Is there a tactful/kind way of getting a friend to stop talking about her pregnancy so much?

[FriendsDilemma]

NC for anonymity etc.

Friend is first time mum to be. We work together as part of a bigger team. She is about halfway through her pregnancy and due to excitement is talking about the pregnancy/baby/etc several times a day and shoehorning mentions into conversations with the most tenuous links to the subject. It is starting to annoy several team members I think. You can see eye rolling happening and one word answers if she brings it up - this is happening upwards of 10 times a day some days.

Friend is oblivious to how people feel about it.

We work in a place where we have contact with vulnerable people who may have suffered baby and child loss in various circumstances and she is also mentioning her pregnancy to them. She is also doing this with a friend who is child free not by choice and causing upset there (friend is too nice to say anything but I know her very well and can tell the constant mention of babies is bothering her).

Is there any way to kindly clue pregnant friend in to what she is doing? She is not very in tune with other people's feelings but not in a consciously selfish way, she is just oblivious to it. Obviously do not want to cause upset or ruin her excitement but it all seems to be intensifying.

Maybe in a social situation but this woman is in the workplace so she needs to stop it.

she clearly lacks social intelligence

You've misread @DoreenonTill8. No one has been discussing her (at least not with me) and definitely nothing said to clients.

So how do you know everyone feels as you do? Are you present when she's working with her clients and observing her then? She's obviously visibly pregnant so will they not see that? It does sound like you just don't like her.

Maybe in a social situation but this woman is in the workplace so she needs to stop it.

I mean, no she doesn't. People talk about all sorts in the workplace. Should I shut my colleagues up from talking about their amazing holidays, because I can't afford one? Just smile, nod, move on with your day.

She’s not your friend, she’s your colleague. Sometimes colleagues are boring or irritating. That’s life and it’s not your business to do anything about it. Also, pregnant women aren’t responsible for making themselves invisible because some people have fertility problems, I hate that sexist expectation proliferated by the internet.

If you've read the posts you would already know this. Colleagues have changed in their interactions with her and I can see the eye rolling happening. I am indeed present when she is dealing with clients and she is actually not obviously pregnant even at 20 weeks (not all women are). You are absolutely wrong in your assessment of how I feel about her, I love her a lot and would like no one to be hurt or frustrated in this situation, pregnant friend, clients, childless friend, colleagues etc included.

That was to @DoreenonTill8

She is my friend - if she wasn't I may not care as much about her feelings. But she is and I do.

If she is your friend, then speak to her about it if you wish, very gently.

But she is an adult, it is up to her to manage her own interactions. You can't control her personality or how other people feel about it. I think you are in danger of getting too involved in her interactions with others.

Then if she's your friend, talk to her as a friend.

I think the clients are the biggest problem here for now.

Could you say something like "how is it going now you're starting to show? It must be upsetting for some of the clients, I know you wouldn't be talking about it but it must be a bit elephant in the room?". Even though you know she is mentioning it. Would she be clued in enough to take the hint?

If you're not her manager it's not your problem to solve but a nudge may be helpful. I wouldn't do more than that.

How is it sexist to ask people to have tact to understand the feelings of others? That's all this is, that just because you can, doesn't mean you always should. Lots of people on here have said those with fertility issues should not dictate people speaking about their pregnancy but I don't think it's asking too much to expect all people to have tact for each other.

Just change the subject swiftly every time she starts on about the pregnancy (or after the first couple of times maybe) and just get more overt about it if she persists.

You can do this kindly and start very gently then get more forceful and blunt only if she doesn’t take the hint.

I know this sounds a bit mean but I’ve had a colleague bang on about every aspect of their pregnancy to me and anyone else who’d listen. Like they were the first and only person to get pregnant ever. We hot desked in a small department so sometimes I had to sit near her. And also be a bit TMI too. Once she told me something about sex later on in pregnancy and I had to tell her “I really don’t want to hear that”.

I do think sometimes you should read the room a bit before blethering on about something which may not interest people or may be sensitive to.

In my case I was fine but a colleague had suffered a miscarriage which was known about and she ignored this woman because to her it felt like she was “flaunting” her pregnancy.

Her behaviour sounds self absorbed and tactless, yet you’re worried much more about her than other colleagues and the people using your organisation’s services.

Your friend’s working relationships and friendships with other colleagues aren’t your responsibility. Would do nothing about that.

If her behaviour risks negative views/reactions from the people using your services, you could raise that aspect of it with her line manager.

Disagree with posters that OP’s friend’s behaviour is OK: ‘being excited’ doesn’t justify talking excessively about yourself, especially to people you already know to have circumstances that mean the topic on repeat might bother them.

This is exactly what I had to do eventually!

But then I got unasked for health and nutrition advice plus ramming it down your throat about healthy eating whilst pregnant but taking it to extremes. Let’s just say the local Whole Foods and Holland and Barrett made lots of money off her that year.

And then if we went near a swanky ice cream place she’d want to go as it was a craving.

As your colleague is your friend I would kindly tell her that talking about her own pregnancy to clients really might not be for the best. If you regularly work with clients who have experienced pregnancy or baby loss it's surprising that you describe her as being not being very in tune with other people's feelings. Surely you need a certain level of sensitivity to do that sort of job 😬

I personally think outside work issues like relationships should stay there. Pregnancy well you can’t avoid it but really I don’t want to hear chapter and verse including intimate details of your pregnancy but will listen to be polite a few times.

Some people have no filter and think everyone wants to share their excitement. Goes for office weddings too. I was once told to organise and attend (I feigned illness) my colleague’s hen do at work plus she had her other colleague who I had to arrange it for too. No one else wanted to do it and I was a temp. Plus in government. Never again.

I hate people talking about a subject non stop. However how you can stop people from mentioning certain words I have no idea.

It's just people I guess??

The company's policy on diversity and inclusion is very unlikely to cover this

It's quite difficult to explain her. Under normal circumstances she's exceptionally good at dealing with people. Say for example we dealt with clients who need help to claim benefits (it's not that but a bit similar). She would sit with them, take however much time they need to fill the forms in, refer to the correct agencies if additional support is required and follow up with them. She is approachable, kind and knowledgeable.

I think the 'not in tune' side to her is that she finds it difficult to see how others might have a different take on life. She's always quite a positive person and if something bad was to happen her response would be to bounce back as soon as she can. She wouldn't be great at emphasising with someone who got beaten down by it. I don't think I'm explaining it well but she is definitely good at her job.

I think the 'not in tune' side to her is that she finds it difficult to see how others might have a different take on life. She's always quite a positive person and if something bad was to happen her response would be to bounce back as soon as she can. She wouldn't be great at emphasising with someone who got beaten down by it. I don't think I'm explaining it well but she is definitely good at her job.

This is a description of toxic positivity.

The more I read in this thread the more I feel you are over-invested in how this friend is perceived by others. Leave to make her own mistakes, except where it relates to clients, for whom you have a responsibility too.

How about looking at it from
The point of view if you were the one being so boring and self obsessed you would WANT to be told.

I'd just tell her I think. I do it nicely. I point out that she only talks about her pregnancy and point out that other people might not like it.

So once she is visible you seem to think she shouldn't work with clients as she'll upset/offend when she's visibly pregnant?

I think you might be right. ☹️ I just don't want the net result of all this to be that she is hurt because someone snaps at her.