Boyfriend trying to improve me - controlling?

[KeiraKnightley2]

I've been with boyfriend for nearly 5 months. He has autism and is in a high flying career, with a perfectionist mindset. I also have similar but limit to myself and not my expectations of others.

Yesterday he said he noticed I don't drink much water. Seemed an odd comment. The truth is I've been drinking a lot less water and thinking 'I need to start drinking more again'. But that's my business. He then told me how much I need every day as an adult...

I was annoyed that he was telling me what to do so I said 'Im not going to be critiqued, please drop it.'

I also have a mild lactose intolerance which means I don't eat much dairy but when I do have ice cream or cheese I (happily) suffer for a few hours. Again, my decision. Last night he brought me tablets to counteract this and said 'you should take this before we have dinner'

To be clear I just feel a bit unwell, it's not like I'm stinking out the toilet etc. I'm over 30 and a fully matured adult. Is it just me or this tip of the iceberg stuff?

It would annoy me, too, OP. I am aware that I’m quite rebellious by nature and tend to overreact to any hint that someone is trying to tell me what to do, so this doesn’t necessarily mean it’s controlling behaviour. But if it doesn’t work for you either, and it’s not a tiny thing for him to change, it suggests you aren’t that compatible.

Sounds like he's looking out for you to be honest. I'll have him if you decide he isn't for you.

-ask him why he drinks more water or feels like he should be drinking more
-take some time to think about why you might not need or want to
-argue your case. convincing him that water intake is a boundary (it totally is) will only serve to drive you two apart

Think I'm like you @LoobyDop - don't like being told what to do. It's why I was self employed for so long!

Also my mother was hyper critical growing up and it reminds me of that somewhat. I moved out for a reason.

Finding the line between care and control...

I don't see it that way at all. I see it as him selecting aspects of self care that you are neglecting and encouraging you to attend to them.

Controlling 'imperfections' would be saying things like: 'should you be having that cheese? Your jeans look a bit tight.' Or 'You should iron that top before you put it on,' even if you are just slobbing around at home all day.

He's not focused on imperfections but your good health and I'd see that as loving. Our loved ones are naturally going to react to how we live and behave.

I’m going against the grain entirely here. I wouldn’t like this at all. He’s subtlety criticising you, telling you you need to improve, as if you’re a small child.

I wouldn’t like it and would find him less attractive as a result. What is your gut telling you?

It’s not loving to impose your ideas of what it is to be healthy on someone else.

This can be something as simple as drinking enough water (no one agrees on what that is btw. And the 2 litres you often hear about is water from all sources including foods such as soup or watermelon.) to something much more serious such as choosing a cancer treatment or no treatment.
Giving advice is ok but would be better if not unsolicited.
Going on about it even after you’ve been told to drop it isn’t loving. It’s telling the other person they’re wrong and they have to do A and B (in that case drinking water but would apply to anything else like …medication)

It's definitely annoying @Notsuretoputit

I know I'm not perfect but would prefer the person I'm with to accept me as I am. I feel like I'm in the 'Needs improvement' category. I could say the same to him but would find it to suggest he improves this way or that.

Going by this thread several people see it as normal couple behaviour. I'm happy as I am despite a few things to.improve. I dont need my partner constantly pointing these things out

I do not think this is controlling. Boyfriend saying drinking more water is good for you and I picked these up for you to help with your health condition seems fine to me

Only you know him well enough to know whether his comments are meant as kindly advice and help or whether he's turning into Professor Higgins from My Fair Lady/Pygmalion!

He’s being nice and caring you don’t like it so end it. Let him find someone genuine who actually appreciates him

I think that buying someone tablets and saying "you should take this before we have dinner" crosses the line from being kind and supportive. Saying "I've heard there are tablets that might help, would you like me to buy you some?" would be fine. That's an offer, a suggestion. I wouldn't like someone buying me tablets I hadn't asked for and might not be right for me, and saying I should take them. Would he get stroppy if you said no, those don't work for me / don't agree with me?

@FictionalCharacter he also messaged this afternoon asking if they worked. And that if not there's another type i can try. It just feels a bit too involved?

And yes, I'm somewhat with you. He just bought and gave them to me, it wasn't a suggestion.

It's interesting to hear how varied the responses are.

it sounds like you are triggered by these comments because of your mum.

in themselves the comments don’t seem too bad to me but it’s clearly upset you. Worth telling him tho and he might stop. Doesn’t seem too much like a red flag to me worth trying to fix first

They sound like fairly normal comments. He sounds like he is right too, from what you’ve said. Maybe it comes across as a bit direct because of his autism, but I don’t think it’s evidence of controlling behaviour.

I don't like being told what to do and would bristle at any form of controlling behaviour, but these two examples just seem... normal. In a healthy relationship you do end up making suggestions that benefit the other. In these cases you actually agree you should drink more water, and the lactose pills just seem like a very good idea given that you're lactose intolerant! (I have a friend who's lactose intolerant but loves cheese, and she swears by those pills.)

When DP had a bad back I suggested he make a physio appointment (no, he couldn;t work this out for himself). It wasn't controlling, it was a suggestion of something I'd done that worked for me. And he did, and it worked for him.

"Controlling" would be if he stipulated that you must do either of those things, or kept on about them even if you'd told him to pipe down.

And fyi he wouldn't dream of telling me where to go, what to wear, what to eat, etc. I know someone mentioned this up thread.

It sounds like you're not used to being cared for like that. It's no one's fault in this scenario. This will require some improvement on your part, as I can guess (based on my experience) that these are feelings you feel in other areas of life as well, meaning the problem most likely lies with you.

Don't deny the ones closest to you the chance to help you. I understand this also sounds annoying, but it is true.

I wouldn't say is necessarily controlling, but it is very irritating, and a red flag that he didn't stop when you asked him.

Good grief-looking for problems ?🤔

It’s irritating as fuck, whatever he intends. Tell him to stop. I’ve found in the past that I’ve had to be extremely clear with some men thinking that my problems, perceived or actual, exist for them to solve. I’ve had to say ‘Look, I’m cleverer than you, and far better at multi-talking — do you not think I’ve thought of that? That usually sorts out the sheep from the goats.

I don’t think it’s controlling , an autistic mindset is different and he clearly does it because he worries and wants you to feel ok .
he sounds very sweet and a keeper imo

Maybe it is better you stay single as i don't think a relationship is something you can cope with.

’Controlling’ isn’t the only bad thing, though. It could just be irritating to the point of being a dealbreaker if he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to stop.

I’m surprised at so many people who are ok with this. I don’t need my partner to be my parent thanks. Ick-central.

It’s one thing to offer solutions if they are asked for, or to take charge when you’re clearly floundering, but a partner who is consistently micromanaging according to his own worldview is a no from me.