Can someone talk to me about recovering from grief please?

[CapitanSandy]

I’ll try not to ramble. I’ve had 2 bereavements since December( a close family member and a colleague) Both unexpected. Alongside a stressful job helping vulnerable people.

Ive had times where I’ve been coping okay but since my colleague died I’ve been struggling. Everything has come to the surface. Low mood, loss of interest and a bit of anxiety

I’ve been signed off, I’ve started counselling and I’m starting sertraline next week. I need to feel better. While I’m happy for them it’s so hard to see family move forward while I’m mentally stuck in December.

How did your journey with grief go? Is there anything else I could do to help myself?

Remember that grief is not linear, you might have days where you feel better followed by a few bad days- that's not regression, that simply IS grief.

DF passed almost a decade ago, there are this now that make me laugh (that would have made me cry), and yet recently I started sobbing because one of his favourite songs came on the radio.

This is beautiful thank you for sharing.

You’re all so lovely I’m so sorry you’ve all experienced loss and grief. I need to stop thinking that I’ve wrecked my life by being signed off.

With finding motivation to do things did you make yourself do them as a way of looking after yourself or did you wait until you wanted to do them naturally?

I think with grief there obviously are different levels ie losing a child v a cousin (in general).

With a close family member I'd say, in general, expect to cry randomly every day for about 2 months (including in public), then crying every day up till six months but can largely keep it private and feeling pretty awful for the whole first year. Then it just gradually improves with dips when you feel awful for feeling better. It gets better but slowly.

And I don't think there's much logic to it. I was devastated when my Dad died, even worse when my dog did and barely noticed it when my Mum did 🤷🏼‍♂️ I think your mind maybe just decides to pop things in a drawer.

You’re all so lovely I’m so sorry you’ve all experienced loss and grief. I need to stop thinking that I’ve wrecked my life by being signed off

Goodness no you’ve not wrecked your life getting signed off work. If this was a physical thing - surgery, illness, maternity etc - it’s expected you will need to be off work. Bereavement should be no different. And each bereavement is different. I could have returned to work after a month when my DF died. After my DM not a chance I’d have been safe or effective in my workplace.

With motivation if it felt possible to force myself to do something, I’d do it. Usually I was really glad I had, even though the process of getting ready and organised was exhausting. Some days I just thought nope I can’t, and allowed myself to have a day or two at home just watching junk and doing the absolutely necessities only. I’d say if you feel you are starting to isolate and can’t get any motivation at all, to get some support. I think it’s normal up to a point but if it carries on can be a sign of depression worsening. I think for everyone it’s totally different. I’d say if you can do something, no matter how small, then go for it.

I found that physical things helped a little, nice baths, being in nature, enjoying sunshine. Swimming helped,you can cry in the pool 😁

I lost my Dad very suddenly from cancer - diagnosis/illness to death in under 5 months, and boy was that a rollercoaster.

I had counselling via the hospice and I needed to be able to offload to someone that I couldn't say it to in real life without worrying someone or them trying to fix it ..mainly how angry and scared i was. It's been 14 months and I'm slowly ebbing back towards the person I used to be. Grief is a journey, not a destination and there is no peace or happy ever after at the end of it - just quiet and calm acceptance I think, and the odd roar of anger at the unfairness of it all.

I think I learned that if you don't take care of yourself, no else can do it for you if that makes sense

I had to force myself because I had two young children, so still had to get up and go to the park or for a walk or a swim. It does help to make the effort to wash and dress and get a bit of fresh air most days.

And I think you know, getting out and about helps you to process things. Seeing the sunflowers they loved, visiting that supermarket you used to shop in together, sitting on the park bench you would have stopped and taken a rest on and thinking of them. It's hard, immersing yourself in grief, and you won't always feel up to it, and some places might be a hard no, but going about life is the best way to heal.

It's very early days - try not to feel you have to rush forwards. Cruse are amazing, as others have recommended. There's a book by Virginia Ironside that helped me a bit (when nothing else was reaching me at all). Julia Samuels is also very good on Instagram.

It's so scary to think that things can't be the same - they will be different but the love and the connection to that person are not gone, and time with them will always be part of who you are.

Some things I made myself do (if other people were affected). Some things I waited. Some things became unimportant and never got done, and that turned out OK.

Talk to Cruse - they will give you a space to feel whatever you need, without any need to worry or compare against what other family or colleagues might experience.

There's no rule book nor timescale for grief. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other until the shock and pain starts to ease. My mum died just over a year ago. I was doing okay until mother's day and the anniversary of her death hit me like a ten ton truck.

However, getting those firsts out of the way has been a good thing. I'm getting better and gradually getting my spark back. Energy levels still aren't what they were, but I know it is going to continue to get better. I also know that there'll be times where it does hit me again.

The best thing you can do is to just go with it. Be gentle and kind to yourself, and do what comforts you. I have some clothes of hers that I wear and also some bedding, and I feel that she gives me a hug through them.

I talk to her photo every day.

I don't think you ever do recover, you learn to live with it. I lost somebody very dear to me just over a year ago. I remeber the cry when I heard, it was almost savage, a desprate wail from deep inside me.

I cried nearly every day for a good six months. I'd keep it all in at work then put my sunglasses on walking home and just sob.

Then I wasn't crying every day.

I had put photos away as it was too painful, then I took the photos out, not on display but I did look at them when feeling stronger.

Every so often it will just hit me and I'll gasp with the memory, and the knpwledge I'll never see them again, never hug them. That is hard.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and everybody on here talking about their grief.

