Bitter, resentful mum. Anyone else struggle?

[RudeDogAndTheDweebs]

Does anyone else struggle with having an unhappy, unfulfilled, bitter and resentful mum? A mum who, despite loving you - in the way that most mums love their children, seems to envy and begrudge every single moderately nice thing that you've ever had or experienced? Someone who thinks she's been 'unlucky' in life, while everyone around her has been 'lucky'.

Some of the ways in which I've apparently been 'lucky' include:

• "Not having to worry about my weight" (her words). Reality, which she's aware of: I watch what I eat at every meal and have maintained a regular exercise regime for 20 years.
• Doing well at work and getting a couple of promotions. With the last one, instead of saying 'well done', she mournfully sighed "you'll be retired at 50". (WTF, I'll still have a mortgage then and what the hell would I live on for the next 35 years?!) Reality, which she's aware of: I've put myself through professional qualifications, done jobs I hate, done jobs that have made me ill, suffered anxiety for a decade, taken risks, put myself through a 'fear of public speaking' course to treat a phobia that was at risk of ruining my career. I'm also 40 and have been plugging away at the same thing for 20 years by now.
• Living in a nice enough house (nothing amazing though) in a beautiful area. Reality, which she's aware of: DH and I have spent 15 years doing up houses, honing what started out as utterly shit DIY skills and getting a hell of a lot wrong along the way. And we live in a beautiful area because we took a huge risk and relocated to somewhere where we knew absolutely noone and had to work really hard to build a life here for ourselves.

I could go on and on, but won't.

I'll never confront her, so please don't suggest that I should - its totally unrealistic within the dynamics of our relationship. I've built a life away from her which I love. It's just painful to have a mum who seems so bitter and unwilling to be happy for her own daughter - and god forbid she ever suggested she was a little bit proud of me.

Can anyone relate? How do you rationalise it and find peace?

Also mine whines that she has no relationship with her grandkids, but never texts or rings them. I refuse to make them do it, she is the adult, and when they've tried, she goes silent after the first perfunctory questions. Just ... Weird awful lengthy silences where my kids don't know how to move the conversation on. I refuse to make them appease her. It's not healthy.

Or she will text them once, they reply to answer, and asking her questions, and she just goes silent for weeks. Odd, and I think an attempt of being controlling or something from her. She's visible on WhatsApp all day every day though...

She gets very angry when we are in her home too, despite constantly asking to see us. And usually cooks the one meal all the kids hate, she's done it every single time we visit for years, and claims she forgot if they liked it or hated it?! Despite having to box it up or waste it six or seven times before. And with me reminding her before we go that noone likes it. And me also offering to cook or bring food. It just has to be on purpose at this point, she's not massively forgetful elsewhere in life .. Exhausting woman.

Jealousy is a normal emotion, however, most parents do not feel jealousy towards very children. Most parents feel prideful and boastful about their child's achievement Do you think your mum is a bit narcissistic? Have you considered being low contact?

@tomkat81 She's very good at gardening, her own garden is so lovely. Literally been in local competitions/open gardens and stuff. I'm not very good at it, so she suggested coming over to trim it up and improve it.

Eegggh this makes me sad, that it must have been done on purpose. She is a good gardener! She would know not to cut it right at the ground, it was only the higher bits that needed trimming. At the time I was so shocked I just laughed it off 😌

@tomkat81 it's a clematis, not a tree bur sort of trailing vine thing. However it has a relatively substantial woody trunky bit being as old as it was, not a proper trunk as such but probably only an inch or inch and a half thick? She got through it somehow.

I suppose I am sort of low contact, without labelling it as such @Lavenderflower.
One short phone call a week (I phone her - in 22 years since I left home she hasn't once phoned me, but very much expects the weekly call) and maybe 5 visits a year, which I make sure are only one or two nights long. I live several hours away.

@tomkat81 I think we have crossed wires, the trunk isn't thick. It's about an inch thick in diameter, and woody but not actual wood like a tree 🙂

Golden child in my case was allowed long hair , I wasn't it had to be kept boy short . Golden child was allowed to live with her boyfriend, I wasn't . She was also given £1k as a leaving home gift .

Please don't use "Eeyore" as an insult to a narrow minded bitter and resentful person. Eeyore demonstrates none of the characteristics.
Eeyore is well accepted as being an example of a character with depression. He does not behave in the way described, and his friends love and include him just as they would if he were not depressed.
OP's mother is not like this because she's depressed. She's just like this.

I’ve read all your posts and I totally understand your POV as I have a mother like this also.
However, you sound so ANGRY, it just can’t be good for you.
You have said you can’t confront your mother in any way about this, I would suggest you do because one day she will be either dead or unable to understand you and you will have no closure.
I said my piece to my mother when she was in her 70’s, she of course dismissed and minimised everything I said, BUT I was heard. She now has dementia and is in a care home and I can visit her and be kind because all the anger has gone. I hope this helps.

I sound angry because this thread is solely about this subject and is an appropriate forum for it.
I've had therapy and have built a lovely life and am happy every day, thankfully. I don't walk around feeling angry.
Something happened recently which made me reflect again on her behaviour and it's brought it all back. But I mainly feel sad for her for not managing to be happier with her lot in life.
No, I won't be confronting her.

I get it-you’re not ready yet to lay your anger down, it’s a process. Blinded with anger and unwilling to listen. You don’t need to be so defensive, coming on here is not just about mindlessly venting-it’s also being open to other POV 🤔

You're being pretty rude to the OP @ZsaZsaTheCat and pretty tone deaf. OP is not asking for anyone to tell her what to do, or to do the opposite of her chosen response.

Tone deaf means you don’t understand which I do as I had the same situation and it’s not rude to talk frankly-sometimes it’s useful. I believe OP asked a question , to which I offered an answer.

You don't know anything about me and whether or not I have had similar experiences to the OP.

@RudeDogAndTheDweebs there is nothing wrong about being angry at the situation tbh.
And, at least in my case, that anger is usually the sign that I’ve been hurt again. So it’s not anger as such it’s the hurt and the sadness of things not being as they should be. Or as I’d hope they would be.

I agree with @ZsaZsaTheCat that finding a way to get rid of that anger is helpful. For yourself. Not because anger is bad. But because getting rid of that anger would come from a place of healing iyswim.
But I don’t think that a frank conversation would do the trick for me. Therapy is.

I’m not even talking about you-you’re rambling 🙄

Another voice saying therapy. And seeing her as little as you feel comfortable with - and information diet/grey rock. Mine's jealous/resentful of me, not as overt as yours though. When i went to counselling, I told the counsellor up front that I was not looking to confront my mum but to work on coping and my own feelings.

It's just mad to me to not be pleased and proud and just so content if your adult child has done ok.