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Original poster

How much contribution for staying at relatives in holiday destination?

54 replies

Georgesbar24 · 06/04/2024 18:12

We (me, DP, DSs aged 1 and 5) are staying with my DB and SIL in Portugal for a week, I’m wondering how much money to give them when we leave.

They have stayed with us for a week twice a year for the past six years and have been looking forward to hosting us for the first time in return.

But I think it’s not a straightforward comparison because

  • There’s four of us and two of them
  • they are in a holiday destination so for us it’s a holiday as well as a family visit
  • they are on an extremely tight budget. I definitely wouldn’t want them to be out of pocket from hosting us.

So far we’ve paid for all meals out (not that many though) and bought most of the food and wine from the shops.

What amount would you give to them?

OP posts:
GrumpyMiddleAgedCow · 06/04/2024 19:52

I agree with others while your heart is in the right place money might make them feel like you would have also expected money…I would do a food shop on the last day to “replace” additional food the kids have ate (I feel like sometimes it’s acceptable to use your kids as an excuse when it’s for something nice 😂) and include a couple nice bottles of wine. If you are close and they don’t have much disposable income you don’t want them to think of they want to visit you they need to leave you money…x

DisforDarkChocolate · 06/04/2024 19:53

I don't think I'd offer money but I would happily leave a good supply of nice food and wine etc.

Moveoverdarlin · 06/04/2024 19:57

I’d feel funny giving family cash. Do you know what they like to drink / eat? I’d probably go and do a big shop for them before you go. 6 bottles of wine, crate of beer, steaks, flowers, chocolates, treats, that kind of thing. But if you think they are genuinely hard-up and need the cash, maybe €250?

dogmandu · 06/04/2024 20:08

I really don't think it's a case of they didn't pay when visiting us, so we don't need to give them anything when visiting them. They are very hard up so I think it a good idea that you contribute. If I were hard up, wine and chocolates and a meal out would be the last thing on my list of priorities.
I would like something like voucher to a supermarket or a largish shop of things like cheeses, washing powder, olive oil, coffee and things like that.

Rocknrollstar · 06/04/2024 20:28

I visited friends in Florida and made sure I paid my way. Helped out with a bit of cooking and paid for a couple of meals out. They did the same when they stayed with us.

Ilovelurchers · 06/04/2024 20:34

If you can afford it, I would give them a couple of hundred. If they are unlikely to accept cash, can you put vouchers in a gift card? Or if not buy a load of wine, which will save them money over time..... (You mention wine yourself so I assume they drink).

It's nice to hear of a caring family who all get on so well and actively want to help and look out for each other - this thread has cheered me up!

lionobserving · 06/04/2024 20:52

If you give cash (obviously you know them best) but there's a chance it might come across as a passive aggressive hint about them giving cash next time they come to you.

You sound lovely OP - why don't you do a big shop before you go and take them for a special meal on the last night?

Levisticum · 06/04/2024 20:57

Well maybe from what you’ve said, they wouldn’t be offended by money, but don’t do what a guest of mine once did, and leave 10€! Perhaps the cost of your weekly shop? However, I’m in a similar situation in that my sibling is light years richer than me, and I’ve sort of been forced into early semi-retirement without a lot of money. I host my sibling and partner (+ sometimes their adult children) every year (I also live in a holiday destination abroad) and I love having them here. I would absolutely refuse/be upset if I were offered money for hosting them. Pay for any shopping, buy wine, pay for petrol if they’re running you around, pay any entrance fees…basically, make sure they’re not worse off for having you to stay.

waftabout · 06/04/2024 20:59

I don't think you need to offer cash. Just make sure you're not costing them money in food, trips etc which you're doing. You could buy them a nice gift or send them something when you get back. Either a gift or a voucher for a store they have nearby, like a John Lewis equivalent maybe.

kiwiane · 06/04/2024 21:02

Just carry on being generous and paying for meals and trips. If they’re using their car you could offer to fill it up for them.

AdriftAbroad1 · 06/04/2024 21:06

Portugal is so cheap and wine really isn[t the treat it is here. (2 or 3 euros a bottle)
I would leave 50 euros and a thank you note/card in your bedroom "to cover extra costs of cleaning and all the added laundry/extras they supplied for/re: Dcs"

50 euros cash is great and a treat (I am in Spain) and they can use it for the ridiculous petrol and electricity prices! More than that would be insulting IMO.
No food or vouchers.

quizzys · 06/04/2024 21:10

I use my sister and her DH holiday house abroad several times a year. They don't live there which may be a different situation. I leave a "per week" sum (can go for up to three weeks) to cover electric, cleaning lady, aircon, internet etc. I just cover their costs, and they don't even want that! But I feel better for doing it. I transfer it to their foreign bank account where their bills are taken from.

