How do you not cry at a funeral?

[AllTheMiniEggs]

I need to attend a funeral next week with my DS(18). He's been very upset and has shed a few tears. Every time I see him cry I get upset too.

He wants me to go with him which I'm happy to do, but how on earth do you stop yourself from crying at a funeral?

I did that at my mum's funeral. She's been gone almost 30 years now, but I cry when I start talking about her.

I bit the inside of my lip hard at my mums funeral and tongue to the roof of my mouth. Zoned out a bit too

@AllTheMiniEggs You don’t stop yourself. It is (usually) a very sad occasion, and it is normal to be emotional. We are going to a friend’s memorial service Saturday and I know I am going to cry, and that’s okay.

I dissociate at funerals, focus on the process.

Crying is a healthy part of the grieving/healing process. Don't fight it.

have a few glasses of wine before you go x

Biting your bottom lip does help but not once you’ve already started. Then there’s nothing you can do

Look up, it’s hard to cry looking up.

As @Lesina suggests, I find pinching the webbing between my thumb and hand quite effective. However, I don’t normally bother at a funeral, I just have a cry. It normalises it for your DS as well. Hope it goes as well as these things can.

Funerals I’ve been to where I or the deceased closest loved ones didn’t cry were because they had a complicated relationship, couldn’t break down because they had caring responsibilities of young children or elderly parents, they were still in shock or the deceased had been ill for a long time and the loved ones had been grieving for a while already.

You can cry. You can even ugly cry. If you just ugly cry though, try to do it out of sight of the direct family members. Give yourself a minute to break down, usually as the closest loved ones leave the cremation/grave side. Then get yourself together, take a deep breath and talk to the family. Keeping it inside is hard when you have to talk to the family. If your son needs it, encourage the bugger crying out of sight of the family, then regroup. If you cry with him, you cry with him. It’s comforting to feel you aren’t alone sometimes and your pain is recognised.

I had to do this. Dh's relative's funeral and 2 of his cousins have SEN. Their mum and dad were involved in the funeral and they asked me if I could look after them but I couldn't cry because it would send them into meltdown. It was hard but I did it. Make lists in your head of food, places, celebrities etc beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Have a really funny joke or funny bit of a film to think about. Don't look at the coffin or at anyone else because if you see someone else cry it might set you off.

Cry if you have to. I cried more watching funerals online and at a funeral for a colleague's wife that I had met once than I did at close family funerals, and I've been at a lot of them.

If you're really stuck I find pinching one hand with the nails of the other works a treat!

It’s OK to cry.

To try and contain your emotions my best trick has already been mentioned - polos. Concentrate on the hole, make 1 last as long as possible. Or you can try zoning out, listing things in alphabetical order for example.

You just have to completely dissociate. Like a previous poster, I have sung songs in my head, done diction exercises I learned in drama school in my head, counted things I can see in the room (colours, candles, letters etc.). Anything to distract yourself. Don’t listen to the eulogies. Try and get there at a time where you won’t have to socialise with people before hand. For all the people saying to just cry, there are times when you can’t or simply don’t want to break down at a funeral.

Oh, and take a Xanax before hand! That also has worked for me!

Tongue on the roof of your mouth hard never fails me and if I feel a sob coming I take slow deep breathes. I’ve not been to funeral where I didn’t cry at little though as seeing other people’s grief sets me off even if I wasn’t close to the person

It is normal to cry at a funeral.

Im the opposite at any funeral i dont cry i feel a little sad but i just dont cry.
It strange.

Exactly
My son and male cousin both cried at their granddads funeral.
Its totally normal and healthy.

You don't need to stop yourself crying. Crying at a funeral is natural.

It's a funeral. You are allowed to cry so don't worry about it. Just do it quietly without huge loud wailing and sobbing and it will be fine.

Look up and do shopping lists for menu planning in my head.

The only funerals I don’t cry at are the ones where I don’t have any strong feelings towards the person who died.

It’s completely natural to cry at a funeral for someone you care about.

I'm going to my Dads funeral at the end of the week and giving the eulogy. I fully intend to let myself cry the whole way through if that is how I am feeling at that moment.

There's no shame in crying. Let your DS see your tears and it may help him release his too. It's not good to bottle up the emotions.

Thanks all so much.

Some great tips here. I didn't really know the deceased very well but seeing other people get upset always sets me off and I just want to be strong for my DS. He'll feature in the eulogy so I need to be there for him.

Distraction seems to be the best technique, and I've never tried the roof on the tongue thing so will definitely try that.

Good idea regarding not looking at the coffin and trying to disassociate myself from it all.

I do know it's normal to cry at a funeral, but I'd feel like a fraud somehow, compared to his family and friends who are actually suffering a loss. I can't really explain it. I just feel like I don't have the right to get upset.