Just me with the shit DH?

[namechangecosiwantedto]

I'm here for a whinge, because why not?

DH is at times, a bit shit, and it gets me down. Up until a couple of years ago I was a SAHM. I supported him through his career by at times bringing up the DC alone whilst he was away, acting like a performing seal whilst trying to cook tea, make sure the boys weren't about to kill each other, you get the drift. Usual parenting joy.

Roll on now, and I'm working, not full time so I do more than my fair share of house/teen stuff, but am also working now. Yet to DH, it's almost like I've taken on a hobby, like my job isn't important, I'm having a bit of fun - which I am, I love it, but it's also very stressful (work in Addiction recovery)

An example of where he's crap - tonight I had a late zoom meeting. I told him in advance and said that he'd need to sort tea, was that ok - Yes. However, that was tea for himself and DS. His face when I checked he'd bunged something in the oven for me "I didn't know what you'd want!". He would have starved if I hadn't used my noggin to prepare him food over the last 18 years. Why can't he just think that maybe sorting tea would include something for me? Disclaimer - he knew I'd be finished on the call by the time his dinner was cooked, so no excuse that he wasn't sure id be finished.

It's just always the same, can't possibly think outside of the box, and I think it's because I've spent a long time holding us all up so he never has to think. If I dropped dead tomorrow, there's a lot he would be clueless about.

But being blunt about it now, I feel shit. Shit that I'm fed up being not thought about, my job seeming to not be deemed important (there are other things that I mean about that) . I know I've made a rod for my own back, I shouldn't have been a SAHM for so long, then maybe he'd see us as equals.

I can't say anything to him, he is the king of sulking if he thinks I'm having a go.I just want him to think sometimes - about me.

I'm just feeling a bit sad.

Anyone else with a DH like that?!

DH has stepped up on the house stuff since a sabbatical from work turned into not going back and I work 45 hrs in a physical job. He's also stepped up on the pick up/drop off/take to swimming etc but I still have a large part of th mental admin of the having kid and dogs. Even if he goes to the vet appointment, chances are I booked it. Even if he buys th medicine as child may have worms, I've told him what it needs to be.

But at least I come home to a meal being cooked for me etc and don't need to rush via after school club.

But it did take best part of 20years to get him to write stuff on the board that needs buying (works better now he's doing that) and cannot for love nor money get him to work out where th dogs have been and pick it up before the robot lawnmower (he does, to be fair have really shit eyesight, excuse the pun) or distinguish a weed from a garden plant. Nor can I get him to plan his week to take stuff to the charity shop not just bag it up.

If you want a smart home device setting up, or a gym in th garage though, he's your man.

And woe betide us all if he gets distracted on a project and loses track of time....

Due to our erratic working hours between me dh and adult dd and a teen out eating habits aren't conventional.

I try three times a week to make meals we all eat and then the other days we have stuff in for everyone to make what each person wants.

We've been throwing away out of date stuff more lately as teen dd and adult dd have been out of the house a lot in the evenings etc.

Dh will happily tuck into a microwave meal as his working pattern means he eats earlier.

He made a shitty comment yesterday about how much we've thrown out this past week.
I replied to say i agree and it's frustrating etc.

I said we aren't going shopping till we've all sat together and decided on a meal plan between us all so we don't waste food and his reply was well I'm easy as il eat micro meals.

I stared at him open mouthed and angrily told him so his attitude of I'm alright jack will apply to all the stuff I do for everyone him included so from now on he can do his own admin,his own washing ironing etc and we will rota who feeds the dogs

I was really cross

He did a fish impression for a second while what he said sank in and I reminded him he lives with his family and I work more hours than him some weeks so why is it all left to me

I then went to get the clean washing basket from the laundry and saw he'd taken his work clothes out of it but not taken it upstairs or piled any of the other washing in it.

I sorted mine and the kids and then took the basket back downstairs with his washing in it and left it there.

Ten mins later he apologised and admitted he didn't give anyone else a second thought as I always do that until I pointed out what a shittybattitude it was to have and he understood and apologised.

