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Original poster

Shall I tell dd I can't help with moving costs. Or am I being selfish.

63 replies

Toothless224 · 13/05/2024 11:54

So dd booked a holiday a while back. For her and her boyfriend. She recently broke up with him. She could not find anyone to go with so her teen brother has ended up going. So now i owe dd 600 pounds.

Obviously I will pay the 600 back to her. But also dd is moving home. Via a swap. And I had said I will help her with moving cost . And help get GS a new bed etc .

The thing is my income is going to change very soon. I'm going to loose around 300 a month. I have things I Need to pay of in the next couple of months or so before the interest kicks in. Plus the 600 to pay dd back.

I do have some savings just under 3 thousand. Its taken me a very long time to save this up. This is to get my teeth sorted out. I still Need to save another 2 thousand.i have been approximately 3 years with hardly any teeth. I have always put my kids first including my adult children especially if they are vulnerable/having a hard time. So the saving to sort teeth is a selfish thing that I was doing for me.

Part of me is thinking pay dd pay the 600 ASAP and tell her she will have to use that for moving expenses. Another part of me thinks I should help her like I normally would and delay the teeth thing a bit longer. But then i don't know if I will be able to save once my income changes...

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 13/05/2024 11:56

Why are you paying for a holiday or why is she when there's other things of greater need?

FinallyHere · 13/05/2024 11:58

so her teen brother has ended up going. So now i owe dd 600 pounds.

Don't understand this at all?

Why are you paying for someone to replace the boyfriend who dropped out?

Are you prone to giving DD things you can't afford ? Why do you think that is?

Original poster
Toothless224 · 13/05/2024 12:02

DoreenonTill8 · 13/05/2024 11:56

Why are you paying for a holiday or why is she when there's other things of greater need?

I'm paying for the teen ds to go with her. So I'm paying teen ds part not her part . But I owe her 600 for teen ds part .

The moving is an social housing swap that she only found out about a month ago . . She is a 3rd floor flat no lift and is really struggling . The place she's swapping to is ground floor garden etc . It's extremely difficult to get a swap like that so she could not turn it down.

OP posts:

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General money
FrontEnd · 13/05/2024 12:02

How old is your DD? Why did she pay for her boyfriends share in the first place? Why hasn't he paid it back?

Original poster
Toothless224 · 13/05/2024 12:04

FinallyHere · 13/05/2024 11:58

so her teen brother has ended up going. So now i owe dd 600 pounds.

Don't understand this at all?

Why are you paying for someone to replace the boyfriend who dropped out?

Are you prone to giving DD things you can't afford ? Why do you think that is?

I never said her boyfriend dropped out . I said they broke up dropping out is completely different

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 13/05/2024 12:04

So you are going to pay for your sons holiday and also moving costs for your daughter plus buy something for grandchild . But you have hardly any teeth and think you are selfish . NO! Put yourself first and get your teeth done . You are being way too soft.

shepherdsangeldelight · 13/05/2024 12:06

Does your teen DS really want to go on holiday with his sister, or is this your way of "rescuing" her? It sounds like the latter - so I'd suggest saying she needs to find someone else to go with, or has to suck up the cost. If she's struggling to find moving costs and buy a bed, then it doesn't sound like booking a holiday was a good plan anyway.

AffIt · 13/05/2024 12:06

I think getting your teeth sorted, especially if you have been suffering from significant dental issues for years, is a far higher priority than holidays or beds.

WimseyofBalliol · 13/05/2024 12:08

Your teeth need to take priority over everything else!

WhisperGold · 13/05/2024 12:09

NHS dentist or dental hospital might be able to help you out.

Original poster
Toothless224 · 13/05/2024 12:10

FrontEnd · 13/05/2024 12:02

How old is your DD? Why did she pay for her boyfriends share in the first place? Why hasn't he paid it back?

Its a little complicated. So she broke up with the boyfriend. He was aggressive towards her saying he wants his money back now etc. Even though he had paid in installments he wanted the lot back there and then. Dd contacted his mum because she did not know what to do. So his mum transfered the money to dd she then passed it to him. She's now paying his mum back. She could not find anyone to take in the other ticket. Its her first holiday and I felt bad for her . So that's why teen ds has ended up going with her.

OP posts:
KeinLiebeslied54321 · 13/05/2024 12:12

Her teen brother owes her money, not you.
If you cannot afford to help her then don't, you are not a bank.

Original poster
Toothless224 · 13/05/2024 12:12

Tourmalines · 13/05/2024 12:04

So you are going to pay for your sons holiday and also moving costs for your daughter plus buy something for grandchild . But you have hardly any teeth and think you are selfish . NO! Put yourself first and get your teeth done . You are being way too soft.

Thank you . I have never done it before I have always put them above myself so it feels odd.

OP posts:
littlestarlittlemoon · 13/05/2024 12:27

She may be able to get help from the council for moving/redecorating costs?
Getting a child's bed for free can be fairly easy, ask (anonymously) on any friendly local Facebook groups and usually someone can help.
If your DD insists on getting a brand new bed, then she needs to pay for it, she could probably get assistance with that too or buy one on credit if she doesn't have the cash.

It's important to get your teeth fixed, bone density declines with age and also if you have missing teeth for a period of time, so it's worth seeing a dentist and starting the work (they don't need all the money up-front and you pay as the treatment progresses - it sounds like you will need several treatments over a period of time).

I don't think you should be offering money you don't have. Your savings are already allocated for your dental treatments and that is much more important than new beds etc.

