How to say no without looking boring/rude?

[Nogodsnomasters]

I have an old friendship group, we used to be very close but now as more kids have come along over the years and COVID lockdowns etc we're now more like acquaintances. On Facebook I see one or two of the group still go out together from time to time but not the entire group.

One girl has just made a group chat for us all for the first time in about 3 years and started it with "Hello strangers! Can we all get together for a girl's night out please?"

I no longer drink alcohol or even carbonated drinks due to developing GERD. My mental health isn't the best and I'm in counselling, my sleep is shit and I'm always exhausted, I also now have IBS. I haven't had a "girls night out" in 7 months, wouldn't step foot in a night club and haven't since pre covid as I just feel too old and frumpy and tired for it all now. Don't really enjoy sitting in a pub that isn't for a meal as there's nothing I can really order to drink other than water which then gets funny looks and comments "oh just have a drink, come on don't be boring!"

Basically I don't want to go, But I don't want to appear rude or boring (which I basically am, I'd rather be home with my kids reading a book or watching a film). What can I say in this group chat?

“Thanks for asking. Unfortunately I have some ongoing health issues at the moment, nothing serious but I’m not up for a night out. Maybe next time”

I'm sorry but things are a bit hectic for me at the moment. All of you have a good time, look forward to hearing about it!

Jump straight in and say you’d love to do lunch and catch up one afternoon but you’re defo not up for night time shenanigans as you don’t drink any more. See what happens.

These are all great thank you. I don't really want to say about it being health related as I don't want to share my personal business but maybe I might have to to avoid the "ah don't be a boring sod!" Comments. I know people don't mean anything by those type comments but I hate hearing what I already know - that I am not much fun anymore, well not in that scenario. My kids think I'm fun and that's means more lol.

Are you sure you wouldn’t enjoy even going for a wee while? I know you have a lot going on, but sometimes it’s good to get out of your routine.

*please don’t think I’m preaching. I’m going by myself 😂 Sometimes I need a shove

I'd probably enjoy a group dinner as I can drive and use that as a reason for not drinking and no one looks at you weird for ordering water in a restaurant but a pub they do. I can also be home by 9.30 that way. I'm just so sleep deprived on the regular (I wake up frequently and for long periods) but my eyes are usually rolling by 10.30 so I don't want to be sat there with my water yawning.

I can't make it this time.

No need to say why, invent anything or cause any drama.

Personally I’d be honest -
everything you’ve told
us! Do you think you’d enjoy catching up with some of them in another way?

I think it’s fine to post something like “no pubs for me, too sleep deprived for that, but I’m up for dinner or lunch out one day!”. I bet other people would agree. But I do also think it is sometimes good to push yourself to do social things. It can be a tonic and it’s easy to fall into a homebody rut and lose a bit of yourself in the process.

You can't very well make excuses and say you can't make it when you don't even know when or where it is.

Say how great to hear from you, what a good idea. Then once you find out the date you reply saying "Oh rats, what a shame, won't be able to make it this time, but so lovely to hear from you and hope to see you soon".

Have other people replied yet? For now I’d probably just stay quiet and bide your time a bit rather than rushing in to say no.

In that case why not suggest a group dinner instead?

Do you still want to see them, just not go on a night out?

If so, i would just say that and suggest an alternative. They could still do the night out without you.

If you’re not too fussed about seeing them at all, then just say you dont fancy it. It’s not rude to say that in a polite way. And if they think you’re boring, so what?

As PPs have said, say no but suggest something more your speed. I have a policy than unless it's really undesirable/impossible, say 'no, but....' rather than 'no'. That way you seem positive, make it clear you want to see people but just can't do that.

I second a meal out. I feel like you but do enjoy a good chinwag. We meet up in the pub at 7pm - can't drink, sorry, I'm driving - and I leave at about 9.30 and am home by 10pm. I think you'll find a lot of people feel the same these days. I buy a lime cordial with water - don't know if that would be an option for you?
The other thing you might think about is inviting them to yours for e.g a curry. You might not get them to leave before 11pm but at least you can go straight to bed afterwards.

I think you're reading too much in to it. This woman just probably wants to be back in touch with her friends, maybe she's a bit lonely - good for her for making the effort to reach out. A girls night out to me is just shorthand for meeting up - I'd go straight back with something like 'sounds great can anyone do dinner soon? I'm not quite ready to get my dancing shoes on'.

I wouldn’t assume that girls’ night out means a big night- why not suggest dinner if that would work better for you?

If you don’t want to do anything I’d just stay quiet and if a plan does form then just say you can’t make it and wish them a nice evening. No need for excuses.

So just suggest this, or a lunch out? I’d jump in first and say how about a meal/lunch out, it’s been so long since you’ve seen everyone you’re not drinking these days but meeting up for a meal would be lovely.

I bet you’ll find others might be feeling the same!

Can you just suggest going out for a meal?

‘Lovely idea! Given we’ve not seen each other for ages, it’d be great to go somewhere we can really catch up and not have to shout over music. How about a meal at tbc place?’

Do you want to keep the friendship going? If so I think ‘sorry can’t make it’ is a bad idea as it just sounds like a rejection. Either use the PPs line about health issues or suggest dinner.

The thing is there's no set date or event, she wants us to all agree on a suitable date together so we can all make it. So it's not like "it's this Saturday" "oh I'm busy", I can't say I'm busy every Friday and Saturday evening for the next 2 months straight lol

What’s stopping you doing what loads of people have suggested and putting forward what you’d like to do on a night (or afternoon) out?

How about ‘it would be nice to see you all, a lunch or early dinner would work for me’ if they start replying about going clubbing etc which I don’t think they will then it’s fine to say you’ll give it miss this time but hope they all have a nice evening.

If you really don’t want to see them for a few hours and would prefer one more night in then just ignore the messages.

Well, suggest that instead? ‘Girls’ night out’ doesn’t have to mean sinking cocktails and spewing in nightclub toilets.