Bitter, resentful mum. Anyone else struggle?

[RudeDogAndTheDweebs]

Does anyone else struggle with having an unhappy, unfulfilled, bitter and resentful mum? A mum who, despite loving you - in the way that most mums love their children, seems to envy and begrudge every single moderately nice thing that you've ever had or experienced? Someone who thinks she's been 'unlucky' in life, while everyone around her has been 'lucky'.

Some of the ways in which I've apparently been 'lucky' include:

• "Not having to worry about my weight" (her words). Reality, which she's aware of: I watch what I eat at every meal and have maintained a regular exercise regime for 20 years.
• Doing well at work and getting a couple of promotions. With the last one, instead of saying 'well done', she mournfully sighed "you'll be retired at 50". (WTF, I'll still have a mortgage then and what the hell would I live on for the next 35 years?!) Reality, which she's aware of: I've put myself through professional qualifications, done jobs I hate, done jobs that have made me ill, suffered anxiety for a decade, taken risks, put myself through a 'fear of public speaking' course to treat a phobia that was at risk of ruining my career. I'm also 40 and have been plugging away at the same thing for 20 years by now.
• Living in a nice enough house (nothing amazing though) in a beautiful area. Reality, which she's aware of: DH and I have spent 15 years doing up houses, honing what started out as utterly shit DIY skills and getting a hell of a lot wrong along the way. And we live in a beautiful area because we took a huge risk and relocated to somewhere where we knew absolutely noone and had to work really hard to build a life here for ourselves.

I could go on and on, but won't.

I'll never confront her, so please don't suggest that I should - its totally unrealistic within the dynamics of our relationship. I've built a life away from her which I love. It's just painful to have a mum who seems so bitter and unwilling to be happy for her own daughter - and god forbid she ever suggested she was a little bit proud of me.

Can anyone relate? How do you rationalise it and find peace?

@RudeDogAndTheDweebs

Also focus on being your own best friend or better way of putting it
is focusing on yourself in whatever healthy beneficial ways as much as possible,
Complementary therapies sessions once a month,
or
vist healthspa
vist somewhere leisure wise benefits
Read that book you been wanting to get around
visting libarey ect,

Instead of dreading mothers day make an extra effort to treat yourself in a way that benefits you in a healthy emotionally mindfulness way,
whatever that maybe
So this day is something you look forward to more,
to compensate for having such a shit 💩 poor excuse of a so called mother 👩

Take care

You are worth it
Deserve it

Despite having such soul destroying words inflicted on you by the one who should have your back and be your no 1 personal cheer leader ect,

Pleased I found this thread.
I love my mum dearly and she isn't as bad as some of the posts on here. But I do feel like she doesn't actually like me very much sometimes. Very little in the way of praise, just criticism.
Years ago when I was going through a rough time she gave me a loan. Actually it was my dad that insisted, I don't think she would have done it if it was up to her. I never missed a payment, ever. But she made me feel so bad about it all the time. As soon as I was able I paid it all back in full.
She always has a comment to make about my parenting, my house, I spend too much money. She doesn't seem to understand the concept of generosity and sees things like gifts for the dc as unnecessary.
She offers no help with my little ones which is fine, her choice. But if I ever complain about them being hard work or being tired I get comments like "you were just as bad." Which grates as I was packed off to my grandparents every weekend so she and my dad could go out.
We lost my dad during Covid and this seems to have made her worse.
She had me young and I was unplanned so sometimes feel like she resents having to have to spend her youth bringing me up.
It's a weird relationship. I know she loves me but there's very little in the way of support sometimes and it's always 'poor me' attitude.
I see other people with lovely mums who do so much for them just because they want to and it does sting.

I’ve never understood how/why some mothers see their daughters as competition and there seems to be an element of that with her. I don’t think you’ll ever get what you would like from her. Does your dad take more interest in your life?

In addition to the excellent advice here, I have one suggestion. I think it might help if you could take a step back and see how pitiful and small her life is becoming. It’s quite sad really. That doesn’t excuse how she treats you and it’s solely her responsibility to change that, but perhaps if you reframed your reaction to feel sorry for her (without dwelling on it) her behaviour might feel less hurtful. It might give you a bit of detachment.

Not my dm but my mil is a bit like this. It really annoyed me until I started hearing some of her stories and realised that she had some really difficult times when no one was properly looking out for her (dps/fil).

When I’m able to catch my own irritation, and reflect on why she said that, or even ask her, it’s led to some revelations. And even occasionally to real connection if I call out the shitty attitude she was getting in the past and validate that.

