Batshit Next Door Neighbour

[ineedastrongercoffee]

We've lived in our house 11 years. Next door neighbour was an elderly lady on her own, she eventually moved into a care home and the house was put on the market. Sadly she died during the house being sold so it's taking ages and ages for the sale to go through.

A few weeks ago her son turns up. I've never seen him in all the time we've lived there. He came asking to take some pictures of his mums house from our garden. He started crying and was clearly upset. I did allow him to take some pictures but it was mainly from our drive.

A few days ago he comes again and speaks to my husband. Again he got upset and said that he'd be back later in the day to take a video of the house, and could he take some more pictures now it was a sunny day. Husband thought he was a bit unhinged but agreed if it was just on our drive looking towards the house.

I was in my house on my own yesterday and again he knocked on the door. He's holding an empty water bottle, he asked if I would mind filling his water bottle as he wanted to take the water home with him (he lives in another city) and have a cup of tea made with him mum's water (next door neighbours have had the water turned off since the house went on the market).

Seriously how odd is this? I did agree but closed and locked the door whilst I fetched the water.

We're now getting a ring doorbell so if he knocks again I can bloody ignore it. I mean who does this?

I should add that I am certain that he is next door neighbours son, I was aware of the city he lived, his sister lives nearby too and he named them all in conversation.

Asking for water so that he could make a cup of tea at home with his mothers water (when it’s actually the neighbours water anyway) is a bit strange. If he needed water there and then for a drink it would be entirely different. I think I’m in the minority of being able to see the OPs point of view though.
I can’t imagine everyone would be happy with a complete stranger constantly making requests of them like this in reality.

@ThisIsMyRubbishUsername I'm not saying I'd be thrilled about the constant requests from a stranger but I think most people are more shocked by the massive overreaction of calling him batshit. IMO batshit means crazy, illogical behaviour. There are very obvious and sensible reasons for him asking these things, it's ok for the op to find it a bit annoying but quite another to call him batshit.

I agree "batshit" sounds a bit harsh.

It sounds more like he is struggling with grief.

But unless he is putting out the windows, dancing naked round the garden or throwing bricks over the fence in the middle of the night I think batshit is maybe a bit over the top.

@ThisIsMyRubbishUsername yeah I can see why he made them uncomfortable, it can be awkward when someone is outwardly quite emotional.

I'm not seeing the 'batshit' here. Three visits over a period of weeks, two when he wanted to ask permission to take photos from your drive, once when he wanted a bottle of water as next door is no longer connected. He is who he says he is. He hasn't asked for anything unreasonable, or in fact done anything that required any input from you other than filling a water bottle. It's not as if he's there daily, or has set up a vigil on his mother's front doorstep.

Is it him crying that has disturbed you so much? Is this a British thing -- public tears taboo, even in the wake of a bereavement? I'm always a bit taken aback at the number of posters on here asking how not to cry at a funeral, or saying you can't take children to funerals in case they see their parents crying.

It's quite unusual behaviour but he's clearly grieving which can easily lead to strange behaviour. None of it comes close to the threshold for batshit though.
And, he's not even your next door neighbour? He's just a beneficiary of the estate of your ex next door neighbour.

I am not sure most folks would consider 3 requests in two weeks as constant, two were to photograph one for some water. You’d think he was camped out asking for chips the way you’re going on 😂

Don’t be guilted into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and trust your gut, better being a bit mean than in a scary situation. He is grieving and he does sound devastated, but I firmly believe you can be compassionate and kind while maintaining boundaries. Personally if I was you I’d send my partner to deal with him if I was feeling uncomfortable (he’s more sympathetic than me anyway).

Wow. How unkind. He probably wants some time to see the house a few more times before not seeing it again. He's probably cried a lot and needs a drink. Put yourself in his shoes. Grief is huge.

He sounds a bit much, I would be worried about repeated visits. My husband’s family are weirdly obsessed with their deceased parents old home. My sister in law was really upset when the new owner made updates (and in my opinion improvements) to the home. Some people’s emotions and subsequently grief is really intertwined with physical places.

I hope you dont feel his kind of pain anytime soon.
Its a awful feeling to have to go through.
In 2003 my sister had a car crash she was in icu for 2 weeks and broken her pelvis leg arm and ribs and her lung packed in she was 8 months pregnant.
When she came round she gave birth to a still born with a her leg strapped to a bed and a broken healing pelvis.
She would spend hours in her baby's room just sitting.
and many more hours at the grave to the point we had to go get her and force her home.
She would barr anyone coming to her home if they had a daughter.
She had no interest in anyone if they were pregnant.
Her partner left her 5 months later for OW.
She got back to her self but it took time a very long time.
Her words were I will never get over it but ill get better at coping.

