Can someone talk to me about recovering from grief please?

[CapitanSandy]

I’ll try not to ramble. I’ve had 2 bereavements since December( a close family member and a colleague) Both unexpected. Alongside a stressful job helping vulnerable people.

Ive had times where I’ve been coping okay but since my colleague died I’ve been struggling. Everything has come to the surface. Low mood, loss of interest and a bit of anxiety

I’ve been signed off, I’ve started counselling and I’m starting sertraline next week. I need to feel better. While I’m happy for them it’s so hard to see family move forward while I’m mentally stuck in December.

How did your journey with grief go? Is there anything else I could do to help myself?

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

They're brilliant. There's quite a bit of info on their website that's worth a read. I'm sorry for your losses.

My Papa died 7 years ago, and I was sad for 6 months. One thing that helped me was going out, I went shopping, went to the cinema, went out for lunch/dinner, went to people's houses or had people at my house, went for walks and sometimes even just out in the garden sunbathing. I got over it after 6 months.

I would talk to Cruse Bereavement, they know a lot about bereavement and grief. I had the terrible low mood and loss of interest peaking about 18 months after a very sudden loss of a younger relative. I went to an online webinar with them which was brilliant.

It takes as long as it takes, and is very individual. I think you’re doing all that you can to help yourself. It may be that your job has placed an emotional demand on you that makes it more complicated.

Wishing you well x

I'm so sorry. I think bereavement can really be cumulative. A second death or more really staggers you on top of the first.

All the things you are doing helped.

I walked, a lot. I read poetry and for the first time I really got it, all the way down. I read books I'd dismissed. I fell in love with new bands, went to gigs. I looked at art. I went out and drank a bit more than I should. I did a lot of exercise classes.

In the end it was time and therapy that made the biggest difference.

I don't think you can force it. Just acknowledge your feelings and then keep going as best you can.

My mum died last year and a good friend as well. Not sure I have really dealt with it, just kept busy and every so often it bubbles up.

I happen to know the bloke who wrote this book, it's got some poignant poems you might connect with.

www.bigwhiteshed.co.uk/mattersoflifeanddeath

Therapy. journalling, dream journalling, drawing, talking, walking, crying, being in contact with new life in its different forms..all these plus time.

Trying to rush through and get back to normal asap is totally unproductive and will not work. There's no timetable for grief and pushing it makes it take longer and hurt worse. Grief never actually totally goes away but processing through it eventually teaches you how to get through the days without it punching you in the stomach and making you burst into tears and be unable to function. Talking helps. Finding little rituals and waymarkers can help. Getting angry and smashing things can help. You find your way.

My dad committed suicide in 2022. It floored me. I was in shock for so long. He was young. It killed me. I had to sell his house and deal with everything, so my grief was very well delayed as i was distracted by this, also went on anti depressants. Councilling wasnt working at the time as i was still in too much shock and hadnt accepted hed gone. Then a few months after he died I found out I was pregnant. I went through my pregnancy crying for the first few months but also being distracted due to still going through the process of selling his house and planning for my future baby. when she was born I grieved him all over again
I felt so guilty that the first 2 months of her being born I was upset over his death as if it just happened. I guess what I'm trying to say it that grief is hard and you sometimes have to go through the motions. There is no determining when you will feel better. One day you will just accept it, but even then your not actually 'better' you just get used to them not being there. It took me 18 months to accept it. But I still think about him everyday and sometimes daydream. All the what ifs? But the raw pain has subsided. Death is horrible and changes us forever but it does get easier to deal with I promise. So so sorry for your loss. You will get there xxx

I’m really sorry. Grief is indescribable and can feel overwhelming . It’s a normal part of life, but bloody hell it’s beyond tough. I’d say in time you begin to carry it round with you and the weight of it starts to lighten.

Cruse have an amazing reputation but I think waiting lists for individual support can be long. Don’t expect to feel ‘over it’ . Every loss is different. Accept that whatever you feel is normal and don’t set a time frame as to when you should be back to normal. There are good and bad days and then gradually more of the better times until the loss is not at the front of your mind all the time

Whatever helps you, do it. Try to get out and see people who you are comfortable around and can be yourself with. if you need a day in bed sleeping and watching trash, let yourself.

If you start to feel you just aren’t coping or are deteriorating, go back to your GP. It’s really good you’ve seen them and are getting their support and time off work. They should check on you once you start on the antidepressants. Try Cruses online resources and those of any other organisations that might be relevant.

i found it hard and almost surreal to see others moving on and living normal lives when I felt wrapped in and seperated from my pre-loss life, by an invisible veil of loss. It will get easier. Don’t feel under pressure to feel normal. You will but in your own time. And everyone experiences each loss in their own way. And there’s no right or wrong way of doing it . Look after yourself 💐.

Thank you for being so kind. I think I process things by talking but it’s hard when family all have the same pain.

How do you accept that life(and now work) will never be the same again?

I don't know how.

Have you tried writing? I wrote a lot in the year after dh died.

