Torn over breastfeeding number 2

[Mum7644885]

I currently have a 2 week old and am exclusively breastfeeding, I’m also pumping milk here and there for my partner and mum to bottle feed her. It’s really tough though, I feel torn from my first because I’m constantly stuck feeding, I have so much guilt about it, and the baby is so attached to me, which I know is a good thing but she is reliant on me to feed her to sleep and console her on the breast when upset, it is the only thing that works, she hates the car seat right now, hates the pram, hates the swing, it’s just me, it’s exhausting. I breastfed my first but didn’t seem so all consuming because she was all I had to worry about, but I just feel like I’m stuck right now, can’t get out the house and just struggling. I know I’m only 2 weeks in and things will change in time but did any other mums who breastfed number 2 feel like this ? How did you get through ? I just want to be able to get out the house and go places but feeds take so long and she hates being in the car, so it becomes such a stressful experience. I feel like it would be so much easier to just bottle feed her formula, but same time that’s not really what I want to do.

She's only two weeks old! I would give yourself a break, there will be plenty of time for getting out and doing stuff later.

I'd give yourself another month where you do as little as possible and see how the breastfeeding goes.

If anything, once your supply is established and your baby is on more predictable feeding schedule, breastfeeding will make it easier to get out and about because you won't have to bring formula with you everywhere you go.

I breastfed both my children and can relate to this. With DC2 there was a lot of time watching TV during feeding and to be honest DC1 was neglected more than I'd have liked. To be fair it's not just breastfeeding, sometimes when the baby was very unsettled DC1 just had to be given a snack and put in front of the TV.

It gets better when they're a little bigger, longer between feeds and can tolerate prams and other things.

I know she is only 2 weeks old, but I really struggled with my mental health first time around so I’m trying to make myself feel as normal as possible by getting out and about. I just can’t remember my first being so unsettled and crying so much, which I’m sure is wrong, I’m sure she did but feel like I can’t do anything, go anywhere, can’t even get a shower unless she is asleep and some one else is holding her.

How old is number 1? At that stage I just memorised where all the local playgrounds were so that if tiny needed a feed when out, there was somewhere safe for the older one to wander about out of the buggy.

@Kpo58 first is 3 yrs 3 months

Be kind and if breastfeeding isn't working for your mental health or your family then do what works for you.

Your baby will have had a lot of goodness over the first couple of weeks.

Just also wanted to say that I understand. When I was feeding the look on my older child used to make me wonder was it worth it. I did stop (for other reasons aswell) but I used to stay to myself - I have two children to care for and need to do the best for both.

Also after some issues with my first - I wanted to enjoy my baby not stress over things that didn't work

I would maybe try and hold out for a few more weeks and then go for mixed feeding when your supply is more established.
We did mixed feeding with the second although she was easier to feed than the first as I knew more about what was doing.
She had at least one bottle a day from the start. It’s worked for us.

Your baby is doing what she's programmed to do, genetically. She's also doing what she needs to increase your milk supply. She's two weeks old! Of course she's feeding constantly, this is what they do. Two weeks from now, things will be a bit easier. Then two weeks after that, they will be easier again. You're also at prime baby blues time and in a few days will probably feel better as your bond with the baby develops -- you'll feel less stuck to her, and more like you want to be with her so much. (That's what happened for me, anyway.) Hang in there!

Also totally normal, I could barely shower at that point. But remember it changes so so quickly. She's still so tiny and she's getting so much goodness and immune protection from your milk. If you really can't cope then of course that's different, but one piece of advice I got was never to quit on a bad day, and I am so glad I stuck to it. (Loving breastfeeding my 9 m/o now - and it got way easier at the two month mark, then easier again and again etc.)

I'd try to take it a day at a time.

You can stop any time you like, but at two weeks it is completely normal to be sofa-bound.

Get out for a walk whan you need to so long as someone can hold the baby. Do you have a sling? This makes a lot of difference for many people as you can just walk while they sleep.

I had a similar age gap, my first was in preschool when DS came along. It did help me feel not so guilty about not giving her as much attention to start with as at lest she was having fun with her friends for a few mornings a week.