Op you need to call him out and ask him if he thinks it's ok to not give you a second thought?
Tell him for future reference what's good for the goose is good for the gander and I literally would down tools

Yes I agree it’s shit and unfair and I’m not loving having to “retrain” my DH. But in the end, at least as things are for me now, I prefer that option to divorce. Maybe if we keep fighting and raise better sons, our daughters will have to fight less. Already many of us have better and more equal relationships than our parent’s generation so things are slowly getting better, we are evolving as a human race.
of course some men are beyond improvement and should be binned for sure, but I think it’s best to give it a shot to call them out in shit behaviour and stand firm on your boundaries before you call it a day

To everyone who has responded saying 'mine is shit too'...

Ladies - these are selfish, lazy, self absorbed men who are using you, exploiting your kindness and oestrogen fuelled desire to keep the family together. Of course they can do it, their dick doesn't prevent them, and one day when you wake up and divorce, they will do it then. But until you do, why bother? You'll do it for them and they can carry on with their easier life.

'He needed the practice'

Fantastic, fantastic line. Will be using this on on all threads where the DPs fail to do basic things! They need the practice!

Don’t you ever sulk? I sometimes do. Maybe we’re both abusive then. Think recently the term abuse is being thrown around a bit too lightly. Where are al these people who never argue, never sulk, always stay calm etc., so no wrong? Surely this isn’t real life..sulking a lot or all the time may be abusive but only is part of a bigger pattern of shouting, name calling, gaslighting etc.

It's very hard to manage in my experience because in my case Dh thinks he does other stuff so the food is my remit.
But my point is that food is every single day and needs thinking about and shopping for and planning and making and then washing up. He will help by putting things to "soak".
I'm ground down and just trudge along. We don't get on that well but I don't know if strong enough or rich enough to leave.
Thing is I am not a perfect housewife and work full time myself too. If I was tidy and perfect I could challenge him but he's always got a come back of "well I clear up your washing in the bathroom " (when I drop my pyjamas after a shower. That annoys him so are we therefore equally annoying ? I may be a problem too

Honestly op l have worked since dd was 18 months and it doesn't matter how busy l am at work (in a school), he genuinely believes he always has a harder day. Every so often, l lose my shit and remind him l have got a job too and it is as important to me as his jov is to him which brings him back down to earth but it annoys the life out of me.
You're not alone

No i don't. There's no point to sulking unless you are trying to manipulate others.

I agree with others that there are several problems here.

The first is that he just doesn't think of you as a person like him. Someone who needs to eat, sleep, etc. He doesn't actually conceive of you as fully human.

No doubt many will recoil from this analysis, way too radical and dramatic - but that IS essentially what it boils down to. He doesn't see you and he as being in the same category.

The second is that he finds 'care' beneath him. He is happy for you to be his domestic support human , and his career has been possible because you fulfilled that role. He is not happy to undertake even the absolute minimum of domestic care for you. He knows that it feels good to have it done for himself, but he's not prepared to reciprocate, because that would diminish him, because that is essentially 'being a woman', and a woman is a lesser category of human.

Finally, as others have said - the sulking. This is manipulative and abusive. He is warning you not to pull him up on his (seen in the round, abusive) behaviours because you will be punished with an unbearable living situation. He knows that after a few times, you'll give up. You won't want the children to see it, for one thing (he doesn't care if they do).

Leave him. Men like this are much, much more shitty and abusive, when you analyse it thus, than society will admit. I'd say the majority of men have some if not most of these traits, and if we women were allowed to see it simultaneously society would fucking collapse.

It isn't your fault he's shit. But you don't have to put up with it. You don't have to stay

He’s selfish. Plain and simple. I was a SAHP and even then there’s no way my DH would have done dinner and not made me some. Even if he’s making a cup of tea, he’ll ask if I want one. It’s just basic manners.

It’s not you OP, it’s him.

Agree with those saying if you want to stay with him, call him out on it every time. Yes it’ll be miserable at first but it’s the only way you’ll get your point across.

You being a stay at home mum has nothing to do with how your husband treats you.

He doesn't value you, he never has. He has no consideration for you and he never will. He sulks when you confront him because he can't be bothered to work on your relationship or examine his own behaviour. I can't even get my head around the fact that your husband didn't even think to make something for you to eat. In my world, that's just unbelievable. That is the ultimate example of how little he thinks of you.

