Bitter, resentful mum. Anyone else struggle?

[RudeDogAndTheDweebs]

Does anyone else struggle with having an unhappy, unfulfilled, bitter and resentful mum? A mum who, despite loving you - in the way that most mums love their children, seems to envy and begrudge every single moderately nice thing that you've ever had or experienced? Someone who thinks she's been 'unlucky' in life, while everyone around her has been 'lucky'.

Some of the ways in which I've apparently been 'lucky' include:

• "Not having to worry about my weight" (her words). Reality, which she's aware of: I watch what I eat at every meal and have maintained a regular exercise regime for 20 years.
• Doing well at work and getting a couple of promotions. With the last one, instead of saying 'well done', she mournfully sighed "you'll be retired at 50". (WTF, I'll still have a mortgage then and what the hell would I live on for the next 35 years?!) Reality, which she's aware of: I've put myself through professional qualifications, done jobs I hate, done jobs that have made me ill, suffered anxiety for a decade, taken risks, put myself through a 'fear of public speaking' course to treat a phobia that was at risk of ruining my career. I'm also 40 and have been plugging away at the same thing for 20 years by now.
• Living in a nice enough house (nothing amazing though) in a beautiful area. Reality, which she's aware of: DH and I have spent 15 years doing up houses, honing what started out as utterly shit DIY skills and getting a hell of a lot wrong along the way. And we live in a beautiful area because we took a huge risk and relocated to somewhere where we knew absolutely noone and had to work really hard to build a life here for ourselves.

I could go on and on, but won't.

I'll never confront her, so please don't suggest that I should - its totally unrealistic within the dynamics of our relationship. I've built a life away from her which I love. It's just painful to have a mum who seems so bitter and unwilling to be happy for her own daughter - and god forbid she ever suggested she was a little bit proud of me.

Can anyone relate? How do you rationalise it and find peace?

That's awful.

But you aren't offering a point of view, you are telling op what she should do. So in the same spirit can I tell you to stop it please. Op should be angry, don't tell her she shouldn't.

Op you are quite right to be angry - it's not right.

Lots of your OP is very familiar to me. My relationship with my mum has deteriorated horribly in the last few years. I'd thought to myself that she is jealous of me, but almost felt ashamed of myself thinking it, like I must have a big ego. Then about a month ago after another nasty, resentful message about how I don't know how good I have it, my DH turned to me and said, 'You won't like hearing this, but do you know what I think? I think she's jealous of you. I've thought that for quite a long time.'

Mum has actually always been a very jealous person. Her 'best friend' relationship was incredibly toxic - all smiles and lovely times when they were together, but real nasty comments behind her friend's back, highly critical of everything to do with her, resentful, bitter comments about her friend's wealth and opportunities and husband etc. Also growing up, Mum was very competitive of us vs her friend's children. She'd be embarrassed by us if they were doing better in school, or if we got together and they were more confident or funnier. As a shy child this was hard. We used to joke about how we'd drive away from their house to a chorus of 'Why can't you be more like the 'Smith' children?' Now I'm grown up, I think back and it's not so fucking funny. I would never make my children feel lesser, or that they'd let me down just for being themselves.

But you can’t be angry FOREVER is my point, it’s bad for your health.

That's just an internet meme - about Eeyore. The author, A.A. Milne, just wrote him as a gloomy character. The OP's mum sounds really gloomy.

I really sympathise
My mother is not the worst either so it's hard to explain to people without sounding like I'm being hard on her!!
But she is blind to her flaws. Like I said, she's not a bad person, but because she needs to believe she's perfect, she HIDES her flaws by attributing whatever she needs to attribute to me to live in that reality.

Eg, it's not that she's impatient, it's that I'm difficult.
It's not that she lacks empathy, it's that im sensitive.
It's not that she's giving me the cold shoulder, it's that im aggressive (rejecting the cold shoulder).

It's all a bit subtle. To others. She never shouts or swears. She just withdraws, rejects, ignores, labels me.

Argh.

Saying nothing is tge right choice. I tried to raise my mother's behaviour with her.
She just attributed more labels to me. "Detached from reality"
I give up.
I never should have tried.

Yes I think our mothers are jealous with narcissistic traits. The hostility had always been there but it kicked in with a vengeance towards me at around the age that of 14 . She was vilest towards me at about 19 and through my twenties. She doesn't like seeing me happy , having nice things or progressing. Im convinced she had turned my youngest against me going by things she has said , she has used my mother's phrases . I think she's tried something with my eldest too . I now tolerate and grey rock her . She is old now , probably in her final years and has mellowed at little . I think a lot of her meddling will come to light when she has passed away .

why do you have any contact with someone like this? genuine question

@loveroflentils I'm currently in the longest period of no contact with her that I've ever been in (except for during lockdowns). It's going well! Periodic phonecalls, which I can handle by keeping very very boring and neutral.

@Kittywittywoo that mellowing with age is so confusing isn't it, makes you doubt your own memories of how awful it has been in the past. I hope yours didn't manage to spoil your relationship with your children.

No but I think my DM has been planting seeds in my children's heads . She is very good at getting her views across by using others as a mouthpiece . She is very good at playing the sweet old lady