Wording on a gravestone.

[Mellyisatwat]

Sorry if this is long.

My mum died 35 years ago now, when I was a child. She was buried in a double plot grave as she wanted my dad buried with her (he didn’t want that, he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes interred at the church where all his family are buried).

She never had a gravestone. She was much younger than my dad, with a far better job, when she died, my dad was up shit creek to keep a roof over our heads, basically, so he could never justify the money on a headstone, it was very tough for him money wise.

My mother had 3 children from a previous marriage. All around 15 years + older than me, all very well off through personal gains and the fact their dad is very, very rich.

They always baulked at the idea of paying for a headstone themselves (even though they used to laugh it was “pocket money”) as they didn’t want to pay for something that might have my dads name on it one day, basically.

They aren’t good people, I have had no contact for 20 years now.

My dad died in January. He only has his home and it had to be sold for care, and he died leaving a few thousand pounds.

I had a direct cremation for him as it was all we could afford but will have his ashes interred at the place he wanted later this year, the vicar is going to do a little service as the direct cremation was fucking horrible and completely soulless, to be frank.

I want to finally buy my mum a headstone with some of the money he left.

It won’t actually be a stand up stone, I can’t afford one of those along with the fees the cemetery charge just for having one there, it will be just a little square one on the ground, but at least it’s something, finally after all these years of an unmarked grave.

I want her name on it, but I also want “beloved wife of XXXX” on it. My parents adored each other and I think she would want that.

I mean, I can do what ever I like with it. my dad was the registered owner of the grave, I am the only executor and the only person named in his will, so now, I own it. I have no other family.

But I am scared it will open a can of worms. they have tried to contact me via sending emails to my ex husband over the years, saying some really vile things, which of course he has revelled in telling me about and he replies to them, cruel bastard. He says he’s just said he will ask me if I want to talk to them, but he hates me, so I don’t trust him.

I am just worried they will go to the grave, see his name, or even just the stone and they will try to contact me again.

It’s totally your choice then. You get to choose whether you’d rather do what you want, annoy them and put up with any resulting grief.

Personally I wouldn’t because life is too short to seek extra stress. Your dad also chose not to be interred there.

You could have ‘beloved husband of’ on his.

You could leave the stones completely for when you feel a little more flush- especially as Dad’s can’t go on for a year to allow for settlement, and mum’s has been without for a while.

You could have a plaque on a bench with ‘in memory of Jean and John, devoted couple, and Jodie’s much missed parents.’

Your parish council or church may well have that facility. A local stately house has a memorial wall with that facility. Lots of parks do.

I’m sorry for your losses, OP, you must have lots of sadness about this.

Only you and your DS matter now. Any letters from ex, burn them. Don’t let him in your head. Ask DS not to pass messages on etc.

Oh, I know. I’m very grateful to everyone’s advice.

At the end of the day, I now own the plot. But I know what they are like.

I think any stone is going to make them contact my ex again. Or contact the cemetery and ask who put it there (I’m sure data protection would mean they couldn’t give details, but it’s at the back of my mind).

I already paid to changed ownership of the plot and they have seen his will, so it’s all in my name now.

Commemorate them elsewhere then. Bench with a plaque with your wording, in a peaceful spot they both loved. Don't tell anyone else about it, do it for yourself, and say what you want without anxiety.

Or deal with the spite and pettiness from your ex and the others for what may be the rest of your life.

I'd choose the first option myself.

Out of interest how old are your siblings now? If you haven’t had contact in over 20 years, your ex could be lying and communication and maybe ask your son to have a word with his dad, Your his mum he has a right in his 20’s to say please stop upsetting my mum and be an adult, it would be easier for him to do it now before he has occasions were you both want to attend.

l think do what you want, who cares about them anyway.

No, he’s not lying. Not with the things he’s said they have said which he wouldn’t have known about.

I’m 44, they will be early to mid 60s now.

my son thinks the sun shines out of his dads arse. his dads wife didn’t feel comfortable having me at ds graduation, so Ds invited them, not me. I’ve made my peace with it all though. We split when ds was very young and all ex and his family did was badmouth me. So i understand and I won’t let it ruin how I feel about ds. Life’s too short.

I’ve never once retaliated or said a word, I’ve just got on with my life.

Your Mum's name, Beloved wife and mother, date of her birth and death is perfect. Go ahead and commemorate your Mum. You now own that plot of land she is buried in, not your half sibling. Don't let them bully you OP. Bad luck if they don't like it. They should have bought a stone when they were offered.

It's unlikely they will visit the grave so go ahead and do as you wish.

Put whatever you want on the stone. You own the plot, you're paying for the stone, it's for you to decide and you know what was important to your mum.

As for your ex, next time he gets in touch with you about your siblings, just say something like "you don't need to bother passing these messages on, I'm just not interested in them". He's doing it to annoy you, don't give him the reaction he's looking for.

That’s what I did last time. I have never reacted at all before.

The last time, he told me something they had said that was particularly vile (relating to something he wouldn’t have known about), so that’s when I called him, and very calmly told him to block them, or don’t respond, I want no contact and it’s nothing to do with him.

”But they are ds aunties and uncles” is what I got back, along with a lot of laughter and him saying how much he enjoys it and how he wants me to suffer.

