Wording on a gravestone.

[Mellyisatwat]

Sorry if this is long.

My mum died 35 years ago now, when I was a child. She was buried in a double plot grave as she wanted my dad buried with her (he didn’t want that, he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes interred at the church where all his family are buried).

She never had a gravestone. She was much younger than my dad, with a far better job, when she died, my dad was up shit creek to keep a roof over our heads, basically, so he could never justify the money on a headstone, it was very tough for him money wise.

My mother had 3 children from a previous marriage. All around 15 years + older than me, all very well off through personal gains and the fact their dad is very, very rich.

They always baulked at the idea of paying for a headstone themselves (even though they used to laugh it was “pocket money”) as they didn’t want to pay for something that might have my dads name on it one day, basically.

They aren’t good people, I have had no contact for 20 years now.

My dad died in January. He only has his home and it had to be sold for care, and he died leaving a few thousand pounds.

I had a direct cremation for him as it was all we could afford but will have his ashes interred at the place he wanted later this year, the vicar is going to do a little service as the direct cremation was fucking horrible and completely soulless, to be frank.

I want to finally buy my mum a headstone with some of the money he left.

It won’t actually be a stand up stone, I can’t afford one of those along with the fees the cemetery charge just for having one there, it will be just a little square one on the ground, but at least it’s something, finally after all these years of an unmarked grave.

I want her name on it, but I also want “beloved wife of XXXX” on it. My parents adored each other and I think she would want that.

I mean, I can do what ever I like with it. my dad was the registered owner of the grave, I am the only executor and the only person named in his will, so now, I own it. I have no other family.

But I am scared it will open a can of worms. they have tried to contact me via sending emails to my ex husband over the years, saying some really vile things, which of course he has revelled in telling me about and he replies to them, cruel bastard. He says he’s just said he will ask me if I want to talk to them, but he hates me, so I don’t trust him.

I am just worried they will go to the grave, see his name, or even just the stone and they will try to contact me again.

So?

You have no relationship with these people, bar sharing one parent. They don't communicate with you, so you put what you want on your Mum's gravestone and get on with your life.
If they want to determine what it says, they should have done it themselves. They've had decades.

Agh, I’ve reported this and asked it to be moved to chat instead.

You do what you want. They can fuck off. Practice saying it.

Put what you want. What are the chances they’ll even see it? If they do, they can’t do anything about it so if they get nasty tell them to get stuffed.

Do they even have to know?

Why would they go there? She isn’t relevant to them, they won’t know what you spend your money on, and won’t know when you do it. They’d have to pop in regularly to check, which I doubt they do.

You will be able to be buried there, if you want.

What’s more important, your understandable desire to commemorate your mother, or what some unpleasant family members might think of it?

Block ignore block ignore ad nauseaum

They do go to the grave. I don’t know
how often, but my dad used to say he found cards from them there.

It’s just the fact that they contact my ex and he loves it. They hate me, he hates me. I’ve told him not to respond or to block them (they have no contact details for me, they don’t even know my married name or where I live, unless ex has told them, of course), but he just laughs and says it’s all karma for leaving him.

They did some extraordinarily nasty things to me and my dad over the years, I just don’t trust them.

Do they visit her grave? IMO if they aren't going to contribute then they don't get a say.

However, how about "beloved wife and mother" as that will be for both you and your dad (and also ambiguous enough that the others can't really complain).

As an aside- (The stone will be about £1500, the church fee about £150. That goes towards all the maintenance in perpetuity- checking it’s safe and stable, mowing etc.
Graveyard maintenance cripples churches, as do trees and roofs! )

This is a good idea. Wipes all the worry away.

Do you need to stay in touch with your ex?

I missed that they were her children, sorry.

What about
‘much loved mum and wife’
‘dearly loved and missed by her family’

I missed that they were her children, sorry.

What about
‘much loved mum and wife’
‘dearly loved and missed by her family’

I think it's wise to be prepared for drama, even if it never materialises.

Personally I'd say something like, 'You had 35 years to put your hand in your pocket for a gravestone for mum, you didn't bother. I've done it now with my dad's money, so I've chosen the wording they both would have liked. Them's the breaks you cunts'

Have it ready, even if you never have to say it. Stonewall/ignore if you can.

No, our son is in his 20s but my ex always finds a way to be a wanker, put it that way.

The last time they contacted him he wrote to me to tell me. Obviously, he knows where I live, Ds lives with me.

I called him to tell him to stop engaging with them and to block them.

I kind of want my dads name there though. it just feels right that way?

When I get his stone for his cremation plot, I will have my mums name on that.

It just feels right to me, them having that link to each other on their stones.

plus, having to buy two in the same year, I’m having to scrimp to afford it.

First name, last name, year of birth and death and beloved wife of first name take to the letter limit.

I'm sorry for your losses.

You're going to have to make a decision.

If it means so much to you to have the name on it, you risk opening the can of worms as you say.

Or you don't.

From the sounds of it, you don't owe them anything, as long as you are legally watertight, then go for it.

Convention would suggest that you if you are naming your Dad, you would also name the children "wife of xx, mum to 1, 2, 3 and Melly" but you probably don't want that. How would your mum have wanted to be remembered?

It's also very normal NOT to name anyone, as pp have said "beloved wife and mother".

Put what you want. You are going to the effort and cost to do this for your mum so it’s your call. It’s not like they will be visiting the grave is it?

slight aside - my idiot brother was charged with sorting out mums headstone (well getting dads updated).

It took him a year to get his arse in gear and put on a scmaltzy quote (rather than the very short and sweet phrase they’d use on each others birthday, valentine etc cards every year since they got engaged) was grammatically wrong (and from a family of pedants, we joked that dad would rise from the grave with a chisel to correct it).

The do visit the grave. My dad often found cards on the grave from them.

Like I said, what I want takes me to the letter limit and it’s only a small stone for £500 (I think it’s a foot and a half by a foot and a half).

And no, they have nothing to do with the actual grave. My dad paid for it, and now he’s gone, everything was left to me, so I would be the owner of the plot.

Oh man, grammatical errors is something I would do 🤣

And also, my petty side is coming out in the fact that they could have easily afforded something in 35 years. But they chose to make my dad feel like a piece of shit for not buying one (he was nearing retirement age with a young child), and wouldn’t do it themselves as he might have his name on it one day.

So it’s mainly as my mum loved him so much, I know she would have wanted his name on there, and partly as a fuck you, I’ve paid for it, his name is on it. Which I know is pretty childish.

No one here is saying don't put your dad's name on it for any other reason than to help you avoid what you yourself have said you are worried about. Do it, they can fuck off.