It’s no substitute for therapy- I think the main reason I go to therapy is because the people in my life don’t. But it helps me more than her, because it shifts me into curiosity and (sometimes) compassion instead of just reeling from the barb.

It’s not a fix though. And I imagine far harder to do with a dm than a mil when there are other loyalties, perspectives, stories and entanglements

Sometimes I wish there was a compulsory year of therapy (like National Service) so everyone could chew over their issues instead of inflicting them all over friends and family

My mother wasn't resentful of me in the ways you are enduring. [It sounds very difficult and I would keep a bit of distance/not tell your Mum much in order to protect yourself, this is having a drip, drip effect on your mental well being]. But our relationship was not a good one as I was a 'nuisance', the black sheep [she despised my father, with good reason actually] and not a golden child like my 2 half siblings were. She even told her employer all about them, never mentioning me at all and he was stunned to know I existed when he met me once!

Every thing I did was wrong in some way, I could never please her, never quite good enough. She was disinterested in my life and my children, distant, cold, unemotional and at times had been down right neglectful. Told me once my appearance in her life had made her very unhappy. Thanks.

I've had years of counselling/therapy. I distanced myself to some extent by moving further away, not seeing her much as I could not bear being hurt by some indifference or remark every time I saw her. Took me days to recover from a visit.

But I never 100% gave up, my conscience wouldn't let me. I understood a lot of why she was the way she was, I knew a lot of her history, she was damaged and I think was quite depressed. Wouldn't admit it though, always in denial.

I held on and when she was dying she told me she loved me. I was stunned, never thought she even liked me. And her friend told me at the funeral that Mum used to talk about me and was proud of me! I'd waited all my life to hear that and it had nearly taken my sanity in the process.

Does your dad take more interest in your life?
@Lurkingandlearning My dad is hugely supportive and encouraging, thankfully. When I got promoted, he sent a card saying "You're amazing, I'm so proud of you" and he always tells my husband how good of a son in law he is an so on. Mum would never say that about him, even though he's objectively all you could wish for your daughter.

Yes @platespinner22 "I love my mum dearly and she isn't as bad as some of the posts on here." The strange thing is, my mum looks from the outside to be not so bad. I love her. We can spend time together and it's OK (because I'm gritting my teeth the whole time, and because I keep conversation to her 'safe' subjects). Someone looking in just wouldn't get it.

Just to add, I can see you have the support of your Dad which is what is keeping you upright and sane, that's so vital and good for you.

In my case I had my grandmother, who cared for me and supported me, and loved to see me. She gave me my security and a moral compass, showed me people were kind. Everyone needs such an anchor and care in order to thrive/survive. Doesn't matter where it comes from.

Urgh. Awful. What kind of sick person is not thrilled for their own children and proud of their achievements ? My mother is the exact opposite of this and I am grateful for that.

Dh parents aren’t as bad as this but there are similarities. My mother said to FIL how proud they must be of Dh (he has done amazingly well academically and professionally despite a very modest background). Fil sighed and said “he never gave us any trouble”. That was the best compliment he could muster. My mother was horrified.

I thought I'd share something recently which mum said, which shows how she can feel self pity over literally ANYTHING. I actually laughed at this one when I told my husband.

Her friend has a big family. Lots of (now adult) kids. Through no fault of their own, each and every child, all at the same time, had problems - health issues, bereavement, divorce, financial issues, domestic violence etc etc. Awful.

Mum visited her friend and one of the kids was sitting at her mum's kitchen table, having suffered the latest round of domestic abuse, looking broken.

Mum said to me on the phone "I don't know what I've done wrong, you never come to me for support with your problems"!!

Erm, no I don't, because you're one of the most judgemental people I know, who would definitely weaponise anything that I shared and use it against me at a future date. But more to the point, how about being happy and thankful that I'm doing well, healthy, in a good marriage, appear financially solvent and am in employment!!

The strange thing is, mum seems to think she ought to be the centre of my world because she brought me up on her own and I should be eternally grateful.
But if dad is the one who is interested in me, pleased for me, excited for me, guess which parent I prefer to spend time with!

Yes sounds very familiar sadly and the reason I am NC with my mum, and have been for many years. No regrets whatsoever.

My Grandma is like this. People who have done well in life are "lucky". Her son (my uncle) who has made a series of terrible decisions resulting in jail time and losing contact with his children among other things has been "unlucky", poor him etc. It's a way of avoiding taking responsibility for your actions and choices. Would be very frustrating for your own mum to be like this, because normally they celebrate your successes.

