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Original poster

Is there a tactful/kind way of getting a friend to stop talking about her pregnancy so much?

62 replies

FriendsDilemma · 05/05/2024 07:06

NC for anonymity etc.

Friend is first time mum to be. We work together as part of a bigger team. She is about halfway through her pregnancy and due to excitement is talking about the pregnancy/baby/etc several times a day and shoehorning mentions into conversations with the most tenuous links to the subject. It is starting to annoy several team members I think. You can see eye rolling happening and one word answers if she brings it up - this is happening upwards of 10 times a day some days.

Friend is oblivious to how people feel about it.

We work in a place where we have contact with vulnerable people who may have suffered baby and child loss in various circumstances and she is also mentioning her pregnancy to them. She is also doing this with a friend who is child free not by choice and causing upset there (friend is too nice to say anything but I know her very well and can tell the constant mention of babies is bothering her).

Is there any way to kindly clue pregnant friend in to what she is doing? She is not very in tune with other people's feelings but not in a consciously selfish way, she is just oblivious to it. Obviously do not want to cause upset or ruin her excitement but it all seems to be intensifying.

OP posts:

MariaVT65 · 05/05/2024 07:11

I would probably speak to HR or get them to deal with it tbh as you need to be incredibly careful about anything you say to her that could be classed as discrimination.

Original poster

FriendsDilemma · 05/05/2024 07:15

Thank you. The thought had crossed my mind but just don't want friend to feel attacked I guess and the HR rep that covers our department is not great.

OP posts:

Jellyx · 05/05/2024 07:18

I wonder if you can say -
''Oh I wonder if we should be more careful talking about your pregnancy in front of X (lady who is childless) as this might be sensitive for her.''

''We can focus on more neutral topics at work and maybe on our weekly coffee date you can tell me all
Things pregnancy / baby''

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NutellaEllaElla · 05/05/2024 07:20

Like fuck would I report my friend to HR for innocently being excited about her pregnancy.

In general, I wouldn't say anything to her, this is temporary and the obsessive taking about the colour of her baby's poo will be worse.

Specifically in relation to people with fertility issues or other reasons to be sensitive, I might pull her to one side and say that it might be an idea to swerve the pregnancy talk with them as it is legitimately distressing to them.

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 05/05/2024 07:21

MariaVT65 · 05/05/2024 07:11

I would probably speak to HR or get them to deal with it tbh as you need to be incredibly careful about anything you say to her that could be classed as discrimination.

Genuine question, how can finding a way to politely say to the friend that they should maybe be careful about their audience when they talk about their pregnancy discrimination? It's not like she would be actually treated differently to her peers by this request.

welshycake · 05/05/2024 07:24

Tell your manager

We work in a place where we have contact with vulnerable people who may have suffered baby and child loss in various circumstances this will be their route to deal with it

CCLCECSC · 05/05/2024 07:24

Has your manager noticed? Given your clients I'm surprised this has gone unnoticed and hasn't been nipped in the bud.

Your friend is absolutely entitled to be excited but she's crossing personal professional boundaries here and yes it needs tackling.

Original poster

FriendsDilemma · 05/05/2024 07:30

Jellyx · 05/05/2024 07:18

I wonder if you can say -
''Oh I wonder if we should be more careful talking about your pregnancy in front of X (lady who is childless) as this might be sensitive for her.''

''We can focus on more neutral topics at work and maybe on our weekly coffee date you can tell me all
Things pregnancy / baby''

I definitely think this is an approach that is more likely to be well received than anything else.

This is not solely related to her pregnancy either which does imo make it harder as it almost feels like a critique on her personality. She had another 'significant life event' (not marriage but similar in magnitude) that gave her mentionitis as well and another friend did end up slightly snapping at her about it. She took it well but I really don't want the same thing to happen again because when it's baby related I think it would cause more hurt.

OP posts:

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 05/05/2024 07:34

You are not this person's manager, so this is not your responsibility. If your friend is annoying other friends, they will tell her eventually. I would just leave her to it. She is an insensiive person, you are not going to change her.

The service users are your responsibility, at work, so this might need dealing with if you hear her doing it.

Original poster

FriendsDilemma · 05/05/2024 07:37

CCLCECSC · 05/05/2024 07:24

Has your manager noticed? Given your clients I'm surprised this has gone unnoticed and hasn't been nipped in the bud.

Your friend is absolutely entitled to be excited but she's crossing personal professional boundaries here and yes it needs tackling.

I don't think management have noticed, no. They are largely remote workers and the one who she has the most contact with (once a week usually) is a younger man who is completely useless. There is another manager who is slightly more approachable but blurs lines professionally in a number of ways and I don't have much faith that she would deal with sensitively if she did at all.

OP posts:

WittiestUsernameEver · 05/05/2024 07:41

Just be blunt and tell her to pipe down.

pictoosh · 05/05/2024 07:43

Really it's not for anyone to police her chat.