I wrote a couple of times immediately after in December but it always ended in tears. I could try it again. Better than everything whirling around my brain

I’m so sorry for your losses everyone❤️

Time, therapy, crying, letting it out in whatever way I could.
My life is now “before / after” and I’ve come to accept that is just the way it is for me now.
One of the things that helped me was seeing that our relationship hadn’t ended and in fact I’d deepened my connection with them in death, which sounds bizarre and stupid but there is some comfort for me in seeing that whilst they are no longer here, I can imagine what they’d say and what they’d think of things in my life. I try not to over indulge it now, but I just cry and have sad moments when I need to.

How do you accept that life(and now work) will never be the same again?

True acceptance takes time and a lot of it. It happens gradually and imperceptibly, you can't force it. Until one day you realise that life isn't the same and never will be but there is a different life that is still worth living. And while all that is happening, you just have to take it one day at a time. In the early days, one hour or one minute at a time. There will be better days (and hours and minutes) and there will be bad ones. There is no pattern to it. But the time will come when you can smile because it's a sunny day, or laugh at a joke.

You will get there.

💐

Time passes, and you learn to live with the impossible. It doesn’t go away, it’s not “ got over” but your life grows around the gaping gap. It lost my Dad when I was 18, and he was 40 and sadly some hellish losses since. Forty years now , and I still have moments. I agree too it can be a cumulative thing when another person dies.

Life continues , you won’t always feel as you do now. It will be different, but it’s the way it is.

It’s so helpful to be able to share here, you just get it! I hate the person this has turned me in to. Not resilient and unreliable.

@Gymnopedie I agree.

It's only the beginning of May and you have had 2 bereavements since December it is still early days.
Grief comes in waves.

My friend aged 29 died nearly 2 years ago and only a few months ago I had a very vivid dream that she wasn't dead and trying to catch up with her and couldn't. It knocked me sideways!

Anti depressants aren't shown to have much improvement with grief alone.
However counselling may help with speaking to someone who isn't involved. As you say that other people in the family are going through the same thing.

Take care OP

Yes the dreams!! always looking for them or trying to find them or the ones when they are healthy and everything is normal again.

How do you accept that life(and now work) will never be the same again?. I’d not try to think how you will accept it. Right now you need to just get through each day as best as you can, whatever that looks like. It’s ok to not to feel resilient or reliable. You are in survival mode . It’s normal to feel raw, vulnerable and that every little thing is a bloody great huge thing. It’s exhausting physically and mentally. We don’t expect women to feel their usual selves after giving birth. It changes women forever. And that’s understandable. Birth and death are the two most momentous parts of being human. They leave you reeling in different but profound ways. The person you are right now is deserving of gentleness and time and space to just be.

I remember walking out of the hospital after my DM died. It was around 6 am and everywhere and everyone around me seemed so normal. I wanted to shout “Don’t you understand!!!! My Mum has just died. Why are you all doing normal everyday stuff when the world has completely changed.” In hindsight it sounds so ridiculous when I type this, but the world just carrying on regardless seemed so wrong and mystifying at that moment.

Try hard not to imagine how you will ever feel normal. There will be a normal again, I promise. It will be different but you will smile and laugh and have fun and plan normal everyday things and be bored and fed up and have all the everyday feelings of life again.

You’re all so kind thank you so much for replying.

OP I'm so sorry for both of your losses.
Echoing what others say. Time, talking, crying, therapy. Acknowledging that this grief will alter you, not knowing exactly how.
Sometimes even just making and drinking a cup of tea is a win.
My dad died by suicide a year ago, and his wife died three months later despite my attempts to look after her. Her death absolutely compounded the loss even though I didn't know her as well as I would have liked.

My resting face became slack-jawed, I had absolutely no interest in anything, and a lot of the time no ability to even fake it.
Then I went a bit wild, drank too much, tried to party my way out of it. That didn't last long, probably because I'm too old to hack it.
After that I went back to the tried and trusted, death being definitely not new to me, and try now to remember that as time passes, the new version of me is appearing.
Time outdoors, is there anyone you could go for walks with?
Sorry this is a bit of an all over the place ramble. You will find a way. December is hardly any time ago, be kind to yourself. Sending love.

A quote from the loss foundation which really helped:

Grief Comes in Waves

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

I don't think you have much control in your own recovery ,you just gradually realise over the passing of time that what was so painfully shocking and raw in the beginning no longer is quite as raw and that you can function and find pleasure in things and you can be happy , and your grief exists alongside the good things but its quiet and manageable.
I'm not sure if for me 7 years after the loss of my dad that its still 'grieving' ,he is still a huge part of mine and my families life and is talked about very much ,i still think about what he would do in certain situations and how he would respond still matters to me.
I know i am changed and i think part of the process is acceptance of your own personal change, i miss him every day but what choice is there , i know he would not want us to live in a permanent state of mourning and actually i think i would soon get very bored of that ,so i just get on with it , every now and then i have a bit of a cry feel better then move on.
I am never going to stop missing him , but i do know that it does become easier to live with , the human spirit is pretty tough .
I am sorry for your loss .

Sertraline helped and reading lots of fluffy books where nothing awful happened. I think you need to think to yourself, would this person want me to grieve forever? Or would they want me to happy. Go out there and live your best life. Do it for them.