Just me with the shit DH?

[namechangecosiwantedto]

I'm here for a whinge, because why not?

DH is at times, a bit shit, and it gets me down. Up until a couple of years ago I was a SAHM. I supported him through his career by at times bringing up the DC alone whilst he was away, acting like a performing seal whilst trying to cook tea, make sure the boys weren't about to kill each other, you get the drift. Usual parenting joy.

Roll on now, and I'm working, not full time so I do more than my fair share of house/teen stuff, but am also working now. Yet to DH, it's almost like I've taken on a hobby, like my job isn't important, I'm having a bit of fun - which I am, I love it, but it's also very stressful (work in Addiction recovery)

An example of where he's crap - tonight I had a late zoom meeting. I told him in advance and said that he'd need to sort tea, was that ok - Yes. However, that was tea for himself and DS. His face when I checked he'd bunged something in the oven for me "I didn't know what you'd want!". He would have starved if I hadn't used my noggin to prepare him food over the last 18 years. Why can't he just think that maybe sorting tea would include something for me? Disclaimer - he knew I'd be finished on the call by the time his dinner was cooked, so no excuse that he wasn't sure id be finished.

It's just always the same, can't possibly think outside of the box, and I think it's because I've spent a long time holding us all up so he never has to think. If I dropped dead tomorrow, there's a lot he would be clueless about.

But being blunt about it now, I feel shit. Shit that I'm fed up being not thought about, my job seeming to not be deemed important (there are other things that I mean about that) . I know I've made a rod for my own back, I shouldn't have been a SAHM for so long, then maybe he'd see us as equals.

I can't say anything to him, he is the king of sulking if he thinks I'm having a go.I just want him to think sometimes - about me.

I'm just feeling a bit sad.

Anyone else with a DH like that?!

Sulking is absolutely pathetic.

Anyone in our house attempting it gets called “sulkypants” and gets thoroughly laughed at.

Little huffy sad face not actually adult enough to use their words. No truck with that at all.

Please sit down with him and tell him how this behaviour makes you feel and think. And if he strops out and sulks then tell him how badly that makes you feel, and that it’s not acceptable to behave like that.

Whats the point of being a giver when he doesn’t value you and never reciprocates? It’s soul destroying. It’s like you are raising a man child who doesn’t appreciate you, but just takes.

Most importantly, your son is watching this dynamic between the 2 of you. Children learn how to behave in relationships, by observing their parent’s own relationship.

But very clearly you do need to tell him because very clearly he doesn’t understand!!

So him not being made to feel mortified, trumps your right to be seen and to be heard? How is that right?

I completely get your frustration. You really do need to sit down and have a conversation about this if you want to stay married, or it will drive you nuts. I think you do need to accept that he is not good at knowing what you want. That is easily solved if you are both willing though, with better communication. For example on this occasion, he just needed to ask what he could do for you, when you mentioned he'd nee to do dinner. As far as not valuing your job, that is not on, and again, is something you need to talk about. At the moment it all sounds solvable, but only if both sides are willing.

Of course it is. All I’m saying is, as “abuse” goes, it’s at the milder end of the scale. Some of us grew up w very dysfunctional parents/families, and if sulking is the only
little residue of that left, that’s isn’t so bad. I think sometimes people on here live in some idealized world where no one around them ever have negative psychological traits…it doesn’t seem real to me, a bit holier than though and not realistic…I know a lot of people from many walks of life and while some grew up w healthier behaviors around them than others, I don’t know many (if any?) who never put a foot wrong, as it sometimes seems from
replies on MN is the norm

This. You're both currently raising the next generation of misogynists, when they follow your example.
Inform your shit husband that it's currently not enjoyable being married to him, he's not honouring or cherishing you or behaving in any way lovingly. How does he plan to change this for the next 5 decades?
Also inform him that you will not tolerate a sulker, it's vile.

Yes, try to put your discomfort to the side and tell him open and honestly how it makes you feel.

Can sympathise, mine can be a complete muppet at times. These days if I am in the office, for housework I leave DH a list with very specific instructions and bless him he does them. If I am not very specific he seems to be paralysed with uncertainty and so won't do the chore. This only seems to be for things inside the house, outside he just cracks on and is very imaginative.

I'm sure it's something genetic from the caveman era of humanity.

@TheNoonBell how depressing. Why not raise your standards?

I wouldn't have any problem with a tosser like this going into a sulk. So what? At least it's a start to him realising how shit he actually is.

