Boyfriend trying to improve me - controlling?

[KeiraKnightley2]

I've been with boyfriend for nearly 5 months. He has autism and is in a high flying career, with a perfectionist mindset. I also have similar but limit to myself and not my expectations of others.

Yesterday he said he noticed I don't drink much water. Seemed an odd comment. The truth is I've been drinking a lot less water and thinking 'I need to start drinking more again'. But that's my business. He then told me how much I need every day as an adult...

I was annoyed that he was telling me what to do so I said 'Im not going to be critiqued, please drop it.'

I also have a mild lactose intolerance which means I don't eat much dairy but when I do have ice cream or cheese I (happily) suffer for a few hours. Again, my decision. Last night he brought me tablets to counteract this and said 'you should take this before we have dinner'

To be clear I just feel a bit unwell, it's not like I'm stinking out the toilet etc. I'm over 30 and a fully matured adult. Is it just me or this tip of the iceberg stuff?

Well, he could just be trying to help. Early days but it sounds more like he's just not good at noticing where your boundaries are.

Whether he's controlling or not I guess depends if he complies with your request for him to mind his own business.

I think he sounds quite caring! Sounds like run of the mill couples chats to me!

I think he sounds lovely and caring.

He sounds quite sweet but I can understand how it might irritate you! 😂

I think you just need to tell him that you may not be perfect with your health sometimes but you are fully aware of your own actions and decisions and to back off pointing it out.

@TonTonMacoute well he dropped the water thing when I asked then jokingly raised it again that evening.

It feels like he's selecting parts of me or habits that aren't perfect and telling me to improve them. When actually I already know this and live as I please - it isnt up to him to tell me to improve and verges on parental, from my point of view.

This sounds relatively normal couple stuff to me, provided the does drop it. Honestly think you sound a bit over sensitive.

I'd find this annoying. It's not necessarily controlling though, in the sense of being a red flag, but might just be a bit of a personality mismatch.

it's a bit annoying but I don't think it's controlling. I remind my husband to drink more water, eat more fruit etc.

Care is the sunnyside of control. Just because someone has good intentions, doesn't excuse the fact that they are giving unsolicited and unwanted advice/action. Personally, I would ditch.

Telling you to drink more water is not controlling. If it is I'm controlling. I'm not.

With his autism he probably thinks quite literally. He notices a problem and offers a solution. He sees u drinking less water so he thinks its best to remind you. He sees u struggle when eating lactose foods so he has bought the pills as a solution. I wouldn't class this as control but just the way he sees the world. Maybe it's just not compatible with the way you think and see the world.

You wouldn't like living with me.

If it irritates you, you either tell him, get used to it or decide he's not for you.

I couldn't be watching what I said all the time, so I'd not be happy with you after a while (nd too).

I'm autistic and would do this as a way of helping solve a problem. It's meant with good intent and not at all controlling, I just don't like seeing someone struggle with a problem that's easily solved. Autistic people are natural problem solvers.

I think you're right @Soberfutures - he is a very logic/solution finding person

The thing is I split up with my live in partner 4 years ago and ex DP never instructed me in anything.

I have been used to living by own rulebook for a long time. Being part of a couple means you can't be so independent and it's an adjustment for me.

Even if it is done out of care, it feels nitpicky. I don't know, I'd just never think of telling a partner what to do, even if it was increasing their water intake.

He's not really telling though? You could speak to him about how it's coming across to you.

If that had been all that was 'wrong' with my ex I'd be delighted!

But your feelings are your feelings, speak to him about it.

Those seem like pretty benign examples. It’s not really trying to “improve you” to suggest lactose pills if you have a lactose intolerance but want to eat dairy, it’s offering a solution to an actual problem, to your benefit. It’s the kind of thing most of us would do for a friend we cared about, surely.

He sounds like he's trying to give you advice. Maybe a bit clumsily but genuinely. From your thread title I thought it was going to be him telling you need todress a certain way or read certain books or something

I remember a poster on MN mentioning that men and women think differently. Women give support, men give advice. She said her husband was very much an advice-giver and that she had 'trained' her husband to ask something like 'shoulder or solution?' whenever she was upset.

This reminds me of that... he sounds very practical and is trying to fix your potential health issues (dehydration and intolerance)... whereas you just want support in your own terms.

I understand your concerns about being controlled but based on the fact these 2 examples are purely related to your health/well being it personally seems more that he is genuinely concerned for you & is trying to help.
If there were other examples more related to your speech, behaviour, actions, appearance etc then it could be a sign of a control issue (I have been with a controlling & abusive ex in the past); but certainly what you've described here doesn't seem that way to me.
I actually regularly ask my husband if he's had enough water to drink, he gets really focused whilst working and forgets to drink whereas to me it comes naturally to drink regularly. It's not because I want to control him, but because I care about him and know that he'll feel better if he drinks more water (he gets headaches some evenings and it usually coincides with a day he hasn't drunk any water). If I want to 'soften' it, I just offer him a drink rather than 'questioning' him.
My husband is also lactose intolerant interestingly, and he really does stink up the bathroom! I didn't know these tablets existed but I'd certainly consider offering them to him now I know about them as he sometimes reacts worse than other times and is in digestive pain from his symptoms. Again, not because I want to control him or have a real problem with his bathroom habits, but because I know he's not always able to predict how strongly he will react to a lactose product and if these tablets could help him not feel unwell, then I would think that would be something that could help him.

It sounds based on other peoples answers that it might just be a personally difference. So possibly worth asking if he can 'soften' how he approaches these things but it's not always easy for people to change that sort of thing so it might just end up that you're not compatible.

I’d be really annoyed at those comments and yes they would feel controlling to me.

Yes it’s about health and then what? Would it be ok for him to start controlling the size of OP’s portion ‘for her health’? Would it be ok for him to stop her from drinking a glass of wine?
Is it ok he is monitoring how much she drinks to the point he can tell she isn’t drinking enough? I mean I have no idea how much dh drinks and we’re both at home all day long. Does anyone ever watch their DP so closely to know that?

Who decides what’s healthy or not?
Eg what is telling him that those medications he is pushing aren’t worse than the intolerance when taken regularly?
Who has defined how much one should drink? Surely it depends on what you do (exercise for example) and what’s you’ve eaten (eg soup).

That would be way over my acceptable limits.

@jolota and what you are doing is basically babying a full grown adult.

As the OP Said, I’d have an issue being treated like a child by my partner.
Offering advice, when it’s not unsolicited, is fine.
Deciding for the other person what they should or shouldn’t be doing isn’t.

I mean surely, any adult who gets headaches from dehydration simply goes to fetch a glass of water? If they can’t, what does it mean about them? Apart from the fact they expect to be looked after, down to the smallest details

I find it normal. If I didn’t like it I would tell him to drop it and if he persisted, that would be different. But really, stuff like this has always been normal in my experience, and is usually a two way street between me and any partner.

If it seems that way to you, then that's your opinion.
But regardless; 'babying' someone is not the same as controlling them.
Which was the concern of the OP, that her boyfriend was displaying controlling behaviour and that this was 'the tip of the iceberg'