Shall I tell dd I can't help with moving costs. Or am I being selfish.

[Toothless224]

So dd booked a holiday a while back. For her and her boyfriend. She recently broke up with him. She could not find anyone to go with so her teen brother has ended up going. So now i owe dd 600 pounds.

Obviously I will pay the 600 back to her. But also dd is moving home. Via a swap. And I had said I will help her with moving cost . And help get GS a new bed etc .

The thing is my income is going to change very soon. I'm going to loose around 300 a month. I have things I Need to pay of in the next couple of months or so before the interest kicks in. Plus the 600 to pay dd back.

I do have some savings just under 3 thousand. Its taken me a very long time to save this up. This is to get my teeth sorted out. I still Need to save another 2 thousand.i have been approximately 3 years with hardly any teeth. I have always put my kids first including my adult children especially if they are vulnerable/having a hard time. So the saving to sort teeth is a selfish thing that I was doing for me.

Part of me is thinking pay dd pay the 600 ASAP and tell her she will have to use that for moving expenses. Another part of me thinks I should help her like I normally would and delay the teeth thing a bit longer. But then i don't know if I will be able to save once my income changes...

She can't afford a holiday if she can't afford to move, she should cancel and just lose deposit. If your DS wants to go he should pay himself , my teen DD has job and pays for her own holiday. Agree with selling sites for mid sleeper beds, always coming up on there.
Get your teeth done love , can dentist do a payment plan? Spread the cost?

It honestly sounds like your DDD is someone who cannot budget and puts her luxuries in the forefront of her needs

Is the grandson your DD’s? Hasn’t he gone on the holiday?

would she not get anything back for cancelling? Can she postpone?

Give her the 600 and explain that you can't give her any more. You didn't need to fix her other problem of the holiday by agreeing for your ds to go. She needs to learn not to live beyond her means with no savings buffer for unforseen circumstances like her boyfriend ending the relationship. I think you should be really clear with her that in future she needs some savings before she starts spending on holidays, it's pretty irresponsible to spend every last penny of your spare money...no matter how much you want a holiday.

Thank you everyone.i have decided I'm just going to give her the 600 ASAP. And tell her it wasn't an exspense I was expecting. So I won't be able to help with moving costs . I will tell her that she will Need to pay that out of the 600. But I will help her look for something that's a good price etc .

She probably would be able to get help with moving costs from the Council.

Are you with NHS dentist? As pp said any local free dentistry services?

Why have you got involved with the holiday? She had the option of not giving ex boyfriend the money back because he had already paid it so tough, finding someone who would pay £600 and if those fail, not go. You’ve taken it on yourself to pay for your son to go when you have no spare money - dd is an adult and really should have sorted this herself. If dd has enough for a holiday, she has enough for moving house costs. I think she needs to stand on her own two feet more and not keep expecting you to bail her out

I think it's time for you to stick up for yourself and your teeth.

If you're with nhs dentist talk to them and agree price plan. They may be more helpful than you think. Don't know why dd was arranging holidays which are not affordable for her

It's not actually
As simple as that. There's domestic violence involved. She did not know this was going to happen. I did not want the holiday to mess up for her... the exchange came along only recently. This means she can exchange and her ex not know where she is . So it is worth the struggle. Affording a holiday does not mean that she can afford moving cost ie (both) but also I don't want her to miss out as she already has enough crap going on. The holiday is Saturday coming so I'm not sure she would even get anything back .

Why should the council pay for her moving costs when she’s used all her money to book a holiday?

They don't pay it anyway... so it's not an issue.

Well...I agree with that! But the money is spent and she needs to move

I assume ds is still at home and that’s why it falls to you as his parent to pay for his holiday especially as I assume it was partly your idea so as to make sure the holiday did in fact still happen.

the rest though….

im afraid I think you need to start changing your mindset about what the rules are a little. Yes of course you want to put them first but as adults they don’t necessarily always come before you in all ways.

You are their parent and obviously you want to help your children in the ways you can but your child is an adult now and has left home so she needs to start to be responsible for the costs of being an adult. You are i think on a low budget and have quite pressing needs that you are trying to save for and I think that you need to begin to prioritise yourself too now.
part of your job as a parent is to help your children to become independent that is a really tough job emotionally because you want to help your children in all ways you can but that can also be to their detriment. There are ways you can help supporting that don’t include money.

I left home at 17 no help with anything not even a spare £we if I was on my arse! and yes it can be terribly difficult sometimes but if there’s no one you manage. She will manage too except she will still have your support just in a different way.

also I think that yes you’re plan for now is fine. £600 will more than cover the costs of a move. Iv never spent anywhere near that on a house move. That way she has money in her pocket and you had already earmarked that as something you were going to pay her anyway.

I understand for any of your children still at home things will still be a bit different so I’m talking in general terms about when your children become adults obviously

Pay for the holiday, offer a contribution to moving costs and telling her you can't afford the bed now. DGS doesn't need a new bed immediately. His current one will do for now. Get your teeth done!

She should sell the holiday completly. Both tickets.

Thank you for understanding and I think your completely right. I think its because I don't want things to be hard for them. And want to do what I can . But I have probably gone to much to the other extreme.

I'm definitely just paying the 600 and that's it . I was having a look earlier and found quotes for around the 300 mark. So it should be fine.

@Toothless224 that sounds like a good plan.

I was really self conscious about my teeth until I had some dentistry work done recently and feel miles better so understand how you feel.

You have helped your children and DGS so time for you now!

Teeth are not a luxury.
Teeth are essential.
Your teeth should be a high priority.

I don't know if you can set up a payment plan with the dentist to budget for your teeth being done so you pay as you go?

I know it maybe doesn't help much but just a thought.

Have dd and ds git spending mo et for the holiday? They maybe won't realise how expensive eating out is. If it's abroad have they got their passports and health insurance etc sorted.

I can see some last minute begging for money coming along.

Honestly, I'd prob help a bit but explain why it's the last time.
And then get my teeth done.

It's all inclusive holiday . The spending money side of it has already been sorted out.

How old is DD? Surely she can cover her own moving costs. When I was first renting in London I'd move almost yearly because of rental rises - usually by begging for a lift from a friend or shelling out for a taxi, then moving all the last bits by myself on the bus. Hard work but it can be done.

Surely her son already has a bed?
If she wants a dark enclosed space for him, then she can afford a mid sleeper she can get a pop up tent very cheaply (free possibly on Facebook type places) and put a fleece over the top to block light.

Don't be daft; where is a teen going to get £600at the drop of a hat? Besides, not their choice, they are going as a favour to ensure the their sibling, who has just split with the boyfriend, to go.
OP, your daughter should cancel the holiday and get the insurance. You need to care for your own health issues because long-term, I suspect your daughter will need a ,ot of support from you.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm

Depends on the age of the teen.
Many teens where I live at working part-time from 14/15 onward.

He does have a bed. But it's not a mid sleeper. A mid sleep would work better for him than an pop up tent. There's no room for a pop up tent. With the mid sleeper he can have the tent bit under it and we can get him some sensory things. This is something that really benefits him it brings him comfort and helps with melt downs etc