She sounds very self-involved.

@Whatifthehokeycokey yes the 'lucky' thing drives me utterly insane.

Mum will look at a surgeon who trained for 15 years, working 12 hour shifts, and say they are 'lucky' for having a nice house or car. I do often reply with "Well I think they've worked hard enough for it".

My mother was like that. Very jealous and resentful of anyone who had more than she did.

And it wasn't like she had a bad life either. I know her childhood probably wasn't easy, and that was due to the time she was born in which was the late 1920s.

There are several periods where I went no contact with her, and that's how it was probably about a year before she passed away, and I have no regrets. But my mother was a bit extreme she was rather cruel and a narcissist.

I completely avoid people who have that think people are lucky mentality and they're hard done by. They are just complete toxic drains.

Years of therapy to deal with my messed up childhood, so I am okay now.

I could have written the OP myself. I love my mum and we were always really close growing up.

I have moved back home currently with DH and DD, upon my mothers suggestion, to save for a house and the reality of the way she is has hit me like a ton of bricks and I hate every moment of being here because of it.

She is the victim in every aspect of her life. She has been through extremely hard things in the past but let's that define everything else.

I was recently given a huge pay rise and substantial bonus which has sped up our house buying position but I actively cannot be excited or shared my excitement with her because she resents me for it. Both me and my brother last night were told how lucky we are to be financially in the position we are and are likely to be when we are her age. No acknowledgement of the fact that whilst she works part time in a supermarket and cannot survive on that money, she refuses to go full time. She is in debt up to her eyeballs because she cannot say no to herself and hints incessantly about living with us one day.

Cant pull her up on anything because it becomes all about her and how terrible every part of her life is

Not only is my mother resentful of me she tries to spoil anything nice for me . So I do things then tell her . In my younger days she would pick an argument just before I was going anywhere nice so I would leave the house crying. My DH noticed a pattern when we were courting. Any thing I had nice was either broken ( by accident of course ) or disappeared. I just tolerate and great rock her now .

@Unexpectedbaby my mum also hints about coming to live with us. I've acted like I've not heard any of the comments for 15 years, since they started when she was 55!! 55!! Nothing has ever quite been phrased as a question to actually enable me to say 'no'.

Talk about lacking in self awareness. Like I could work hard to build a life I love, and have her resent the hell out of me for evety part of it and every small joy or achievement, and then she would be welcome to MOVE IN TO OUR HOME!!

She has 'central character syndrome' though, so my life and that of my husband, and our marriage, aren't important. Neither are our other 3 parents who presumably don't get to come and live with us.

Over my DEAD body!!

I have had the outright suggestion. I keep saying 'I don't know how big you think this house is going to be' or 'we aren't planning on having a spare room'. I get back 'well I made room for the 3 of you'

A huge part of me wishes we never took her up on the offer of living with them. She doesn't like my dad, they do nothing but argue, loudly. It's been an awful experience. But again if I was to voice that I'd be called ungrateful

I really feel for you @Unexpectedbaby. Go down the grey rock route for the duration of your stay. Lots of "Mmmm" "Oh right" "Good for them", head down and you know not to try it again.

We are now house hunting and cannot wait to get in our own place again. My DD is miserable and it's shown me how toxic some of my childhood was and how I'm proud to have not passed that down to my daughter.

I think we will end up lowish contact once we move and by the sounds of this thread may invest in some therapy!

@Kittywittywoo that's interesting. Mine has "lost" very important things from my childhood, but kept all of the golden child's (my sibling's) stuff. Stuff I'd been asking for, for years.

And she also cut down a beautiful huge 25 year old clematis in my garden "by accident"..funnily enough she's never accidentally cut down any of her own trees or plants by the single main trunk. And she's never been able to successfully grow such a beautiful clematis.... Jealousy? She literally cut it off at the base of the biggest trunk/stem bit, about two inches from the ground. And then laughed and said how she didn't know which branch to cut so accidentally cut that one. I keep the sad two inch stump still in the ground, to remind me that boundaries must be constantly worked on.

Hang on a minute...I have certainly been unlucky in many ways in life and suffered much trauma that most people could not even imagine. I might be bitter towards some other people because of that.

But my own daughter? I'm not bitter towards her for a second. I wish only good things for her.

I had a mother like yours and am determined to do better for my own child. Am NC as a result.

Your mother is fucked up. A good mother feels pride and happiness at her child's achievements and feels pain at her child's distress.