Time. Time works.
Do not hurry as you walk with griefIt does not help the journeyWalk slowly, pausing oftenDo not hurry as you walk with griefBe not disturbed by memoriesthat come unbiddenSwiftly forgive and letUnspoken words, unfinished conversationsbe resolved in your memoriesBe not disturbedBe gentle with the one who walks with griefIf it is you, be gentle with yourselfSwiftly forgive, walk slowly,Pause often,Take timeBe gentle as you walk with grief

Oh that poem did not paste well!

Do not hurry as you walk with grief
It does not help the journey

Walk slowly, pausing often

Do not hurry as you walk with grief
Be not disturbed by memories
that come unbidden
Swiftly forgive and let
Unspoken words, unfinished conversations
be resolved in your memories

Be not disturbed
Be gentle with the one who walks with grief

If it is you, be gentle with yourself
Swiftly forgive, walk slowly,
Pause often,
Take time

Be gentle as you walk with grief

Acknowledging that you need to guide yourself through a grieving process is a really important first step.

I dashed through losing someone, not really grieving at all, just desperate to get to the other side, and had many issues as a result that lasted decades.

Deal with the emotions of each day as they come. Be kind to yourself. Keep on keeping on.

Hi OP .Grief hits everyone so differently. My Mum died 10 years this month. I cannot believe how shocked I was when she died. Now as the years have moved on,I am thankful that she died with dignity intact.Xx

When I lost my husband I used to cry for hours, until I actually vomited from weeping. I didn't sleep or eat, I just cried. Then I realised that I wasn't crying for him any longer, I was crying for me and that wasn't acceptable, it felt sort of self indulgent somehow. I only really started to heal when I accepted that the pain was now a part of me forever. It's nearly 50 years ago, I re married eventually and have wonderful children and grandchildren. The vivid dreams are rare these days but just occasionally they still happen, I still miss him but I accept that.

How do you accept that life(and now work) will never be the same again?

Honestly? I'm not there yet. I can acknowledge it as the truth, but my sense is that it will take a long time for me to truly make peace with my new (unwanted) reality.

The single most helpful thing for me has been talk therapy. I cried through the first session but it was such a relief to just openly grieve without having to put on my "I'm fine, handling everything OK" act.

Other than therapy...long brisk walks, "fluffy" reading, nostalgic television programs and spending time with people that I find positive and uplifting are helpful. Now is not the time for me to invite negativity into my life in the form of difficult or needy people, so I avoid that as much as possible (and don't feel guilty about it).

I'm reminded of that saying: "The only way forward is through". We will all get to the other side of this, though our individual journeys will look different.

Wishing all of you Peace.

I dashed through losing someone, not really grieving at all, just desperate to get to the other side, and had many issues as a result that lasted decades

@SkipperLia This is something the therapist emphasized - don't give in to the temptation to attempt to avoid feeling the pain. It will just prolong the inevitable. Good insight on your part!

Another mention for Cruse or Cruse Scotland.

As well as scheduling a course of sessions, Cruse Scotland also have a chat facility I have found very helpful.

Thank you for helping me less alone. Taking it one day at a time for now.

This is interesting I never thought of it that way. I can see how that would help. To be honest it’s pretty much the opposite of what I’ve been doing. I need to start looking after myself

Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes

And I think you know, getting out and about helps you to process things. Seeing the sunflowers they loved, visiting that supermarket you used to shop in together, sitting on the park bench you would have stopped and taken a rest on and thinking of them. It's hard, immersing yourself in grief, and you won't always feel up to it, and some places might be a hard no, but going about life is the best way to heal.

Id add the caveat not to make yourself do things like this if it feels too painful. I couldn’t even look at the hospital building and the square opposite where we took my mum, because these places were linked to traumatic memories. It took me several years to be able to see these places, and I still don’t linger. Other places my DBs and I walked around before we went to visit her, I could go to relatively soon after DMs death because although it’s linked to this time, it’s not in an way that is too awful to remember, it’s no longer somewhere I’d choose to go place to go, I can still enjoy it if someone suggests going. If something will be too upsetting or difficult, I’d say don’t go unless you need to. It will get easier in time, but so soon after, some things might be overwhelming rather than helpful. Follow your gut.

Yes absolutely, every day is different and some days you feel stronger than others. There will be reminders every time you step foot out in the world and it's hard, there's no doubt. But it's harder to hide away and get mired in a bog of grief that you have to pull yourself out from. Going back to normal life hurts and feels like a betrayal. But it helps.

'This is interesting I never thought of it that way. I can see how that would help. To be honest it’s pretty much the opposite of what I’ve been doing. I need to start looking after myself'

I reacted like you did when my dad died. I raged and cried and fought against it. I'd shut myself away and try to ignore the pain. I'd avoid anyone or anything that reminded me of him. It was awful, really awful and the hurt lingered for years. I tried to push him out of my heart but it's not like a break up, it doesn't work that way.

When my mum died a decade later I immediately started to revisit places she'd loved, watch videos of her, remember the happy times and it made things much easier on me. I feel closer to her in death than I feel to my dad and I think that's a result of how I dealt with their deaths.

I remember going into a shopping centre to buy tights for mum’s funeral. It was the first time I had stepped out of the family bubble. I felt that everyone was looking a me because of the way I was walking, like I was sort of floating among them, not really there at all. And the shock of realizing that life goes on ,despite the fact that yours has altered forever.
Time and acceptance is what makes a difference and surrounding yourself with kind people.