Why was I told off for saying 'To whom it may concern' in an email to client's customer?

[autisticconsultant]

Just joined this year

I basically cc'd a customer into an email chain where a bunch of client employees were discussing how to best help the customer

Then some lady from the client complained to my manager and said I shouldn't have

She also said me emailing a pair of managers 'To whom it may concern' sounded frosty and unprofessional (?)

I used 'to whom it may concern' bc my email was addressing a bunch of people in senior positions and I thought it was more professional than going 'Dear X, Dear Y, Dear Z, Dear A' or 'Hi all'

My manager told me that essentially the lady felt annoyed that I gave this client problem without trying to sum up the problem myself and present her with some action points and her complaints re the To whom it may concern email were to do being put off by the massive problem I gave her re the client

That's actually a fair point: autism often comes with co-diagnosed dyslexia.

Each autistic person has differing degrees of competency with word selection and writing. That some PPs are fluent writers doesn't mean that OP will be.

Autism has a common symptom called alexithymia. Usually if I'm in trouble at work for my "tone", it's because I've written whilst stressed or scared but I've been unable to recognise that I'm experiencing that emotion at the time.

I wonder if part of OP's snippiness is because she's stressed or scared but isn't able to recognise it.

I’m autistic and would never do these things. It sounds like a lack of training, and intellectual laziness.

My iq is in the top 4% verbally and 13% non-verbally according to mensa
Why am i showing intellectual laziness on this task?

Because MENSA doesn't measure communication skills, tact, diplomacy, 'reading people', social niceties, workplace culture, etc, etc.

@autisticconsultant it’s little things you’re saying. For example, you’re using why, when you mean how.

It wouldn’t be why am I showing laziness (how are we supposed to know?) how would be more accurate or something like “In what area am I showing laziness in my job?”

This isn't to lambast you Op but to hopefully give you helpful examples.

Also, the why am I showing etc questions are coming off quite aggressive. Could you be unintentionally adopting this tone at work?

@autisticconsultant I was going to comment, but went ahead and looked at your comment history first. It looks like you’ve sought a lot of advice about work in the past two days.

And people on your thread about why you have work problems already told you a lot: you might have poor judgment; Mensa doesn’t quantify anything about you so even my ex who is in Mensa says that the testing bit is useless for the working world (and it doesn’t even mean anything for actual Mensa - to get into Mensa, you have to take a standard IQ test and score in the top 2% worldwide and I don’t believe any of them have sections like ‘verbal’ and ‘non-verbal’, so I’m not sure what you took - maybe some pre-test from their website or something?), and other recommendations.

Most importantly for this site, someone recommended you post on the neurodiverse Mumsnetters board and I think that might be a good idea. Because when someone tells you that the words in your OP are “a mess,” they mean you must rewrite the sentences because they cannot currently be understood. You just put the exact same words into a numbered list. Hence all the assumptions you’re just joking or an AI. If you’re serious, try another board.

I think what I was trying to say is that issues with fluency/tone/phrasing are subtler and trickier to navigate, but SPAG (spelling and grammar – things like including articles, prepositions and punctuation) is more straightforward. The latter may still be hard for some, but in any case phrasing/tone and SPAG are still 2 largely separate things.

I work with SEN kids on literacy (Orton Gillingham method for dyslexia), and I know how ADHD/ASD/etc often occur alongside dyslexia, but doesn't in many cases. Issues with literacy could simply be, as you mentioned, manifestations of things like difficulty with tone or attention span.

Overall my point is that proper writing and reading is more of a "hard skill" that can be learnt to some extent. There are hard and fast rules for spelling and grammar. Yes, they may be challenging to learn, but if you also struggle with tone etc, being understandable at least helps a little bit and is easier to tackle first.

Edit: Not trying to armchair diagnose but actually, re-reading the posts, in OP's case, I think it could be the same language processing issue I often see in some ASD children (eg mixing up words like "why" and "how", and randomly dropping words in sentences). I still maintain that applying basic SPAG is all the more necessary/helpful in that case, but yes it will be hard

Wow.

As others have said, ‘To whom it may concern’ is rather outdated and I used to only ever use it in a very very formal tone to external bodies when I didn’t know who would receive my correspondence. It’s rude to start an email like that to your own colleagues.

I am more astounded that you copied in a client/customer into your internal emails and before you had resolved the ‘problem’ you refer to. Absolutely common sense to resolve the matter first and then contact your client to explain the solution.

If I were your manager, I’d be putting you on a development plan and asking to check your emails before you send them. We can all make mistakes and have room to grow, but the priority when it comes to clients is professionalism.

So in future when emailing a group put hello or hello all or possibly dear all.

If you want the customer to know what is happening send them a summary of what has been discussed ideally with some solutions or at least a next step. Don't forward them other peoples emails.

Yes, me too though I never got ticked off for doing it. It’s hard to believe but the Civil Service with all its pronouns and diversity etc still has ‘Dear Sir’ templates for some letters.

well that clears that up then...

I don't feel comfortable telling people more bc you can dox me and nosy people may want to report me to my firm bc they're bored and have no lives

I think probably time to walk away from this thread now OP. You made a mistake in communication, but that's probably linked to your autism and you'll learn from this now and move on. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone, it's over.

OP can't you see how rude and confrontational that is?

@autisticconsultant , there are all sorts of jobs that count be described as 'consulting'. It doesn't convey much without context.

You mentioned that you have strong skills in certain areas, and my advice would be to move sideways into a role where your skills and personality are suited.

I was almost doxed the last time I told internet strangers more about my firm. How should I be more polite in phrasing this?

I don't feel comfortable telling people more bc you can dox me and nosy people may want to report me to my firm bc they're bored and have no lives

You could simply say:

"I had a bad experience in the past, where I was almost doxxed, so I am not comfortable sharing personal information"

There is absolutely no need to mention nosey people, or insinuate they're bored and have no lives. That's unbelievably rude and confrontational.

'I don't feel comfortable telling people what exactly I do because they might be able to figure out who I work for. They might then make the company aware of my threads.'

Many of the responses on here to this thread are really nasty. The op did not commit murder, she simply addressed an email incorrectly. Some of you really need to get a grip!

Some are, @TellySavalashairbrush , and some posters have tried to be helpful.
The OP seems rude and unwilling to take on board any advice.

And the OP needs to stop blaming her rudeness and her work problems on autism.

This is your third post about this. Posters on the other two threads have been trying to help you. But you e been very aggressive in your responses and you obviously aren't liking what you are hearing. Do you think this third thread will give you what you want?

If you take this rather abrasive tone at work, then that will definitely be a large part of why you are having problems.

Well, I was always in the top 1% wherever I went ;-)

@autisticconsultant so you work at a law firm? I do too and good communication skills are essential for this type of work.

I really would reflect on the advice you have received on your many threads, as poor communication skills will mean really that law is not for you in a client facing capacity