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Original poster

How much contribution for staying at relatives in holiday destination?

54 replies

Georgesbar24 · 06/04/2024 18:12

We (me, DP, DSs aged 1 and 5) are staying with my DB and SIL in Portugal for a week, I’m wondering how much money to give them when we leave.

They have stayed with us for a week twice a year for the past six years and have been looking forward to hosting us for the first time in return.

But I think it’s not a straightforward comparison because

  • There’s four of us and two of them
  • they are in a holiday destination so for us it’s a holiday as well as a family visit
  • they are on an extremely tight budget. I definitely wouldn’t want them to be out of pocket from hosting us.

So far we’ve paid for all meals out (not that many though) and bought most of the food and wine from the shops.

What amount would you give to them?

OP posts:
brocollilover · 06/04/2024 18:13

“would love to contribute…. any thoughts on an appropriate amount as not sure how much things cost in the area. And needless to say… we plan on treating you out for a few meals!”

Powderblue1 · 06/04/2024 18:14

What amount have they given you when they stayed with you? Did they pay for meals too?

I'd perhaps just say towards the end of the week that you would like to take them out for another meal as a thank you and leave it at that if you've already covered a lot of costs for food etc

IncompleteSenten · 06/04/2024 18:15

Double what they give you when they stay at yours.

Original poster
Georgesbar24 · 06/04/2024 18:18

They don’t contribute when they stay at ours but are very attentive about always going to the shops whenever anything runs low and bringing lots of wine - which we’ve reciprocated.

But we have a lot more spare cash than they do and because this is also a holiday it feels different.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 06/04/2024 18:20

Is this their home? I wouldn't pay anything. If they have rented a house specifically that's for different.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 06/04/2024 18:20

No offence but I, we never mix business with pleasure/family.

We have family/s from siblings sides that run different types of business and when we meet and just chat, and chat may inadvertently cross paths with what they do/offer and offer to us at next to nothing, we always politely decline

LightDrizzle · 06/04/2024 18:21

We are the hosts in this situation but we’re not short of money which is a bit different. It sounds like you’ve been the perfect guests. I’d tend to expect for guests to “insist” on paying for one meal out during their stay and we’d split other bills but also cook and provide all food and drink in the house without expecting recompense. Some guests bring wine and bits but some don’t and we don’t mind. With airports and luggage restrictions it can be tricky.

I wouldn’t leave them money because it seems odd but I suppose you could ask face to face if you can contribute anything. It’s doesn’t sound like you’ve left them out of pocket.

GreatGateauxsby · 06/04/2024 18:22

I think actual money can be insulting/ poorly received.
paying for meals / food / activities while efusively saying its your pleasure and its so lovely to see them /spend time with them is sufficient.

If you really wanted to push the boat out you could arrange an extrea special day trip (boat trip or something) and / or send them a case of nice wine afterwards.

Definitelylivedin · 06/04/2024 18:23

Don't offer money. We live in a holiday destination and would never take money off friends and family for staying.

It sounds like you have been considerate during your stay. If you really want to do something do one last shop before you go so their fridge is stocked with nice things.

Allowballow · 06/04/2024 18:23

I would agree... no need to give any money... treating them to meals out, wine and topping up anything that you use a lot of our just for meals at home sounds plenty. We usually also take a present with us from 'home'.

KirstenBlest · 06/04/2024 18:24

Could you do something like go with them to do a big supermarket shop and pay for it plus a few meals out?

I'd ask DB tactfully, making the it about it being a holiday for you and the DC, not about you having more spare cash.

LipstickLil · 06/04/2024 18:24
  • Arrive with gifts - nothing too extravagant, but a nice bottle of wine/champagne, chocolates.
  • Take them out for dinner once or twice.
  • Do as they do and pop to the supermarket to get breakfast foods, wine, whatever you can see they're running low on.
Most people are uncomfortable with being given a sum of cash - it's much more classy and thoughtful to just think ahead, do the shopping and make sure they aren't out of pocket at the end of the week.
Delatron · 06/04/2024 18:25

I don’t think you need to give money - you’ve contributed whilst there and done food shops/paid for meals.

