Just me with the shit DH?

[namechangecosiwantedto]

I'm here for a whinge, because why not?

DH is at times, a bit shit, and it gets me down. Up until a couple of years ago I was a SAHM. I supported him through his career by at times bringing up the DC alone whilst he was away, acting like a performing seal whilst trying to cook tea, make sure the boys weren't about to kill each other, you get the drift. Usual parenting joy.

Roll on now, and I'm working, not full time so I do more than my fair share of house/teen stuff, but am also working now. Yet to DH, it's almost like I've taken on a hobby, like my job isn't important, I'm having a bit of fun - which I am, I love it, but it's also very stressful (work in Addiction recovery)

An example of where he's crap - tonight I had a late zoom meeting. I told him in advance and said that he'd need to sort tea, was that ok - Yes. However, that was tea for himself and DS. His face when I checked he'd bunged something in the oven for me "I didn't know what you'd want!". He would have starved if I hadn't used my noggin to prepare him food over the last 18 years. Why can't he just think that maybe sorting tea would include something for me? Disclaimer - he knew I'd be finished on the call by the time his dinner was cooked, so no excuse that he wasn't sure id be finished.

It's just always the same, can't possibly think outside of the box, and I think it's because I've spent a long time holding us all up so he never has to think. If I dropped dead tomorrow, there's a lot he would be clueless about.

But being blunt about it now, I feel shit. Shit that I'm fed up being not thought about, my job seeming to not be deemed important (there are other things that I mean about that) . I know I've made a rod for my own back, I shouldn't have been a SAHM for so long, then maybe he'd see us as equals.

I can't say anything to him, he is the king of sulking if he thinks I'm having a go.I just want him to think sometimes - about me.

I'm just feeling a bit sad.

Anyone else with a DH like that?!

Absolutely the same. I'm the mug who has put up with it for 40 years though.

I have a toddler with me so I'll answer quickly but I'll be back with more resources.

Op there is a recovery journey for this and you want to outsource as much help as possible. It's not your job to train him or literally grow him up. But the issue is that its bigger than him. You have children. Breaking cycles needs him on board to break this too. If you do divorce far better to do it once he is already on his recovery journey to being a better human.

First step is he has to be aware there is an issue. His friends will not help. Any comparison to anyone else that society deems normal will not help. Because the bar is so low for men.
He wants to be looking at women for inspiration but men don't do this. So he needs to hear from other men telling him he had a issue.

there are lots of podcasts and books on this.
Ted bunch the man box is one I'll be back to add more.

How is his emotional intelligence op? Can he describe what he feels to a good depth or would you say he is immature and working from a real deficit in that area? Does he have empathy?

I predominantly counsel sex addicts who undergo an integrity recovery alongside their recovery to stay sober. The by product is they learn skills nd awareness society doesn't expect men to have but it absolutely does of women.

I'll be back...

Don’t want to be NAMALT at all but this is not normal in my experience. My own my friends and parents and sisters DHs more than pull their weight. Most couples we know work in a team if you are both working one of you shouldering everything else is totally unjustifiable and utterly unfair.

These men can’t have it all. If your wife brings in a wage you divide everything else. When I stopped being a sahm Dh said he wasn’t able to pull his weight with cleaning so he hired and sourced and paid for a team of cleaners (usually men) to
come every Friday. Dh is a laundry whizz but a very good if slow cook so he only does that at weekends.

If I had spoken to my STBX like that he’d have hit the roof.

If a man expected me to skivvy for him and did fuck all for me then I would “hit the roof”. Why are some women so meek?

I think he's inconsiderate of you, but worse is the sulking if you mention it. That's punishing you for pulling him up in it. Not pleasant.

You claim he 'doesn't know what to do' or won't 'think outside the box'. He just lazy. If he actually cared, he'd put the effort in.