DS also hated the car seat, like forever. Well at lest until he was 9 months and went into a bigger rear facing car seat. I don't think he liked being squashed in a baby car seat.

What I did find really helpful was the sling he would always fall asleep in the sling and as we lived close enough to preschool to walk I didn't have to put him in the car to take DD to preschool so at lest we got out the house without him crying the place down. It does get easier as they get a bit bigger and don't need feeding as often. Also not having to take bottles out when you need everything for a toddler to is far easier.

Thanks all, I have read everyone’s messages and appreciate the responses & feedback.

one question - did your babies scream all the time ? I need a sense check here, I feel right now like the only time she is settled and quiet is when she is feeding or asleep because I’ve fed her, otherwise she is screaming for no apparent reason. Please tell me this is normal and will get better shortly, I can’t remember from my first

Following on from the previous, I think I’d cope a little more if she was more content in the day, but because she is always screaming I’m loosing the will, on top of mum guilt and major sleep deprivation, it’s tipping me over the edge

My dd screamed all the time, it was cmpa and when I cut dairy out she was a different child.

I'd give it more time and learn to feed in the sling. With the eldest I'd also set up things that allow for you to feed. I did play doh at the table for example so I could sit and spend time with her whilst feeding.

We have a one month old second child. We are breastfeeding and im
not pumping as I absolutely hated it the first time. my first one was a bottle refuser (she was exclusively breastfed and I didn’t want to give her formula and when we tried to give her a bottle at 6 months she absolutely refused - tried at least 10 bottles and none worked ). We didn’t want to make the same mistake again in terms of refusing bottle so our second one has a bottle with formula about 2 meals a day so my husband can feed her and I can have some rest (one of the meals is usually around 6am so I sleep get to sleep in). could you pump and then let someone else feed her for one meal so you can have a break if you want to still exclusively breastfeed ?

Our first one was a screamer and she hated sleeping in the cot especially at night. Someone had to hold her to sleep literally. Mentally I was so exhausted, having to get up like almost every hour or two to feed her and I was in a foul mood all the time so I get how you feel. I was in really bad shape for the first month and was borderline depressed as the exhaustion and lack of sleep got to me. It really impacted me a lot, so I was happy to do combi feed this time despite my reluctance the first time and mentally I am a lot better and feel upbeat and no negatives thoughts although still a bit tired..

You are definitely not alone, hang in there and Don’t worry it gets better :)

I agree with trying to cut out dairy, my youngest was a screamer and I wish I had tried this as now she is an older child she is diary intolerant. I should have tried it when she was a baby as I'm sure it would have helped.

I’d ditch the mix feeding- bottle and breast you get all the hassle of bottles added to the demands of breastfeeding. I found it not helpful as I’d have all the faff of expressing, then someone else got to sit on their arse and feed.

i had a number of local places where I could bf, all within about 20 mins. Bf, load everyone up, walk to cafe/library/park or whatever, then sit and feed while older one did her thing.

it will get easier :)

Rather than pump so partner and mum can feed the baby? Why don't they concentrate on looking after you and your first child so you can focus on baby?

My child was like this and was cows milk intolerant

Formula feeding won’t necessarily stop the screaming. Infact it might just take away the one form of comfort you’ve got, as you can’t formula feed on demand in the same way you can breastfeed.

The first weeks are crazy and I hated breastfeeding passionately until 9 weeks, but I’m really glad I stuck with it. I needed to be out and about too so I’ve breastfeed anywhere and everywhere, but I’m really glad I did.

Make the right decision for you, but make sure it’s for the right reasons xx

I wouldn't assume breastfeeding has anything to do with hating the car seat or not wanting to be put down. I ebf both children and with DC2 had less impetus to faff with bottles or pumping not more. Bf was quicker and easier.

We were out and about as much as possible to playgroups and playgrounds and stuff to keep DC1 occupied but we walked out as much as possible.

My girls were a similar age gap… I remember this feeling well! For my own sanity, I created a routine for us to stick to. If you can avoid it, I wouldn’t feed to sleep, I would always try and feed them at the start of the “wake window” so they learnt to settle without being fed. I did it with both my girls, and it meant they were a lot more content to be put down, or passed around and drifted off that way.