Your DD will be ok, you can support her in lots of other ways, through your love and care, it doesn't have to be £££.

Is your teenage son able to help contribute to the cost of the holiday? Do some odd jobs for neighbours or get a Saturday job?
I understand why you have done what you have, but it's ok to encourage your children to become financially independent from you, in fact it is good for them, even if they don't appreciate it now, they need to start realising you shouldn't be sacrificing your health and well-being for them so they can benefit from your savings.

Lipolio · 13/05/2024 12:30

I'd keep the money to fix my teeth! It's a necessity. Sometimes you need to come first.

Obviously you don't owe your kids help moving out or a holiday, but in the future I wouldn't tell her I could help her and then pull out. I'd have told her beforehand that I could only afford either the holiday or the move but not both.

NicoleSkidman · 13/05/2024 12:30

Stop paying for things that you can’t afford. The holiday is a luxury that neither of them need. You don’t need to buy a bed for your GS, people are always giving furniture away - it’s also not your responsibility.

There is nothing selfish about sorting out your teeth. That is a medical necessity.

PoppingTomorrow · 13/05/2024 12:39

Get your teeth done.

If your DD can't get anyone else to go on the holiday then you're helping her out by giving £600 for DS to go with her.

mindutopia · 13/05/2024 12:45

Can you help her in other practical ways with moving? I mean, dh and I have moved ourselves and two dc through 3 house moves and it's never costed us even £600, let alone thousands.

If teen ds is well enough to go on holiday, I suspect he's well enough to help with moving. Can you help her with tracking down a man with a van or someone with a box truck? Draft in some friends to help with the lifting. She can get moved with a little bit of pitching in and maybe max £200-300 for a self-drive truck hire. Does teen ds have some friends who'd like to make a bit of money for a couple hours work? It's absolutely doable. Then your help can be with feeding and watering everyone who comes to help. It doesn't have to cost you or her any savings if you're resourceful about it.

The decorating and new bed can wait until she's in a better financial position. We slept for 4 months on a mattress on the floor after our last move until we could afford a bed. Sometimes these things have to wait. You need to look after your own needs too.

Original poster
Toothless224 · 13/05/2024 13:00

mindutopia · 13/05/2024 12:45

Can you help her in other practical ways with moving? I mean, dh and I have moved ourselves and two dc through 3 house moves and it's never costed us even £600, let alone thousands.

If teen ds is well enough to go on holiday, I suspect he's well enough to help with moving. Can you help her with tracking down a man with a van or someone with a box truck? Draft in some friends to help with the lifting. She can get moved with a little bit of pitching in and maybe max £200-300 for a self-drive truck hire. Does teen ds have some friends who'd like to make a bit of money for a couple hours work? It's absolutely doable. Then your help can be with feeding and watering everyone who comes to help. It doesn't have to cost you or her any savings if you're resourceful about it.

The decorating and new bed can wait until she's in a better financial position. We slept for 4 months on a mattress on the floor after our last move until we could afford a bed. Sometimes these things have to wait. You need to look after your own needs too.

Edited

Yes I get where your coming from. Done if I'd drive. No friends to help etc . But we will do a man and van. Rather than a proper removal company so we can get costs down.

The reason for the bed thing was gs wants a Midsleeper . He's on the pathway for autism..one of the things that really helps him is if he can hide away in a dark ish quite place . So we wanted to get him a mid sleeper so he can have a tent under the bed sensory things etc .

But I think im going to give dd the 600 to pay for ds side of the holiday . And say the moving costs etc will have to come from that as i was not expecting that to happen .

OP posts:
Latenightreader · 13/05/2024 17:25

Look at secondhand sites for the bed. Last month I bought a midsleeper for £35 on facebook marketplace (no mattress but I had one already). I needed to collect and assemble but it saved me so much. There are a lot listed locally, definitely worth checking.

Quiteavibe · 13/05/2024 17:27

It is not selfish to have your teeth fixed if you have hardly any teeth and presumably gum disease as well- not only does this make eating, digestion and so on difficult, it will also increase your risk of heart disease. Having good teeth (don't have to be perfect or extremely white) is very important, as we age as well. Definitely keep going with your plans to fix your teeth. If it makes you feel better about yourself as well, which I'm sure it will, that's another plus but you must put your health first now and use the money for that.

Overthebow · 13/05/2024 17:29

She spent £1200 (£600 her half) whilst trying to get a council house swap which would need new furniture and a bed? Why on earth didn’t she prioritise saving that money instead of a holiday? This is on her to sort out, not you. A holiday is a luxury, a bed and teeth are not. Prioritise yourself for once.

Mumofoneandone · 13/05/2024 17:32

By all means help but only what you can genuinely afford...
There are so many products available on FB marketplace or similar that are virtually brand new...so worth looking there rather than brand new. (Maybe invest in a new mattress.....)

Dearg · 13/05/2024 17:38

what is the cost to Dd if she cancels this holiday? How much of the £1200 will she get back?

Thats where I would start. Yes it’s a shame , her first holiday etc, but the house move is more important for her and the GS , and your teeth are way more important for you.

If you can save most of the £600 holiday cost, pick up a secondhand mid sleeper, then Dd can fund the van.

But aggressive though her ex is, it’s not on for you to bear the ££ for their break up.

Bless you Op, it really is time to think of yourself.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/05/2024 17:41

Dear god get your teeth fixed. The 600 is a large unexpected amount of money to pay, especially at your income level which you said will decrease. There's sacrifice and then there's martyr.

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