Wording on a gravestone.

[Mellyisatwat]

Sorry if this is long.

My mum died 35 years ago now, when I was a child. She was buried in a double plot grave as she wanted my dad buried with her (he didn’t want that, he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes interred at the church where all his family are buried).

She never had a gravestone. She was much younger than my dad, with a far better job, when she died, my dad was up shit creek to keep a roof over our heads, basically, so he could never justify the money on a headstone, it was very tough for him money wise.

My mother had 3 children from a previous marriage. All around 15 years + older than me, all very well off through personal gains and the fact their dad is very, very rich.

They always baulked at the idea of paying for a headstone themselves (even though they used to laugh it was “pocket money”) as they didn’t want to pay for something that might have my dads name on it one day, basically.

They aren’t good people, I have had no contact for 20 years now.

My dad died in January. He only has his home and it had to be sold for care, and he died leaving a few thousand pounds.

I had a direct cremation for him as it was all we could afford but will have his ashes interred at the place he wanted later this year, the vicar is going to do a little service as the direct cremation was fucking horrible and completely soulless, to be frank.

I want to finally buy my mum a headstone with some of the money he left.

It won’t actually be a stand up stone, I can’t afford one of those along with the fees the cemetery charge just for having one there, it will be just a little square one on the ground, but at least it’s something, finally after all these years of an unmarked grave.

I want her name on it, but I also want “beloved wife of XXXX” on it. My parents adored each other and I think she would want that.

I mean, I can do what ever I like with it. my dad was the registered owner of the grave, I am the only executor and the only person named in his will, so now, I own it. I have no other family.

But I am scared it will open a can of worms. they have tried to contact me via sending emails to my ex husband over the years, saying some really vile things, which of course he has revelled in telling me about and he replies to them, cruel bastard. He says he’s just said he will ask me if I want to talk to them, but he hates me, so I don’t trust him.

I am just worried they will go to the grave, see his name, or even just the stone and they will try to contact me again.

I’ve only engaged once which was the last time. It was pretty horrific that time.

He’s not making it up at all. He wouldn’t know about most of the details they are saying. I didn’t know some of it, names etc, until my dad went into a home and I found old letters in his belongings.

He’s been blocked for years. Which is why he sent it to me by post. I can’t hide where I live, ds lives here. Although thankfully, it’s about 400 miles away from ex.

Because it always upset my dad so much that she didn’t have one. He used to make a wooden cross every few years. He never had any money to do it. It was one of the only things he still talked about when he had dementia.

I know he’s dead and he won’t know. But it’s something that I can do for him.

She always knew he wanted to be cremated. But she was Catholic and didn’t agree with cremation. He bought the double plot but always said where he wanted his ashes to go, he left me very detailed written instructions too.

Do they ever visit the grave? Are flowers left there to indicate they go? Regardless, just do it and write what you want and if they contact you tell them to fuck off.

Sorry to read what you have to cope with. I agree with the person who suggested beloved wife and mother.

Yes, my dad would find cards annd flowers after her birthday, Mother’s Day and christmas from them each year.

Put one there and if anything is said, tell them your df paid and ordered it before he died maybe?

Although I don't know what the rights are if they decide to pull it down, so you might like to check that before you spend money out.

They wouldn’t be able to do anything. I own the plot, my father left me everything. They have no rights over the grave at all, they wouldn’t have even been able to do anything themselves, only the legal owner can put a stone on.

The stonemasons apply to the cemetery who check it’s the legal owner, if it’s not, the refuse permission.

(They still could have paid for one in the last three decades though if they wanted to, my dad would have let them put one up for her).

In that case go ahead. Tell them he'd ordered it before he died or left money in his will and the executor (if it isn't you) did it.

@MellyisatwatMy dh is of the opinion that I should put beloved wife of X.

He said all he ever heard from my dad over the years was how much he loved my mum, how clever and beautiful she was, even when he was in the depths of dementia, the only thing that made him smile was a photo of my mum. thinks having each others names on their stones would be what they would have both wanted. He said it’s what he would want one day, husband of my name, he feels it’s just a lovely thing to have. But

He’s a bit harder than me though. His reasoning is, what are they actually going to do? If they try and track me down, harass me in anyway, I could report them for it. He says ex is just a jealous twat and he’s always just rolled his eyes at his antics anyway.

He’s said, “you own the plot. You do what you think your parents would want.”

He's absolutely right!
And he's not 'harder' than you - he's just being not as 'emotional' as you. And not frightened of people who are trying to manipulate you.

Honestly. OP, don't let anyone hold you to ransom with stupid threats.
You know what you really want to do, and it sounds perfect - so please do it!

And FFS, tell anyone who thinks they have a say in the matter, contrary to what you want to do - because you know it's right, that they don't!

Because they have their own agenda - to upset you and frighten you. Whereas you want to respect the memory of people you love!

* edited for spelling - I hate spelling mistakes 🫣😭* 😂

This might sound a bit mad and I have no idea if it’s even possible. But could you get a special message about your dad engraved on the underside of the stone. Something only you know about, a message on the side ‘closest’ to your mum.

You’d get extra satisfaction knowing those fuckers would have no idea.