Talk to your children and teens and tell them you love them

[opalsandcoffee]

I am sad for the number of stories I hear of teens being "typical teenagers" moody, withdrawn, hostile, etc.

I don't think this is typical teenager at all, but I do think a lot of parent child relationships break down badly in teen years and the seeds for that are sown many years earlier.

Some examples recently - asking a mum how often she tells her 16 year old that she love him - not in the last 10 years she says - ie not since before he was 6! So she says she can't start now, it would be weird. But it need not have been weird if he had grown up with it being normal.

Arguing about who gets teens over Easter and who gets the weekend "off" - why are parents saying this? Children hear and know - why not argue about who gets the privilege of weekend with the children?

Horrible things said, like menace to society, and waste of space, etc.

Please have conversations with your teens every day and tell them you love them. Please start when they are tiny and it will often just carry on naturally

I work with boys who have been kicked out of school, in trouble with police, have had their parents just give up due to their behaviour, and yes if I met them on the street I would be intimidated. BUT!!…

Individually, they can be funny, chatty, witty, sociable and active… all the things I see in my own teenage boy. They’ve just had a shitty upbringing.

I recognised that DH and I had got into a pattern of arguing (only mildly) about who was doing bedtime. We'd be sat at dinner and it would be - your turn to do bedtime/I've still got some work to do/come on I did it 3 nights in a row/ it's 100% not my turn etc etc.

Realised how frigging damaging that must be. Our toddler had only just turned 2yrs but nevertheless it was a really shitty pattern we'd gotten into. It just hadn't occured to us. Immediately stopped and now I argue about who gets to do bedtime. We have the same routine, one does bedtime, the other cleans the kitchen.

The funny thing is - since we changed the language, the heart catched up. Now I want to do bedtime. DH isn't quite there but now at least the argument is about whose cleaning the kitchen.

Actions speak louder than words for some. I tend to hug my eldest DS as he leaves for school. I don't tell him I love him all the time as it would feel forced as mentioned by a PP. He knows he is loved when he has been in a crisis and we pick up the pieces for him. Always.

I always told mine I loved them even in the difficult teen years .Always when we say goodbye. And at 25 my son has just started telling me he loves me! My daughter always did. Why not tell people you love them? In a world which can be shit, spread a little love.

To echo some pp - mum and dad never said the words I love you, ever to me. They maintain now, to me as an adult, that they told me in other ways, that it never needed to be said. But reader, tell them you love them. Start young as op says. I never really felt it from my folks. I tell my two every day now. Just a quick ‘night, love you’ is all it takes. It would have made a world of difference to me growing up.

Interesting thread. I fully agree about young people needing to hear they are loved but particularly that they feel loved, through myriad actions and expressions.

But the idea that it’s not inevitable that teens are moody and withdrawn at times - I’m challenged by that. Mine are not at that stage but I’m anticipating that and I wonder if that is informed by my not great teen experience with my parents. Plus past work with teens - but they were of the traumatised variety. I’d love to hope that my girls remain able to chat to me and don’t change in these tricky ways but I darent hope, I do assume it’ll be awful despite all the efforts I put in now to support them psychologically, so this has been helpful for me.

I have teenagers and an adult child, I tell them I love them nearly every day. It comes very easily and it's a shame for those where this isn't the case.

I was just in DS’s (15) room and as usual, I gave him a hug. He invited me to sit down and chat, instead of grunting at me. 😂

What?

You're a truly nasty piece of work. Quite contemptible.

I had to think what you were referring to. When I remembered, I also recall you omitted a lot of context, not least that they were small children playing, with no malintent. Being little children, and all. One of them was 5. 😐 I just got a shock, obviously.

It's utterly irrelevant to this thread & points being made.

AS is not in the MN spirit & you are spectacularly awful to posters on this thread.

Just like I judge people on their behaviour, e.g. not telling their children they love them?

Don't be silly. And obtuse.

The poster was supercilious in that moment, that's all.

You can't know what other people do with regard to their children & demonstrating their love.

And it's a lot different to assessing a poster on a post, in a moment, I'm making no judgement on that person in a wider capacity or at any other point.

Hope that's clearly enough explained for you now. Give me strength.

5 year olds
found their deceased granny’s phone
and called you on it, the day after she died
and then laughed hysterically when you picked up

f* me.

5

i didn’t AS

i remember the story and reeling from how horrific it sounded

that is horrific