Dh's mum died 6 weeks ago, he's either snapping at me or ignoring me. 😞

[Winterysun]

She was in her 90's, I miss her too and have been very supportive. We had the funeral a few weeks ago.

The other night I cooked for us all as normal (our 2 adult children live with us) and could see he was struggling to be 'present' at the table. I asked him afterwards (not in front of kids) if he was finding today particularly difficult and he yelled at me, telling me to stop 'psycho analyzing him'- I don't! He also said he needs space- He gets plenty, I'm out of the house working more than him.

Last weekend we had a lovely evening, as we could in the circumstances. Was a pre-booked event I'd offered to cancel if he wasn't up for it but he said it would do us both good to go. He was lovely to me all evening, then next day he met up with a friend. I asked afterwards if they'd had a good catch-up, with pursed lips he just said 'Yes' and went upstairs.

I've said he changes like the weather, and it's v hard for me. He just replied 'That's what grief is like, and it's 100 times harder for him'!

The last few evenings I've taken myself off with my i-pad & book, and only spoken to him if necessary. He's doing the same, ie, 'Your sister called/has the cat been fed?' type convos but nothing else.

I miss our closeness, and am obvs upset about his mum too, but he's making it impossible for me to support him. I expected him to apologize for how he spoke to me but he hasn't, I'm not going to accept being treated like this, and it's Easter weekend too, with both of us at home. 🤔

Maybe he doesn't want support, maybe he just wants to be left alone to grieve.

Grief isn’t an excuse for being rude. A reason, perhaps, but he should be able to recognize how unreasonable he’s being.

I didn't want anyone "fussing" over me or asking me if I was OK when I lost my parents. Just leave him alone and he will talk to you if he needs to.

He is being snappy and rude yes but only in response to you trying to get him to open up and engage on various occasions. He clearly doesn’t want to open up or engage at the moment. He wants to detach and that’s ok for a while. Leave him alone and the snapping will stop.

I wonder this too. I’m go quiet and very much internalise my thoughts and upset if I’m going through something. DH was very much a “want to support you” and wants to talk about it. If I’m quiet, he would ask me how I’m doing, etc. It’s very loving and caring but it’s not what I needed.

Over the years we have learnt to support each other how the other one needs. He now knows to say nothing unless I bring it up and hold my hand in silence if I reach out to him.

I would suggest you take his cues. It doesn’t justify his rudeness and snappiness, but if he seems absent, just leave him to it rather than pointing it out.

Time is a healer, and whilst you say you say you miss MiL too, his pain will be nothing like yours and you need to be careful not to make it a shared pain which also focuses on your loss rather than just his pain.

You have made it all about you. How very, very selfish. Poor DH.

6 weeks is absolutely nothing. My mum died last August at 90 and I can still hardly bear to think about her as it's just so painful. My moods are up and down like a yo-yo. And the way the grief has hit me is nothing like any loss I've had before, including my sister and my dad. Your husband shouldn't be rude to you, but I would say give him space. I don't mean physical space, but mental space. Let him know you're there, but don't keep asking him if he's ok. He's not.

Not everyone wants to be jollied along. Or to take their mind off it. Sometimes people just need to be allowed to be a bit unlike themselves for a while and for people to accept it. He'll get there in his own way eventually.

He also said he needs space- He gets plenty, I'm out of the house working more than him.

This is not the same as giving him space.

Just let him be. He probably wants to time alone to grieve instead of telling you his feelings or whatever. Completely normal to me.

This. What's the thing about him saying he enjoyed a catch up and going upstairs? They is this anything to be writing about, sounds totally normal to me.

Maybe he doesn't need you pointing out it was hard for him at dinner, just keep that to yourself becsue there is no need to tell him something he already knows

And yes, six weeks is nothing. Grief is not linear.

He's probably best left to grieve in his own way at the moment. I'm guessing too that he's coming to terms with his own mortality. It's what losing a parent can do. Give him some space at the moment at any rate. Maybe suggest going out for a walk and a drink if it's stops raining long enough?

My dh has only just starting opening up properly after 3 years of losing his dad in 2015 and
Mum in 2020. It's been a hard decade for me and I've considered leaving a few times.
But we got through.

6 weeks is nothing. If you previously had a good relationship then just allow him the space he craves.

Leave him alone. You’re being selfish. This isn’t about you.

Leave the poor bloke alone, he’s only just lost his mum. He’s telling you he needs space, so give it to him.

”I miss our closeness”… it’s been six weeks, for god’s sake. That’s no time at all. It’s not about you, it’s your husband who in in the early stages of grief. He doesn’t owe you an apology, you owe him one for getting at him.

Step back, allow him to process his grief however he needs to, and stop centring yourself in the situation.

Yes to stepping back but he really shouldn't be treating you like shit grief is grief yes but you don't need to be awful about it to people

Ok apart from yelling when OP was dissecting his behaviour at dinner, where do you see him treating her like shit? Yes he should not have yelled but she didn't need to state the bloody obvious to a grieving man either

How has he treated her like shit?

I lost my Dad last year and I'm still trying to wade through the quagmire of grief. And I've probably not been very nice to be around for a lot of that time. Having said that, you're not his emotional punchbag and it's OK to say that "I know you're really sad, and grief is an awful thing to wade through but please don't take your feelings out on me".

Don't do anything that he has to engage in - family events, nights out - it's just too much right now and he needs to work through this.

When he says he needs space, he probably needs emotional space rather than physical space. That means not asking him how he is, not expecting engagement from him etc. Let him come to you.

Such early days OP, just leave him to his thoughts, 6wks is nothing after losing a parent. We all grieve differently. Sorry he is being snappy with you, that must be hard

Except OP really is making it about her. She mentioned several times she missed her MIL too. Losing your MIL is very very different to losing your mum, and OP is trying to make it a shared grief, which isn’t right in the circumstances at all. He’s the one going through the loss, not OP.

I absolutely have not made this all about me.

I've heard myself, several times over the years described as 'quiet and unassuming' by colleagues & friends, so I'm really NOT the attention-seeking type!

All I'm doing is supporting, but due to his recent reaction I haven't dared to ask how he's feeling over last few days. I've been in touch with his dad & sister though, one of them has a birthday over Easter, which will obviously be difficult.

I get he’s grieving. However….

Is he snapping at everyone I wonder? Do his friends get an earful every time
they ask how he is? Colleagues? Other family?

Because I doubt it.

I know I had times after my mum died that I was snappy but I always ALWAYS apologised. Being bereaved isn’t a free pass to be rude and horrible.

My husband was very upset when his mother died several years ago. But, apart from the actual day of her death, there wasn't a single tear or flicker of emotion. He didn't want to talk about her, or seek "support" in the conventional sense. He just went silent, if anything, and then got stuck back into his busy job.
So my way of supporting was mainly practical (eg writing letters and filling in forms to do with her Estate) and otherwise just keeping my head down. Everyone is different.