How to say no without looking boring/rude?

[Nogodsnomasters]

I have an old friendship group, we used to be very close but now as more kids have come along over the years and COVID lockdowns etc we're now more like acquaintances. On Facebook I see one or two of the group still go out together from time to time but not the entire group.

One girl has just made a group chat for us all for the first time in about 3 years and started it with "Hello strangers! Can we all get together for a girl's night out please?"

I no longer drink alcohol or even carbonated drinks due to developing GERD. My mental health isn't the best and I'm in counselling, my sleep is shit and I'm always exhausted, I also now have IBS. I haven't had a "girls night out" in 7 months, wouldn't step foot in a night club and haven't since pre covid as I just feel too old and frumpy and tired for it all now. Don't really enjoy sitting in a pub that isn't for a meal as there's nothing I can really order to drink other than water which then gets funny looks and comments "oh just have a drink, come on don't be boring!"

Basically I don't want to go, But I don't want to appear rude or boring (which I basically am, I'd rather be home with my kids reading a book or watching a film). What can I say in this group chat?

I mean, if (1) you don't want to go, and (2) they are genuinely people who would tease someone about being "boring" for not wanting a specific type of night out -- maybe it's time to just kind of let the friendship group go? Because it sounds like you've outgrown them.

Which is fine, it happens, and you can switch focus to potential new friendships.

Fwiw I wouldn't want to go either, so no judgement from me

You've had loads of suggested texts that would mean you were off the hook for the coming months, what is stopping you using one of them?

Personally I would say something like 'Sorry I have a lot going on for the moment, things are suddenly stacked up. Have a great time and hopefully catch up later in the year'.

How about something like
"I have a lot going on right now and not in the right head space for a girls night anytime soon. I hope you have a great time and hopefully I'll make one another time"

Why not just be honest and explain a little bit?
You'd love to go out for a meal but big drinking nights are a thing of the past for health reasons.
You might actually enjoy the meal and find that you reconnect with some people who will make your life a bit brighter?

Also, the person going to the trouble of making the group chat and posting? She sounds as if she could be going through things too?

Maybe message separately and say you don't do big nights out but lunch would be lovely.

I'd be honest and say you'd enjoy a meal out but nothing else at the moment as you're suffering with health problems.

Just suggest a meal if that’s what you would like to do and you want to see these women . In a few years your children will grow up and have their own lives and you may be glad of the opportunity to meet friends.

I think you should go,it'll do you good,you sound stick in a rut. They might be equally struggling and need some company.

Get in there quick and suggest a dinner and you'll drive,they'll jump at the chance if they can drink.

Yet you've happily told complete strangers and nobody has said it's odd. I never drink simply because I don't like it but that has never stopped me going out and everybody knows my drink is coke or J2o lol and has never asked if there's a reason and I have a wonderful time

Why not suggest an activity that you do want to do? Honestly, I have dc and am old now and also have GI issues and I don't drink alcohol. I'm happy for a drink in the pub, but I wouldn't go on a 'night out'.

But certainly in my friend group we are moving into an age were people don't really do nights out. It's a meal or a coffee or a day of hiking or a spa day. Is there a spa near you at does the cheap ish evening spas (around here they are like £20). Suggest that? They may have a bar and people may order a drink, but have a cup of mint tea. I love a mint tea and a sauna.

If you all barely see each other and haven't been out in a long time, obviously the others aren't mad for a big night out either or someone would have arranged one before now. They will probably be grateful that you suggest an alternative.

Btw, no one thinks it's remotely odd that I don't drink anymore. And actually since I stopped drinking, several others around me have too. And I've noticed how many people do just order a coffee when out, which I never would have noticed before because I was so focussed on my wine! It isn't that weird really.

Of course you can be busy the next two or three months.

I have friends I see once a year unless we are at the same place. They genuinely are that busy. They have a calendar and its booked out. Including a few weekends just for them.

