Talk to your children and teens and tell them you love them

[opalsandcoffee]

I am sad for the number of stories I hear of teens being "typical teenagers" moody, withdrawn, hostile, etc.

I don't think this is typical teenager at all, but I do think a lot of parent child relationships break down badly in teen years and the seeds for that are sown many years earlier.

Some examples recently - asking a mum how often she tells her 16 year old that she love him - not in the last 10 years she says - ie not since before he was 6! So she says she can't start now, it would be weird. But it need not have been weird if he had grown up with it being normal.

Arguing about who gets teens over Easter and who gets the weekend "off" - why are parents saying this? Children hear and know - why not argue about who gets the privilege of weekend with the children?

Horrible things said, like menace to society, and waste of space, etc.

Please have conversations with your teens every day and tell them you love them. Please start when they are tiny and it will often just carry on naturally

Stuff like what? That you love them?

Mine are rising 15 and rising 13. Still say love you lots every day and hug every day at their instigation (they come and sit on my knee while watching tv in the evenings!)

Perhaps they're not old enough yet for the cringe phase.

They find my love of Elton John cringey, my idea of dressing smart for an occasion cringey etc etc.

But I just don't think they find hugs cringey.

Yup. We're just not an "I love you" family

I genuinely didn't realise there were non-abusive parents out there who don't tell their children they love them. Have you ever told them that you love them?

Completely agree OP. I think it's really impirtant with teens for thrm to know you live them despite the ups and downs..

My mum said somethuninteresting to my dd when she got to 13. She told her it's not compulsory to be a grumpy (or similar word) teenager, lots aren't and you'll be happier if you find ways of talking about and dealing with stuff that makes you grumpy.

My dd now 19 recently told me how she found it really helpful to overhear me (several times over the years) saying to people that I think teenagers get a bad press (I think they do a lot of the time) and that it's tough being a teenager in 2024...

urgh sorry for the typos

I tell my teens I love them everyday. I always get a love you back and occasionally a hug.
I also try and have a laugh with them most days and listen about their (too me boring) interests (drill music, FIfa and fecking formula one) in the hope they will talk about the big things with me.

My 16yo ds just brought me a smoked salmon and avocado croissant with a cup of tea.

If Calrsberg made teenagers!
I love that beautiful boy and tell him so many times a day.
My dd15 is a little more tricky, but I tell her lots too. I'm peri, she's 15, it's tricky all round. But she's a beautiful soul too.

in RL?

or on mumsnet?

Oh sure. And we hug a lot. But we don't go around declaring our love every day. Maybe a "love ya sweetheart" every once in a while. Anything more just sounds forced and phony.

Your son sounds lovely, but... smoked salmon and avocado on a croissant?!

My parents probably thought that. They never said they loved me.

For decades I thought this was no big deal, but now I can see it primed me to attach to men who treated me like crap but told me they loved me. I didn't realise it was missing, but I was clearly desperate to be told I was loved.

I tell mine I love them all the time, they love it. Their faces light up. They are 11 and 8 now.

Same, @hollyandivyknickers , I walk up to DS (15) and say “hug”. He grunts his consent, lets me hug him and I tell him that I love him…sometimes he even hugs me back. DD (18) is marginally more affectionate. 🤣

I still hug and kiss them goodnight, even if I’m just grunted at.

Well, mine didn't either Gullsoaring - we were a pretty reserved family - but I ended up with a very nice fella. Like I said above, I let my DCs know in other ways.

My mum used to say 'actions speak louder than words' when I asked her about why we didn't say 'I love you' more often. She also said things like 'words are cheap', and I convinced myself that it was true.

Then I had my own kids and decided that I didn't want there to be one shred of doubt in their minds that they were loved. Not one question mark. I wanted to be sure that I had covered all bases and that it wasn't even some kind of niggle somewhere in the back of their mind.

I tell all my kids that I adore them, love them, every day- even the ones in their 20s.

I remember telling them that if something happened to me then I always wanted the last words from me to them to be ‚I Love you‘ and it is. There is no sentence I say more often. I mean these words.
Everyone should. Kids can be hard. Life is hard but when you are loved it becomes easier. It is a safety net. My parents didn’t say it enough and I was aware of it and in the end. I do love my kids so why wouldn’t I tell them.

We say “love you, Bye” in the style of Scott Mills off the radio every time they get out of the car, does that count?
Only ever get a grunt back, maybe the occasional “bye” if they’re feeling really in the mood for communication…

My parents were both reserved people but they were affectionate in their own way and they always had time for us. I was a sulky withdrawn teenager but I did come out the other side!

My 15 year old son always says I love you when he's going out....his brother (18) is a bit more reserved. I've always tried to be open with them both and talk but sometimes it just doesn't happen

I genuinely didn't realise there were non-abusive parents out there who don't tell their children they love them

Oh come on. Seriously?

You can express love, security & connection in many ways, saying 'I love you' is not the only way, as much as they are powerful words when meant.

but many children do need to hear it

if you don’t need to hear it as a teen it’s because all through your child hood years, your parents said things like “good night and i love you” etc

I tell my kids daily that I love them, they have moody and miserable periods but generally speak they’re great kids. The two aren’t mutually exclusive and to say that teens aren’t moody is disingenuous- by the very nature of the changes going on physically and socially of course they will have their moments.

(it’s also possible for your kids to cringe like fuck whilst feeling content, secure and happy because you said you love them)

My parents never told us they loved us until the last few years but we were never in any doubt that they did. It’s only in recent years that they say it and they’ve said it’s because we say it so openly that it feels easier to say it now. DH will say it but is a bit emotionally stunted by growing up in an emotionally devoid household so he’s uncomfortable with it

We all tell each other we love each other at every opportunity. My parents were the same when I was growing up. DS is a lovely affectionate adult now but that might be just luck rather than me telling me 100 times a day how much I love him.

but many children do need to hear it

Yes, perhaps. I tell my DC I love them, though not every day.

But other families do it differently. I don't think there's one right way.

My abusive ex & his narcissistic mother said it to each other every time they spoke. That meant nothing.

i don’t think there’s a child in the land that wouldn’t want to hear that their parent loves them at least occasionslly

but you think there will be @EarringsandLipstick