Be honest - am I just being lazy?!

[LazyDaysy]

I’m nearly 10 weeks pregnant and I have zero energy. Nada. Not sleeping great. Morning sickness is also quite bad although I have only vomited a few times. Smells turn my stomach, even perfume, and drinking water makes me gag.

I have a couple of in-person meetings on Monday and so said I’d go to the office. I really don’t want to. I haven’t been for weeks, since before my symptoms kicked in. It’s a long commute which involves driving and busy trains. I have no idea what to wear. I’m at that awkward end of first trimester stage where none of my clothes fit well as I am really bloated. In many outfits I think it’s obvious I’m pregnant. My manager and one colleague knows but I don’t want the whole office finding out just yet, nor to be self conscious of my outfit all day.

What should I do? I feel like if I’m honest, I will just look like I can’t be bothered which isn’t a great image. The meetings can and have previously been done over teams as it’s just conversational. I’m in a tizz over it and don’t know if I need to just get on with it.

Bump :)

Just say you are ill and will do them from home.

Nobody will care.

My manager has said before that they think if people are too ill to be there in person then they should just take a sick day.

Hmm.. honestly what you are feeling is normal and you need to mind yourself and rest as much as you can. However my first thought was boo hoo every woman before you was the same and most commuted 5 mornings a week and was expected to perform as normal without a shred of allowance for early pregnancy. So while I sympathise I think on balance just get on with it and go to the meeting and be grateful you won't be doing it the next day again.

I often found that getting up, ready and out of the house to do a full day's work actually made me feel better than on the weekends when I stayed in. Not sure why. Maybe it took my mind off it more. I'd give it and try and see how it makes you feel

I felt this way when I was pregnant, and it was pre pandemic and no one worked from home in my profession. I did absolutely punishing travel. It was a high risk pregnancy too. I really wish I hadn't had to do it, I don't think I should have had to do it, and I really hope OP doesn't have to. I'm glad workers, especially women, have more options now.

You see this really annoys me as a woman. 50 years ago there was an assumption you couldnt work properly when pregnant or with small children do you quit work early on. We fought, or rather my mother's generation fought for maternity rights, my generation fought against unfair dismissal and promotion rights when pregnant yet I read about women who don't want to pull their weight because they are pregnant.

I commuted to central London until 35 weeks, this was normal, maternity leave was 29 weeks at that point. Obviously certain protections need to be in place for safety reasons but for your normal office job go to work to protect yourself and future generations of women from being overlooked by employers due to being of child bearing age.

It does sound more like you don’t want to rather than you absolutely can’t. I say go in and plan to totally hunker down the days following. I think you’ll find it harder to go into the office the longer you leave it and the reality won’t be half as bad as you’re imagining.

I should add I’m not entirely WFH, I will be out 3 of the remaining 4 weekdays just in the community and not in the office.

Sorry you’re annoyed that I don’t feel well. I don’t feel like now is the time when I want to be a martyr, usually I put in over and beyond but right now I don’t feel up to it.

It's unreasonable to expect pregnant women to go above and beyond to work when they are ill just so employers think women of childbearing age are good employees.

Yes I have heard that pregnancy is not an illness, but there are a lot of illnesses that can come along with it and this is a time when putting your and your baby's health first is worth it.

Your pregnancy symptoms sound totally normal and not extreme, so I would assume you're fine to go in.

First trimester is shit. However, my morning sickness lasted until 40 weeks, so normal life can't just stop.

Would you class attending an in person meeting and doing a commute as above and beyond though? I mean it's quite a normal expectation, it's not what I think counts as above and beyond!

OP if you're feeling physically unable e.g so sick it's dangerous to drive, I wouldn't go in and would try to do things remotely. However if you'd just rather not because it's a faff, I'd go in (we've all been there not wanting to do a commute!). Maybe see if there's the chance to do the in person meetings then commute home before rush hour and work a bit later, depending on your work set up.

I think this adds strength to the argument you should go into the office tbh. I’m sympathetic but I find it hard to reconcile the idea that you’re ok working in the community but not in an office for one day.

if your managers are pushing you to go in for meetings that could be on teams I feel they’re sending you a pretty strong message that they need some flexibility back from you. Pregnancy is tough, the first trimester particularly shitty ime but there’s a chance you could run into bigger issues down the line and you really couldn’t make it in.

OP- this feeling is only going to get worse as you progress and start feeling the "nesting" need.

Best soldier on now and then possibly ask for more allowances later on in the pregnancy when it does get more difficult and tiring and in all honesty- you can't be bothered as you know you'll be on maternity soon. (Although that may just have been me!)

If you weren't pregnant but felt unwell (nausea, fatigue, etc.) would you have gone into work anyway? I think you're the only one that can answer the question of whether or not you feel too crappy to go into the office.

The bit about not having anything to wear...that does make you sound like you just can't be arsed to put together an outfit that doesn't scream "pregnant!". At 10 weeks if people notice anything at all they'd probably think you'd put on a bit of weight.

If you're ill, don't go.

If you're pregnant, go.

Not wanting people to see your bump , not having anything to wear and just not being arsed are not good excuses.

If you feel worn out, ill or really not up to it, then phone in sick.

I am feeling incredibly sick and tired on mornings, and gag at anything (like I say, smell of perfume, smell of car fumes, drinking water).

I had quite bad nausea and vomiting when pregnant.

If I had that level of nausea and vomiting when not pregnant I would have definitely not gone in as too ill.

So, yeah in some circumstances commuting in and attending a meeting is going above and beyond.

Op the way I would think about it is that if you were feeling this level of nausea and vomiting and not pregnant would you go in?

But that's my benchmark. Others might want to soldier on.

Nope I would probably stay at home, but then again I rarely ever feel sick (outside of pregnancy) so wouldn’t really have a benchmark. I never really do sick days, it’s not me

Thank you for being honest! That is really true

@mitogoshi what women fought for was “a right” and a “choice” not one or the other…

I do sympathise OP but from what you have said it sounds like you’re over egging it a bit. Fair enough if you couldn’t make a train journey without throwing up but feeling nauseous and your clothes being tight aren’t a reason sack off responsibilities. You say you don’t have a benchmark on whether you are sick or not.. you don’t need one. You know deep down if you are physically capable of attending work or not, the fact you’re having to negotiate with yourself sounds to me like you know you are capable but can’t be bothered with the hassle.

I’d be showing face as much as possible in the early days and hopefully your employer will cut you some slack in the hellish third trimester.

Hi OP,
I don’t share this to scare you, but because I wish this is the advice that someone had given me.

I lost a baby at 11.5 weeks because I soldiered on at work when I felt completely awful. I tried to explain to work that I was struggling and they told me just to get on with it because ‘pregnancy isn’t an illness’.

I’ve since had successful pregnancies and know that weeks 8-10 are my absolute worst.

Right now your only priority should be you and the baby. At the end of the day work would replace you in a second. Don’t be a martyr out of some misguided sense of duty. In the long run it makes no difference to your employer if you go in or not.

Put yourself first.

What a stupid post. Surely you partly fought so that women feeling ill in early pregnancy didn't get penalised, or do you only care about other woman if they suffer as much as you had to?

Rather than over-egging how you feel OP it sounds more to me like you're not used to feeling rotten and are having trouble admitting that you're feeling ill and don't want to just power through right now. Every pregnancy is different. That period can be tougher for some than others.

Sounds like there's no need to go. Say you're unwell and do it over teams.