I think suggesting she is being insensitive to those who have suffered loss or infertility is outrageous actually. You can't expect her to keep quiet about something she is naturally excited about in case she upsets someone...that's not appropriate or fair at all. She may well be annoying...but that's all it is. She hasn't done anything hateful ffs.

Look...next time she starts just say, "Oh are you pregnant Janine? YOU'VE NEVER MENTIONED IT." then laugh.
The problem is her self-centeredness - not the subject matter.

IDoNotConsentToAstonResearch · 05/05/2024 07:43

When you’re alone with her say ‘tell me all about your pregnancy now as you won’t be able to talk about it in front of x / in front of clients.’

Also, ‘just a heads up, you won’t have had any way of knowing this but there’s someone in the group who has lost a baby and she finds it really hard hearing about your pregnancy.’

I mean, do it kindly, but my sympathy here is with the people who have not had an easy ride with fertility and find it hard to listen to. It’s better to be blunt and put a stop to it even if there is a bit of a risk of upsetting her, and tbh if she doesn’t have enough empathy to take it on board and not take it personally that’s on her. If I was in her position I would want to be told rather than be allowed to blunder on.

pictoosh · 05/05/2024 07:46

In short, trying to shut her up by making out she's hurting other people is rotten and a coward's way out.
Pregnant people are allowed to be excited. They are not obliged to keep it under wraps.

SHE is a pain in the arse, not her pregnancy.

CandiedPrincess · 05/05/2024 07:48

Jesus fucking Christ. People are unreal. Reporting to HR because she's excitedly talking about her pregnancy.

Rolson77 · 05/05/2024 07:50

I had 6 miscarriages before I had my son and had a couple of colleagues like this. It was annoying and I do remember finding hearing about their pregnancies boring and upsetting. But, I wouldn't have dreamed of saying anything. Not sure why. Possibly I just accepted that it's a part of life and didn't change my situation.

pictoosh · 05/05/2024 07:52

As for taking it to HR claiming she is doing something harmful.
Fucking awful. Nasty. Bullying.

Original poster

FriendsDilemma · 05/05/2024 08:02

I'm not taking it to HR for the reasons I mentioned above. I don't want her to feel attacked and the HR rep isn't great. But the thought (briefly) crossed my mind because of our clients and because I do believe this needs to somehow be handled in a way that causes the least harm.

OP posts:

MariaVT65 · 05/05/2024 08:08

To be clear, I didn’t mean ‘report her to HR’. I meant ask their advice if you really want to go down this route, before saying anything. I should have worded it better.

But as another poster has said, you are not her manager so you shouldn’t really need to deal with it.

Rolson77 · 05/05/2024 08:11

FriendsDilemma · 05/05/2024 08:02

I just don't think you can ask someone to stop talking about their pregnancy. Would you ask someone who had children to stop talking about their kids? As I said, I've been there. I've suffered multiple pregnancy losses. But I would never have asked someone to stop talking about their own pregnancy. I don't think it's right to police what people share about something joyful which is happening to them. I had to take responsibility for my own emotions and I told myself over and over that pregnancy is natural. It's how we all got here. Her pregnancy didn't change my situation. Etc. It was hard but I think also necessary. It wouldn't have been healthy for me to have expected every pregnant person around me to stop mentioning their pregnancy.

Original poster

FriendsDilemma · 05/05/2024 08:12

MariaVT65 · 05/05/2024 08:08

To be clear, I didn’t mean ‘report her to HR’. I meant ask their advice if you really want to go down this route, before saying anything. I should have worded it better.

But as another poster has said, you are not her manager so you shouldn’t really need to deal with it.

I got what you meant, thank you Maria.

I think a couple of posters have seen the mention of HR and assumed a backstory in terms of intent (both re what you said and my situation!), neither of which has been accurate!

OP posts:

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 05/05/2024 08:13

@Rolson77 I get what you're saying but I also think that it's not natural for her to expect everyone to be interested in her pregnancy. Basically it wouldn't matter what she was excited about it just seems tactless to go on about it

Rolson77 · 05/05/2024 08:15

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 05/05/2024 08:13

It is tactless but I kind of think, such is life. Maybe I'm wrong, just my experience.

daisychain01 · 05/05/2024 08:20

I would get her line manager to take her on one side and say that she needs to be aware of the company's policy on diversity and inclusion and be more sensitive to the fact there could be people in the company who may be unable to have children, may have lost a child or just doesn't have to put up with her prattling on instead of doing some work she's paid to do

DoreenonTill8 · 05/05/2024 08:22

FriendsDilemma · 05/05/2024 08:12

I got what you meant, thank you Maria.

I think a couple of posters have seen the mention of HR and assumed a backstory in terms of intent (both re what you said and my situation!), neither of which has been accurate!

Show quote history

Maybe you should speak to hr, then you can have the rule nothing personal is discussed in work. No:
Holidays
House moves
Car purchases
Home improvements
Nights/meals outs
Hobbies
Family
But yes do go and tell h.r you and colleague have been negatively discussing this woman together and also speaking to clients about her.

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