In your situation OP, would you know or find out if there is anything they might need for the house, as in goods like BBQ, a new microwave, whatever it is, and order and pay for that to be delivered after you have returned. I admire your generosity and I know the hosts will not expect it but I'm sure they will be delighted just the same.

Soonenough · 06/04/2024 21:18

We often do the same and I always leave a thank you card or note with €100 on it. Think it is weird how many people have feelings about it. Not much point in having bottles of wine or extra food when you can choose what is a priority for yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2024 23:49

lionobserving · 06/04/2024 20:52

If you give cash (obviously you know them best) but there's a chance it might come across as a passive aggressive hint about them giving cash next time they come to you.

You sound lovely OP - why don't you do a big shop before you go and take them for a special meal on the last night?

And worse, they might not feel they can visit again because they can't/didn't give money.

I second (well, 15th) the idea of a big, fancy shop near the end of the stay.

Sgtmajormummy · 07/04/2024 00:24

You say they’re on a tight budget and you’re more comfortably off. So meals and shopping are a kind touch.

But if they’ve done things for you that would take up their time or put them out of pocket, like lifts to and from the airport, I’d definitely leave the equivalent cash in a pretty card with a message of thanks and a drawing from the children.
Maybe also a help with electricity/water. €30 a day for 4 people would be about right IMO, and round the whole thing up to the nearest hundred so it doesn’t look like you’ve done the maths!

SleepingMermaid · 07/04/2024 06:40

I think you are being considerate, kind and generous, and 100% doing the righg thing by offering to contribute. Probably why you have a strong and warm relationship in the first place!

The only aspect to consider is if your relatives will be in any way offended, and then worried your expectation is that they pay when at yours? Perhaps a better way is to buy them wine/food/household items you know they need. Or a gift card perhaps

BarrelOfOtters · 07/04/2024 06:54

you could use the children’s an excuse yo leave a bit of cash for electricity or petrol or whatever. I’d feel weird about that though…

they probably see you visiting the once as their chance to treat you relatively cheaply. So as others have suggested, a big shop and another meal might be the way to go….

PBandJ111 · 07/04/2024 07:19

As you’ve bought all meals, that’s fine but you could do a big shop do they can put stuff in freezer, perhaps get washing supplies to? Maybe a voucher for local restaurant?

inappropriateraspberry · 07/04/2024 07:43

I wouldn't offer cash, continue with what you're doing. Contribute to meals, shopping etc. when you leave a card and a gift to say thank you is nice. Maybe there is something practical they need for the home.

inappropriateraspberry · 07/04/2024 07:44

Georgesbar24 · 06/04/2024 19:02

Interesting thoughts here. It didn’t strike me as weird even though I’d never accept it myself.

I think what colours my view is that they have zero spare money. They always intended to retire to Portugal but were made redundant and so did it a few years earlier than planned. They don’t get their private pensions for three more years.

So the thought of them, living on next to nothing with no buffer, subsiding our very cheap family holiday when we can easily afford it seems terrible.

But what are they subsidising? You're paying for food and meals out. They already own/rent the property there is no extra cost there.

PlaygroupWoe · 07/04/2024 07:45

What about paying for a cleaning service as well? I've done that before when my family with small children descended on a child-free house.

MaggieFS · 07/04/2024 07:45

I agree that I wouldn't give cash. You're doing all of the right things as a guest. And you've hosted them, which whilst I understand the difference vs. a holiday for you, will still have saved them a LOT of money if their alternative had been a hotel. For all you know, perhaps they've felt embarrassed at not having the cash to do more and want to even the tab.

I think you have a couple of options; you either openly ask what would be an appropriate contribution to cover the costs of having you to stay as it was a holiday for you, or you buy a chunky gift which would save them money from having to buy something for themselves e.g. a case of their favourite wine.

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/04/2024 07:50

I'd not leave cash but go buy a nice present on your last day, maybe a plant for the garden , and pop in a voucher for their favourite restaurant "to treat yourselves after the lovely hosting" if they didn't stay with you then maybe cash, but they may feel that they should have paid you in the past. Anything too over the top they may feel they have to reciprocate

Watchthedoormat · 07/04/2024 07:54

Don't offer cash- they'll feel they need to offer cash next time they visit you and likely feel awful that they never offered you anything when they stayed at your house. It could look passive aggressive.
Paying for a few nice meals is suffice.

crazycatladie · 07/04/2024 07:58

If it was me and I could afford it, I'd continue to pay for meals out, if they're on a tight budget they probably never eat out so it will be a lovely treat for them.