Honestly, we split up 18 years ago. It’s sad as fuck that he’s not moved on, especially as he has another family now. I am obviously far more interested in the lives of my now dh, younger children and inlaws to give a shit about anyone my ex is related to, so I thinks it’s pretty tragic to be honest, as was his wife not feeling comfortable with me at ds graduation am trying to cause a huge fuss - they didn’t get what they wanted, which was me upset, I told ds it was fine, don’t worry, you can invite who you wish, if it’s not me, we will celebrate another day. I think they were hoping I’d be crying and wailing and causing a scene, they have been trying to goad me for years and I never react.

You own the plot, you're a grown woman with agency and you should do what you want rather than letting estranged siblings and an ex husband rule the show.

You can't live your life based on what their reaction is going to be to your actions, I'd go no contact with all of them, especially your exH now your son is 20, there is really no need to be calling him telling him to do anything.

Ignore the lot of them and do what you want.

But you can't tell him to block them or not respond. That's giving him a reaction, he knows you are annoyed.
Who he engages with is up to him. If he's using the argument that they are your son's aunties and uncles then tell him to pass the messages on to him instead (I bet he won't!) as your son is in his 20s now and more than old enough to manage himself if he wants a relationship with his aunties and uncles.
In fact, you could block your ex. Do you have any reason to need contact with him? Your son is an adult.

My son never met them, he couldn’t even tell you their names.

And I won’t ever respond again. I called and asked him not to respond, he replied like a dick. It’s the first time I’ve ever said anything, but that time, they made a pretty horrific accusation which could have had awful consequences for me and enough was enough for me.

He is blocked. Which is why he wrote it in a letter to me (with a print out of their email). Address was printed so I didn’t recognise writing on an envelope.

My dh is of the opinion that I should put beloved wife of X.

He said all he ever heard from my dad over the years was how much he loved my mum, how clever and beautiful she was, even when he was in the depths of dementia, the only thing that made him smile was a photo of my mum. thinks having each others names on their stones would be what they would have both wanted. He said it’s what he would want one day, husband of my name, he feels it’s just a lovely thing to have. But

He’s a bit harder than me though. His reasoning is, what are they actually going to do? If they try and track me down, harass me in anyway, I could report them for it. He says ex is just a jealous twat and he’s always just rolled his eyes at his antics anyway.

He’s said, “you own the plot. You do what you think
your parents would want.”

The fact you have no contact for 20 years makes me wonder if they are more mature now. In your position I would be tempted to write to them saying that your father passed away and you are arranging a tablet to be put on your mums grave, if they would like be involved get in touch. I don't think you can necessarily assume that people will be the same 20 years later

Oh god no.

The vile emails have been as recent as last year. They haven’t changed.

If I contacted them saying he was dead, they would probably laugh about it and be awful.

They were in their 40s last time I saw them, they weren’t young.

I wouldn’t know where they are or how to contact anyway. They emailed ex h, not me.

No advice but I feel you OP. Similar situation with my dad - stepmom is not wanting to pay for a gravestone (despite inheriting all his money and not sharing anything of his with his kids- whole other issue) one day I will do as you have and put my own stone for him. After so many years passing they can't object surely

Honestly, fuck them. They've had 35 years to do something. Do what you want.

So sorry for your los OP.
Deaths bring out the absolute worst in people. Your idea sounds lovely. And how lovely of the vicar to offer to do a special dedication for you. I hope it goes really well. Reminds me of the lovely lady who took my gran's funeral. She has supported me ever since and told me to come in on the anniversary of her death and we lit a candle and prayed for her.

What they can do…
I’m really sorry, but be aware they could behave badly at the grave. There’s no security in churchyards.

There was an awful case a while back, which I won’t detail. They may respect it as their mum’s grave. But they may not.

I can't say I really understand why you want a headstone, it's not like your mum or dad know it's there do they? So it's purely for you as the surviving relative. But if it's really important to you then go ahead.

However I agree with @AGlinnerOfHope that you need to be prepared they might do something awful, like cover up your fathers name or even deface it. Which they sound capable of. So maybe think through first if you really do want to go ahead, as surely seeing something like that would be more distressing than no headstone at all?

I also think you need to tell your son what your ex did, sending you that email and then laughing. You aren't doing him any favours being a saint and not letting him see what his father is like. You don't have to slag ex off, just tell DS the facts.

Do what you want with the grave and headstone. But be prepared for any drama from these frankly horrible people. At the same time, know you’ve done the right thing for your mum. That’s the important thing.

As for your ex, stop engaging. Stop reacting to what he tells you: is he even telling the truth at this point? He might be making up any old shite and they’re not really still contacting him anymore. He might just like winding you up. Don’t react/reply to him. Block him. Ask your son to not tell you anything either, if he’s likely to.

@Mellyisatwat tell them to get fucked and 1000% get your mum a headstone with something lovely written on it.
Really sad she wanted to be buried with him but he didn't
My mum died 4 years ago and we went back and forth for a while before deciding on wording

Either write what you want or keep it neutral, for example: In loving memory, your mum's name, and date of birth and death. If you leave a space at the bottom you can always get something added later.