I’d buy them a present to say thanks at the end of the trip. Or a voucher to a favourite restaurant/spa/experience.

BCBird · 06/04/2024 18:25

Why not pay for shopping and make this clear before u get to supermarket or market etc?

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 06/04/2024 18:26

I wouldn't like to receive cash from family for this type of visit, and I'd be embarrassed if someone insisted. It sounds like you're doing the right things - pay for additional expenses, help out around the house.

Tickletuesday · 06/04/2024 18:26

I guess if they are on a strict budget they may not have eaten out so paying for them is a treat. If you have paid for the shopping and wine there is only the additional energy and water that you use so I don’t think you need to gift them anything, but if you would like to maybe leave the them 50-100€ to treat themselves when you have gone or fill their car up with petrol.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2024 18:26

You've hosted them 12 times without being paid and this is their first? And they've never paid you? I'd be horribly insulted to be offered money if I was them!

Pay for lots of food/wine/meals out/days out. But no money.

WaltzingWaters · 06/04/2024 18:27

I think giving money seems a bit odd to family, especially when you host them in return (even if their place is a holiday destination). It sounds like you’ve been perfect guests in paying for meals out, shopping etc. just continue to do that and it seems enough. If you want to do more maybe just get some nice treats for them before you go. But actual money may seem odd (assuming you’re in their actual house and they’ve not rented somewhere for you to stay).

FeltCarrot · 06/04/2024 18:32

Are you staying with them in their home or have they rented a holiday place which you are sharing?
If the former, they would not be financially out of pocket given the meals/food/wine you have bought. Maybe just do another shop before you leave if you really must.

TokyoSushi · 06/04/2024 18:34

Actual cash at the end seems a bit odd, just continue to be generous whilst you're there which you seem to be doing really well!

RandomUsernameHere · 06/04/2024 18:49

I think paying for things while you are there is enough. You could bring a gift as well, but I think giving money would be weird.

Original poster
Georgesbar24 · 06/04/2024 19:02

Interesting thoughts here. It didn’t strike me as weird even though I’d never accept it myself.

I think what colours my view is that they have zero spare money. They always intended to retire to Portugal but were made redundant and so did it a few years earlier than planned. They don’t get their private pensions for three more years.

So the thought of them, living on next to nothing with no buffer, subsiding our very cheap family holiday when we can easily afford it seems terrible.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 06/04/2024 19:14

Georgesbar24 · 06/04/2024 18:18

They don’t contribute when they stay at ours but are very attentive about always going to the shops whenever anything runs low and bringing lots of wine - which we’ve reciprocated.

But we have a lot more spare cash than they do and because this is also a holiday it feels different.

Well it sounds like you’ve contributed far more than what they do when they stay at yours. Have you also had to pay for flights to see them? If yes, I’d say that and the fact you’ve paid for every meal out and bought food, wine etc is enough

SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2024 19:15

If they're retirement age and you have young kids, I'm guessing there's a fair age gap between you, what kind of relationship do you have? I'd say if you're basically covering your own costs and most of their food, that should be sufficient for siblings.

Really be these conversations are better had directly before hand

Original poster
Georgesbar24 · 06/04/2024 19:46

SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2024 19:15

If they're retirement age and you have young kids, I'm guessing there's a fair age gap between you, what kind of relationship do you have? I'd say if you're basically covering your own costs and most of their food, that should be sufficient for siblings.

Really be these conversations are better had directly before hand

Yeah it’s a fairly big age gap but the relationship is fantastic. We both genuinely love visits and get on brilliantly.

We’re unmumsnetty in that we enjoy long visits, staying together and no one would be offended in any scenario.

OP posts:
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