See the massive strops and sulks as a necessary step to him understanding why you have left the total nohoper

@FineWordsButterNoParsnips I've tried training him but he resorts to muppetry when it comes to chores. As most of his friends are actually worse, I don't think I'm too badly off.

His best mate says to his wife that he will do things and then just doesn't bother.

I always wonder how bad and selfish a husband has to be before a wife stops using the utterly stupid "D" before the H.

I started to engineer the disconnecting from my ex when someone made a casual remark about him being ill and my having to look after him or us growing old together and how did I see that working out.

I'm married to DH now and we have both been ill and have looked after each other. I have no issue with us getting old together. I have seen him through three terrible illnesses.

Resentment would have been immediate if I had to look after or get old with my ex.

This is just shocking. 'My bar is this low but my friends are on the floor, so it's fine.' Why, why, why? Why are so many women is our society tolerating these shit embarrassing men? Why not rather be single? Because the problem is accepting it, means your children are role modelled it, and thus this misogyny cycle goes on.

@arethereanyleftatall The positives far outweigh the negatives. He is crap at chores but he is:

Hard worker
Good planner
Great cook
Loving hubby
Great company
My rock when things go bad as nothing phases him (except chores)
My protector (when I had some trouble with animal rights crazies at my work who followed me home and when I was randonly attacked at a festival)

Most importantly he is my best friend and I love him to bits even though he drives me crazy sometimes. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else or alone.

These type of discussions and comments are not helpful to the OP or anyone actually in an unequal relationship. It’s a bit like being very well off a looking down your nose at someone poorer and going “why don’t you raise your standards?” Quite American pull yourself up by your bootstraps and if you’re not able to that’s all your own problem fault thing.
in the real world, most people mimic their parent’s relationship. Yes some
people for various reasons manage to move on from inherited dynamics and inter generational patterns/(perhaps even trauma) but most don’t and that’s very understandable. If you’re one of the many women who’ve married a man who’s a typical specimen of the patriarchal society, of course you can choose to ditch him
and go it alone or look for someone better, that’s a very viable and acceptable option, but it’s not possible for everyone. What is acceptable to people is up to them, bar actual abuse, and this does not sound like that.

OP, be gentle and compassionate with yourself and don’t blame yourself or pay attention to these types posts which are designed to make you feel even worse about yourself. Try to find your inner strength and make your own judgements of what is bad enough for you to leave and what may yet be salvaged. Be firm on your boundaries and insist he pulls his weight and see if he is able to change. Many men were raised shit and while it’s no woman’s job to make up for that, it also means many are able to change and grow if given the chance. Not all, but many. Not all of us were lucky enough to grow up with families which taught us healthy dynamics and this doesn’t mean you should be kicking yourself for choosing the wrong man or giving up on your partner at the drop of a hat because some privileged and condescending mumsnetter tells you to

@Goldfishonabike you're clogging up the thread with several posts that could maybe have just been one. Rude of you to tell OP to ignore good advice. And nope, there is no excuse for sulkers. It's not ok or normal. Per many other replies.

I agree.

What is the actual advice given? I only see a judgmental attitude and no actual advice. But I leave that to the OP to make up her mind about, perhaps making her feel like she’s a looser is actually really helpful to her..outta here and won’t be clogging up thread anymore

This is a lovely answer. I'm happy for you! So often on these threads, the men don't seem to have anything positive to bring, so it's great to hear some do.

I think if he would listen to me saying how it makes me feel, he'd be mortified, but I just feel like I shouldn't have to tell him.

Tell him, strongly, each and every time.

If he doesn't change, divorce him.

He's lazy selfish disrespectful and doesn't care about you. Not acceptable. Raise your standards

@arethereanyleftatall Thanks, I went from a bit pissed off at the start of the thread to all mushy about DH having typed that. He is going to get a big hug when he gets home which will probably confuse him!

One of the many comments (& increasing selfishness, and lack of empathy/ support) that led to me ending my long marriage was an offhand comment made by my ex to one of his family members. He basically said something about me being responsible for our kids (many) activities because 'I didn't work, well not really'. At this point I had been working 32 hours/ week (compressed hours so I could do the daily school run! so effectively f/t) for several years since kids started school whilst literally doing everything at home. It made it very clear how he saw, or rather, didn't see me. No subsequent awareness or empathy when challenged about this either as he had the 'important' job that I had facilitated over many years at a cost to my own once shining career. He had a shock when he found himself divorced and fending for himself for the first time in his adult life....