Batshit Next Door Neighbour

[ineedastrongercoffee]

We've lived in our house 11 years. Next door neighbour was an elderly lady on her own, she eventually moved into a care home and the house was put on the market. Sadly she died during the house being sold so it's taking ages and ages for the sale to go through.

A few weeks ago her son turns up. I've never seen him in all the time we've lived there. He came asking to take some pictures of his mums house from our garden. He started crying and was clearly upset. I did allow him to take some pictures but it was mainly from our drive.

A few days ago he comes again and speaks to my husband. Again he got upset and said that he'd be back later in the day to take a video of the house, and could he take some more pictures now it was a sunny day. Husband thought he was a bit unhinged but agreed if it was just on our drive looking towards the house.

I was in my house on my own yesterday and again he knocked on the door. He's holding an empty water bottle, he asked if I would mind filling his water bottle as he wanted to take the water home with him (he lives in another city) and have a cup of tea made with him mum's water (next door neighbours have had the water turned off since the house went on the market).

Seriously how odd is this? I did agree but closed and locked the door whilst I fetched the water.

We're now getting a ring doorbell so if he knocks again I can bloody ignore it. I mean who does this?

I should add that I am certain that he is next door neighbours son, I was aware of the city he lived, his sister lives nearby too and he named them all in conversation.

Have some compassion, the guy is grieving and to accuse him of being unhinged is cruel.

TBH i think your a nosey neighbour you may know them by face and be friendly but you know nothing of the family really.
You come across as wanting to know to much about something that has nothing to do with you.
Its not you family none of your bees wax either.
Let the man be he came round a few times your acting as if hes there every day.

Instead of calling this man weir, I'd just be glad you're not in his position. Learn to assert boundaries (if you really must) in a kind way.

It just kinds of comes across quite mean spirited to make a spectacle of this man because...? He didn't see his mum regularly enough for you? He's not acting as men are supposed to act?

Just extend a bit of compassion at the end of the day

Sure I could understand if it was unique but it was just a standard 1930s semi detached! They were very insulted that new owners dared to redecorate!

You are going to get a door camera to identify someone who has been round three times over a period of weeks, and whose connection with the next door house is going to end when it is sold?

Someone is ‘batshit’ here, but it’s not this bloke.

I imagine he is grieving his mum. He sounds harmless.

He is probably overthinking things a bit with the photos etc. and maybe wants the photos for memories. Or he is just anxious about the house sale and wanting the best pictures.

None of this sounds like batshit behaviour at all to be honest, he just sounds like a grieving son

As much as we don't know about your grief, you don't know a thing about this man's grief. You've got no right to judge his reaction, and to believe you do is absolutely batshit. Have you considered you might be the batshit neighbour?

I'm with you OP.

Not so much the crying (although that's not something I would make the responsibility of complete strangers) - but the asking for water to take away and make a cuppa with. That's strange.

If you are friendly with her daughter do you have her contact details? You could ask her to check in on him.

You don't know the dynamics of his family. He is allowed to feel and express grief in any way he wants. If you'd come here saying you felt concerned or even irritated by his requests I'm sure people would have understood. But you went in with the 'batshit' comment immediately which is both cruel and unfair.

This.

Absolute genius reply.

Whilst having sympathy for this fellow's grief, he is making OP uncomfortable. So I think she is right, she should get the ring doorbell and ignore him.

I agree with others that he is grieving not unhinged, however, it isn't OP responsibility to continually humour him if it is making her feel uncomfortable. He does have a sister.

He didn't make OP uncomfortable though, she just got uncomfortable. There's a difference. He did nothing to cause it, it's just how she reacted. It's pretty callous TBH.

This is one of the reasons people struggle with mental health issues, because so many people can't tolerate anyone else having a strong emotion about anything. The son will be less likely to have a full on breakdown if people would just show him a scrap of kindness now and then during this difficult time.

He's knocked 3 times on different days with simple reasonable requests from the neighbors and has been unable to completely contain his grief. Big deal. He is grieving! And has to sell the house regardless, he can't just leave it until he feels better which could be months. He hasn't curled up in a foetal position on their lawn wailing and sobbing for hours on end, he hasn't come round several times per day. Why is he "batshit" because he's feeling emotional and has shed a few tears?

Maybe OP will understand one day when her husband dies and the majority she knows/comes across shuns her because they don't know what to say and feel awkward being around someone else's emotions.

That kind of behaviour is incredibly common even amongst those people consider to be friends and it shouldn't be, because it makes bereavement feel ten times harder than it needs to. If everyone was a tiny bit more compassionate the world would be a better place.

He's not expecting OP to chat with him about his mum, he's cried a couple of times whilst taking photos and shared one comment about how he wants to feel close to her to justify his request for water. It's hardly demanding or needy behaviour.

Maybe he's guilty he never visited? The guilt my Nan had over not having her dad over for what would be his last Christmas sent her into some kind of nervous breakdown when he passed.
Having worked with bereaved families I can confirm that grief and the complex emotions around it can make someone act very irrationally

OP, I think his behaviour is strange as well. The pressure to be kind shouldn't ever overcome your instincts that all may not be well.

The water thing is batshit - he wants to make a cup of tea with water from your house which has nothing to do with his mother ? That's not the same as simply asking to fill a water bottle.

The photos are also weird - the house isn't sold so why can't he just ask the estate agents for photos or take them from the street or his mum's garden ?

It's the context that makes it all unsettling. Ok, he might be out of his mind with grief but if that's causing irrational behaviour, that's not on. And if he is irrational all the more reason to keep your distance.

His grief or guilt is not down to you. You have given him access and water so you've done what's reasonable and if your instincts are causing you concern, listen to them.

Is the "water thing" down to how some places have different tasting water due to pipework, flouride etc?
I know that when I used to go to my beloved Nanna's in Edinburgh, her water tasted totally different to mine back home and I notice the same thing when we go to Wales.
Just an idea

It's weird. The OP hasn't met him in the decade she has lived next door to his mum. He wanted to make a cuppa with his mum's water so decided to use OP's as there was none in his mum's house. He may as well have waited till he got home.
All this constant knocking and taking photos is strange too...how many pictures can you have of the same house. I appreciate he's grieving but it is strange behaviour.

While I think grief can make people act out of character, I think it’s important not to overlook unsettling behaviour on the basis it must be grief. Because nobody knows that.
The whole thing sounds creepy.
Taking pictures from the OP’s garden is creepy. Taking pictures from his mother’s garden, fine. Entering the neighbour’s garden, absolutely not.

And wanting to make a cup of tea with his mum’s water when it wasn’t his mum’s water sounds like a badly thought out way to get even closer to the OP’s house.

Something about this doesn’t sit right and I would be vigilant.

My first thought is that there might be some type of fraud going on with the house, and he's trying to set himself to be seen as the innocent grieving son.

It’s entirely possible. Thing is, even if he is the son doesn’t mean he can’t also be a wrongun

but here we have posters berating the OP for not ignoring her gut instincts because grief overrides all. Except it doesn’t.

I wouldn’t have said he’s batshit. I actually think it’s more than that. He sounds sinister, and I think the op is right to get a ring doorbell.

😂😂😂😂

I would be wary. It seems odd that you never saw or met him in the decade you lived next to his mother.

Agree. Grief doesnt give you carte blanche to scare people and make them feel uncomfortable. I have lost both my parents and did not do that to others. I wouldnt be answering from now on.

I would ask him why does he have the time to keep dropping by now but you never saw him whilst his mother was alive!

He's buttering you up so you'll be nice to any potential buyers or his mothers house and he can trouser his share of the proceeds asap.