How do you not cry at a funeral?

[AllTheMiniEggs]

I need to attend a funeral next week with my DS(18). He's been very upset and has shed a few tears. Every time I see him cry I get upset too.

He wants me to go with him which I'm happy to do, but how on earth do you stop yourself from crying at a funeral?

It is fine to cry but make sure you have lots of tissues - nothing is worse than being all wet and snotty and sniffy without any way of clearing yourself up.

Cry. It's allowed.

Wailing hysterically if you don't really know them, not so much.

Like most people, I can't see any reason to stop yourself from crying.
If I have understood it correctly, you are going to the funeral of a young person ? That is a terribly sad situation even if you didn't know him that well.
It is expected that people will be crying, and can see no reason to try and stop that from happening.
I presume you wouldn't be wailing loudly, so it isn't going to distract from anyone or anything.
Go and shed whatever tears come naturally.

I do know it's normal to cry at a funeral, but I'd feel like a fraud somehow, compared to his family and friends who are actually suffering a loss. I can't really explain it. I just feel like I don't have the right to get upset.

I think any family member would forgive you for this and wouldn't consider you a fraud.

I once went to the funeral of a 16 year old girl who'd died of ovarian cancer. She was a friend of my sister. The whole thing was desperately sad, and me and my Mum cried even though we didn't know her very well.

I also recently attended the funeral of my 95 year old neighbour. Didn't imagine I'd get terribly upset, but I saw his grandson was one of the pallbearers, and it set me off before we had even gone in. My other neighbour had to leave as she was so upset. She had just lost her own Mum the previous week, and it brought all of her own grief out.

I think that's the thing with funerals. It's a shared grief of the person who has died, a reminder of others we have lost and a stark reminder of our own mortality.

As others have said, wailing is entirely different.

@IFollowRivers firstly, you do you. If you want to cry do.

My dad’s funeral was a few weeks ago. Dad believed that funerals were celebrations of life, so I knew he would have hated me to cry.

As I organised the funeral, and did a eulogy I played every piece of music, hymn, prayer and reading over and over again to desensitise myself the day before. It worked

Since the funeral I have heard some of the music and have cried.

only offer this advise in case you change your mind.

I hope your farewell to your dad is as you want it to be 💐

Last week I attended the funeral of an old school friend. She was poorly for a while, but it was still a shock when she died, as it wasn’t terminal. The most upsetting part for me was watching the coffin being carried by other school friends, that broke me. I was so conscious that I would draw attention to myself howling with anguish that I stopped breathing properly and nearly fainted. God, what a bloody show I would have made of myself! Sorry that you are going through this, my only advice is not to stop breathing, sorry.

It’s a funeral OP. Tears are totally normal. I was unable to cry for 6 months after my beloved gran died, even at her funeral, but I so wish I could have.

Thank you all so much.

Don't want to say too much but the deceased isn't DS's age, they are too young to have passed, but have grown up DC of their own. My DS thought the world of him but I've only had a couple of brief conversations with them.

My DS and his DS were good friends and something they used to do together is going to be read out during the eulogy which will be really hard.

I absolutely won't weep and wail, and will definitely try to remember to breathe (!) I just really want to avoid loud noisy sobs. You know the ones that are a bit like hiccups?

I'll take everything on board, I remember counting backwards in french at a funeral once. And making a shopping list in my head sounds boring which is just the thing.

I really appreciate all the advice 🙏

I'm with those who say crying is normal and healthy. Better to be present and listening (and crying) than trying to disassociate. Imagine a funeral with no one showing emotion. That would be weird.

You’re human, OP. It’s okay to cry when we feel sad and it’s okay that your son will be sad along side you ❤️

Boiled sweets to suck on, trick I got from a funeral director. I attend a lot, occupational hazard as i work for the church but i can't show too much emotion unless they are a truly close friend as well, i need to keep professional so I discreetly suck on a sweet.

I have left a couple of times because it was too much for even the sweet trick, I struggle with young people or those with small children, I'm not a robot!

It's ok to cry at a funeral.

It's strange, my DH died young and I didn't shed one tear at his funeral (many afterwards) I think partly shock and partly I felt all eyes were on me, expecting me to wail and sob, which made me stoic and do the opposite. However, I've been to many funerals since of people I don't even know all that well (friends of now DH for eg) and felt it very upsetting and battled not to cry as people might think I'm odd as wasn't close to the deceased! Basically- don't worry what others think like I've done. Someone's life has come to an end, it's sad, and if you feel like crying, just cry 💐