞 but a month could be the difference between just having the lesion taken off and having it metasasise. I'm probably not being completely rational though. I know they're moving as fast as they can.

To reassure- the size of that lesion he’s probably had it a while.

that would indicate to me (as a non-clinical research scientist) that is isn’t very aggressive. If it were it would have spread long ago, probably even before the lesion became noticeable.

my next door neighbour has a brain tumour. It’s fairly big, but they decided against treatment for the above reason. Treatment, even a biopsy, would be risky, and if it were aggressive it would have spread.

she’s now had it 15 years and is fine, with only minor symptoms still.

bless you. Waiting is horrible. You want someone, somewhere, to do something.

What matters now, it seems to me, is looking after yourselves - lots of TLC and treats.

Gently, OP - if he's lost a lot of weight, it very likely has metastasised anyway.

They'll do a chest X Ray soon and you'll know where you are.

You're doing the best you can, @sprigatito

You've got an awful lot on your plate.

How is your husband today?
Very anxious, I imagine, because of tomorrow.

He's at a job interview right now. He's still feeling pretty rotten but buscopan has helped, so I think he's probably just got a very nervous stomach. Poor fucker looks terrible, but at least he should get some answers tomorrow or shortly after.

I know you're right about the likely outcome for Dad. I just need to stop obsessing about it and try and enjoy his company now. I'm not very good at compartmentalising and I do have an unfortunate habit of trying to control everything.