Have you considered using a dummy? I’m not sure that breastfeeding is the problem, she sounds abit of an unsettled baby.

I had this exact age gap. It definitely had its challenges and I was so exhausted but I think it didn't feel as overwhelming for me because DC2 was a much easier newborn than DC1 and I also found breastfeeding them much easier. DC1 screamed all the time for about 9 months whereas DC2 rarely cried at all until they were about 5 months old tbh. DC1 was also excruciatingly painful to breastfeed the entire time which nobody could figure out why, whereas all pain was gone with DC2 by about 4 weeks in.

I had DH at home for the first 4 weeks which was a big help as we all adjusted, particularly as I had complications recovering from my birth injury and wasn't fully mobile until the end of that period. Had to go back to the hospital about 5 times in those few weeks which was an issue we could have done without!

It's such early days and honestly I don't think formula feeding would make it any easier. It takes longer to wash, sterilise and make up bottles than to breastfeed. I could also walk around and breastfeed with one hand free where needed, I couldn't do that whilst bottle feeding. That being said, my DH did do three night feeds a week for me with expressed milk initially and then formula, and that was super helpful to let me have 3 nights a week with a longer block of sleep!

Once DH went back to work I used the pram and a dummy for most of DC2's naps until he was about 9mo and would sleep in his cot upstairs. I did a lot of stuff with DC1 whilst breastfeeding - reading stories, she'd draw or colour and id sit next to her and chat, watching telly together, playing games like snap or bingo together, reading magazines and doing the activities together. Or wed do role play games whwre I didn't have to move like cafe and I'd be the customer so she'd bring me the toy food etc.

Just responding generally as there are quite a few messages.

I just feel like breastfeeding takes away from the time I spend and attention I’m giving my first which is really upsetting me, it also means I’m not really sleeping and am majorly sleep deprived.

my partner was giving expressed milk but yesterday and today baby has been so upset that she won’t even take the bottle, literally the only thing that has kept her quiet today is being on the boob.

Ive tried a dummy and she hates it.

The only way she will go to sleep is if she is fed to sleep, tried it other ways, doesn’t work and then she gets over tired and becomes horrendous to settle. She won’t lie in a cot etc, we’ve been cosleeping but last few nights she’s been really unsettled.

CMPA - yes I’ve considered this, the thought of giving up dairy on top of everything else is a nightmare, but I am considering it

Help - I have my mum, who has been great but not always around, I do agree with the person who posted that said about people helping with my first and the house so that I can just concentrate on feeding etc but I don’t have a huge amount of help. My partner is brilliant btw, but even with the two of us it isn’t enough to keep on top of everything.

My first is also acting up big time, she can tell I’m wrecked and drained and is just responding by making life very difficult, I can literally hear her screaming mummy from downstairs because I’ve tried to come for a nap.

I’m so tired now to be honest and feeling super low, so I can’t think straight anymore. I miss my partner and my first child, I feel like I’m with them but not really with them, I knew it would be hard second time around but completely underestimated it

Can husband take time off work? This would be my top suggestion, with his role to love bomb the 3yo and help you get out of the house every day. If he can’t take leave, worth a day/coupla days’ A/L a week for a month, break up the week. You’re absolutely right to be mindful of your MH, I’m not sure bf/bottle feeding is the underlying issue though, it’s just MASSIVE rn as supply gets established.

I stayed home 6 weeks with #2, had lots of visitors though.

Ask your mum/a friend to get some books/magazines/sticker books/plasticine pots/exciting things to float your 3yo’s boat and ask them to wrap them, either store with baby’s change stuff so that you have a distraction to offer when attention is on baby, or have husband hide a couple a day around the room and play ‘warmer colder’.

Let go of the mess. My house was a state: it got sorted eventually. Also, and more importantly, let go of your 3yo’s feelings. S/he will feel put out/upset at times; it’s ok. What better time to learn that we can cope with these difficult feelings, when we’re still so young that mum/dad can make everything ok again by bedtime? The feelings won’t last because you clearly love both your children.