You don't have to go if you don't want to. I wouldn't want to either , I choose how I want to spend my time and it wouldn't be a girls night out. I get that it can be tricky when you are put under pressure from others but you if you don't want to go then don't. Wait a bit before you answer and see what other people reply to the message. Tell them to set a date and you ll let them know if you can join them but not to set the date around you.

The person posting that might be feeling lonely so it would be careful what I said in return. I'd also be very wary of getting rid of all my friends because one day you will turn around and your children will be older and you won't have any friends.

How can you know you don't want to go when you haven't got a clue about what it is she's actually planning?

Nope. In this situation it's important to be as blunt and horrible as possible. "I can't go because my diarrhoea is so bad right now that it might be solely my fault people can't swim in the river". That's usually enough. Or tell them that due to a rare genetic issue you have developed Fish Odour Syndrome and you can't go because its left you with a terrible haddock.
Happy to help.

Make your suggestion on the chat, that you are not drinking but would love an early meal and the rest of them can carry on after. Then if it's not what they fancy then at least you've tried. It is good to keep up with people if you do like them , you never know when you will need your friends

Because total strangers don't know me and won't talk about me to other people like "oh did you hear nogodsnomasters has such and such going on with her health?"

The difference there is that I USED to drink and party with these girls my whole 20's so to now to have this change, there most definitely would be looks and questions.

I’d be careful too if you want to keep the friendships going, I have a friendship group where one person has isolated themself a bit from the group and often either doesn’t reply in the chat or turn up when plans are agreed, now when she does show up it feels awkward, yet if I see her separately she says she doesn’t want to drop out of the group. We know it’s because of health issues and problems her DS is having but it is having the effect of making some of the others not want to ask her any more.

Now my DCs are young adults I am really glad I made the effort to keep my pre-DC friendships (a different group) going as we all have a lot more free time to meet up again now.

So I’d be honest and just say you are up for lunch or breakfast out but not evenings at the moment because life is a bit hectic and you rely on early nights.

To those asking how do I know that she means a night out drinking/partying because the message came with drink emoji's and I've known this person for over 12yrs so I know exactly what she means when she suggests a girl's night.

Thank you all for the different suggestions of how to word things, they were very helpful. I decided to be honest, as I'm not very honest with my personal life to anyone and don't open up to the real people in my life except a few select family members, which I know probably isn't good for my mental health trying to always act like everything is going swimmingly while I'm furiously paddling under the water.

I said I'd be diagnosed with a few different health conditions recently which have meant a diet overhaul including no more alcohol and not even a fizzy drink so I'd not be comfortable going to a pub or club but would love to do a dinner instead.

Just say you'd love to join them for some food before they head off into the night.

I'd be positive but make suggestions for something you'd enjoy. So a walk and a coffee, a nice lunch, an escape room (!) whatever floats your boat and see if they're up for that.

I'm sober for 10 years thanks to AA and don't feel boring for not drinking - I personally love dancing but find it very dull sitting in pubs whilst everyone else gets drunk so I hear you!

Give your dates and say ‘shall we do dinner? ‘

This.

I wouldn't be doing a night out either, OP, of any sort (I hear you on the GERD, I have it too). If they are thinking of a piss-up and would give you grief about not wanting to take part, I'd be thinking you've grown up and they haven't, and not bother about them.

Could you counter suggest a meal instead?

In my experience these things rarely end up happening and I always feel a bit sorry for the organiser

It sounds more like you want to extricate yourself from this friendship group for whatever reason. I do understand- I have a similar one where I just don’t know what I’d say to them after all this time (I think it’s been about 8 years since we met up). I second the suggestions about health and just opt out and hope they don’t keep pushing it.

My first reaction to anything like that is always no, for all the kinds of reasons you have outlined.
However as I get older, I'm trying very hard to say yes, because as a previous poster said, you can look around and one day realise your friends have gone. I'm at the age when people are becoming unwell and even dying and I just think it's worth maintaining these connections when you can.
I've also noticed that in the company of people who are drinking much more than me, they really don't notice or care that I'm not drinking. I'm also more confident in getting up and leaving when it suits me.
I hope you can find a way to go!