I was pregnant at the time with my son the day of the crash i said i couldnt go
with her as i was feeling unwell when infact i was just so uneasy about something i didnt want to leave my home 4 hours later we got a call.
Everyone deals with death in their own way no one is batshit crazy when it comes to loss.

Think it depends how special the home is and how many memories they are.

Some homes are unique. One of my relatives had a very interesting home that we had to sell when they died. Then it got rented out and largely wrecked followed by being demolished !

It was sad to see it go, and some of my relatives used to have a bit of a sneaky walk round the more public areas/driveway (quite large) after it had been sold -not regularly but once every couple of years or so.

I am sure they would have apologised profusely and left if caught, but probably the whole encounter/activity would have looked a bit weird from another persons perspective. It's fairly easy though to spot the difference between some old people trying to recapture memories and a burglar.

He is grieving and so it’s absolutely normal to be crying when taking photos of his mums house.

The water is a bit odd but I would put it down to grief and be kind but have your boundaries.

My mum had a breakdown when her mum died and she was a nightmare with the neighbours (and everyone else).

He seems harmless at the moment and so just give him time and be kind and patient and hope that someone will give you the same when your parents die.
If he starts making you feel uncomfortable or he’s being cheeky then kindly but firmly reinforce your boundaries.

He sounds in the very raw stages of grief and desperately wants to hold onto anything that reminds him or connects him to mum, completely understandable. Perhaps his mum, spoke nicely of her neighbours to her family. I was an absolute wreck, when my dear MIL (better than a mum to me) died, honestly never thought I would stop crying, grief is painful.

I think the important point here is

I've never seen him in all the time we've lived there.

So perhaps OP is wondering if the son is genuine and where he has been for the past 11 years!!

But that would be none of her business?

Have you seen proof of identity, are you certain that he is who he says he is . If you have never seen him before and you have lived next door to his mother for 11 years he was clearly not a regular visitor . Why did he need photos of the house from your back garden? I would at the very least call the agents it is for sale with to confirm identity, identity theft using the recently deceased is not uncommon .

I’m with you and OP.

He wasn’t asking for water for the journey back, he was asking for it because he was going to make a cup of tea with ‘his mother’s water’ 😳

Also he’s hardly going to be grieving that much if he hasn’t been near or by his mother‘s house for at least the last 11 years!

@ClaudiaWankleman - But that would be none of her business?

But it might explain why she is concerned?? Don't you understand that?

If OP had seen the son regularly visiting his mum, she'd know who he was and she'd understand that he was grieving. Some bloke who just turns up after his mum has died, OP doesn't know him from Adam - how does she know he is who he says he is? And why is he grieving so much if he didn't see his mum for 11 years?? I know we don't know why this was the case, but it's odd.

Also he’s hardly going to be grieving that much if he hasn’t been near or by his mother‘s house for at least the last 11 years!

Probably the grief of guilt and regret.

Ok to clear a few things up, the passing of my next door neighbour is not recent, within the last year but not just a few weeks ago etc

I did used to speak to the neighbour regularly who did talk about her son and how infrequently he visited. I confess I haven't ever seen him visit but obviously there must have been times when he did. I know the neighbours daughter by name and am somewhat friendly with her.

I do probably agree with other posters who say that he is potentially full of regret, but turning up 3 times, 2 of them becoming very emotional is a little bit odd. I was very kind to him and did give him my sympathies but no I don't want this to become a regular occurrence.

The water thing did weird me out a bit, if he had wanted it for the journey home, whatever, but this felt like it was going way too far.

Grief does strange things to people. Have some compassion.

Firstly I'm very sorry for your sisters loss and her terrible injuries but you are making the assumption that I haven't experienced grief myself. I can assure you we have, including the passing of a much beloved nephew at 12 months old from SIDS

Me & my family have spent years getting over this but this situation is very very different to losing a child tragically and to compare the passing of a elderly lady who had a very fulfilled life to the death of a child is just wrong.

You're now trying to justify your abhorrent judgement of this man by saying that he has no right to be upset as by your reckoning he didn't visit often.

You have absolutely no idea. Are you in their family? What you have written is hideous beyond belief. I hope he never knocks your door again as you're awful.

Poor man. Grief is awful.