What an absolute fucking waste of your life to spend one more minute with him. You should want more for yourself that this shit, and being single would be a massive improvement.

Say it louder for those in the back 🙌🏻

Same

Well, of course perfect women deserve perfect men!
jokes aside, I get your point that many men (including the OP’s) are selfish and badly raised. My point wasn’t that women should put up with being treated badly, but that, before going to the auto pilot MN conclusion, divorce!!! That it may be worth looking at what can be done to improve the situation before pulling out the big guns.
PS: this is a definition of abuse
https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/abuse.html#:~:text=Abuse%20means%20treating%20someone%20with,could%20be%20all%20of%20these.

I’m curious as to why he didn’t cook for you as well, is this the very first time he’s EVER had to prepare dinner?

the sulking is immature behaviour. Ignore it completely and talk to him in a non-accusatory manner (cos no one likes to be told off)

re your job, be assertive and make sure you slowly but surely get him to understand it is important and not a hobby

my DH is great, clever, etc, BUT when it comes to cooking (he doesn’t enjoy it) I need to give him instructions/ideas based on what ingredients we have. I’m fine with that. He now cooks 2 or 3 times a week. Up until 3 years ago it was me cooking everyday and I put a stop to it. But you need discuss things calmly!

My DH will do anything but still needs the odd prod. I grew up in a spotless showhome and he grew up with parents that are hoarders. I mean not only was everything put away it had to be neat inside that cupboard. Whereas at his Mums house you have to move stuff to be able to do stuff. I hate going to her house, he also finds it stressful.

If anyone is cooking dinner in this house and someone isn’t here, usually DS then it’s still always done for everyone and a plate kept. I think what he did is very thoughtless.

I'm vegetarian, so to cook something for me alongside him/DS he has to put thought in - however that was minimal last night as his meal was easily adaptable. Whilst I'm veggie, I'm really not fussy and he knows that. If I can't easily adapt what the meat eaters are having, I'm always happy with an omelette etc, so easy to cater for. I would have been happy if he said he'd put in some chips for me, would I be happy to sort out an omelette to go with them - but he didn't, he'd only put in enough chips for him and DS.

I just find it tough how he doesn't look outside of the box. He hasn't adapted to the fact that I'm now working and he might need to do what I've done all these years whilst he's worked late etc

He doesn't really care about you is what comes across. You're just there to service his needs and keep the house nice. That's not a partnership. What would you like? Where do you see yourself in five / ten years?

It's not that he thinks he shouldn't have to cook for me, he often cooks on a Sunday and knows to adapt something for me. It's that if I'm not there to say/show him what I'd like, his go to is to say he didn't know what I'd want. Like he's incapable of opening the freezer and having a look. If I paid myself everytime I just had to wing it over the years, id have a fortune!

He's like it also with supermarket shopping/buying birthday or Christmas presents for me . If I don't be specific, or the items don't jump in the trolley, then it doesn't happen. I'm the least fussy person I know, very low maintenance when it comes to presents, but he'd say he's clueless.

He just doesn't realise how it makes me feel, like I'm not worth the effort. As I said earlier in the thread, I'm a real giver, I take great delight in sorting presents etc, so to have no thought put into me, it's hurtful.

I think if he would listen to me saying how it makes me feel, he'd be mortified, but I just feel like I shouldn't have to tell him. I would absolutely 100% guarantee that it's not that he thinks he shouldn't have to cook my dinner, like that's my job, he just really has issues with not know what to do, so his default is to not do it. Which pisses me off.

It's basic, it's the jobs I've done for years with no one there telling me what to do!

Terrible. And sulking is unacceptable in the over 6s.

I honestly don't know! We get on so we'll generally, and he works bloody hard for the family, but he does have bits about him that I find hard to look past

No, sulking is actually really bad. It’s isolating and causes doubt in the other person. It’s a very immature and baneful tactic. If something goes wrong than adults need to talk to each other, to make it clear what has/is upsetting them, because the other person is not a mind reader and probably doesn’t have the time to deal with toddler type behaviour. It’s actually a really shit way of treating someone.