Dh's mum died 6 weeks ago, he's either snapping at me or ignoring me. 😞

[Winterysun]

She was in her 90's, I miss her too and have been very supportive. We had the funeral a few weeks ago.

The other night I cooked for us all as normal (our 2 adult children live with us) and could see he was struggling to be 'present' at the table. I asked him afterwards (not in front of kids) if he was finding today particularly difficult and he yelled at me, telling me to stop 'psycho analyzing him'- I don't! He also said he needs space- He gets plenty, I'm out of the house working more than him.

Last weekend we had a lovely evening, as we could in the circumstances. Was a pre-booked event I'd offered to cancel if he wasn't up for it but he said it would do us both good to go. He was lovely to me all evening, then next day he met up with a friend. I asked afterwards if they'd had a good catch-up, with pursed lips he just said 'Yes' and went upstairs.

I've said he changes like the weather, and it's v hard for me. He just replied 'That's what grief is like, and it's 100 times harder for him'!

The last few evenings I've taken myself off with my i-pad & book, and only spoken to him if necessary. He's doing the same, ie, 'Your sister called/has the cat been fed?' type convos but nothing else.

I miss our closeness, and am obvs upset about his mum too, but he's making it impossible for me to support him. I expected him to apologize for how he spoke to me but he hasn't, I'm not going to accept being treated like this, and it's Easter weekend too, with both of us at home. 🤔

But you have. Let the man be.

He possibly doesn’t want to be asked how he’s feeling.

Your reaction to him when he met his friend is unnecessary. He answered your question. Let him be.

I wonder what reactions would be if OP had said “My DHs mother died 6 weeks ago. AIBU to never ask him how he is or if there’s anything I can do to support him?”

People would be tripping over themselves to tall her to be kinder to the poor man.

Kindness comes in many forms. Listening to how someone wants or needs to be treated and doing that is kind. Keeping at them when they’ve asked for space isn’t.

6 weeks is absolutely nothing. My mum died last August at 90 and I can still hardly bear to think about her as it's just so painful. My moods are up and down like a yo-yo.

Exactly the same here, my mum was 80. Some days I'm absolutely fine and others I feel such a deep sadness I can't even explain, and just need to be left alone. Some people grieve openly and want everyone around them to share in it, some prefer to internalise their grief and deal with it privately in their own way. I suspect your husband is the latter OP.

All I'm doing is supporting, but due to his recent reaction I haven't dared to ask how he's feeling over last few days.

Stop asking him. There is nothing worse than someone asking you 'how you're feeling' six weeks after someone they loved has died. I mean, how do you think he's feeling?! Just let him know you're there if/when he needs you.

No, I don't think you have made it all about you, don't worry. I think what it is is that support looks different to different people. I've had to learn that with my husband. I want him to ask me how I am. He hates it if I do that. It caused a lot of misunderstanding- me feeling unsupported and him feeling bothered. Sometimes, the support we want to give isn't they support they want or need.

For him, the support he needs might well be leaving him alone and only mentioning it if he brings it up

All I'm doing is supporting, but due to his recent reaction I haven't dared to ask how he's feeling over last few days

But maybe he doesn't want you to support him in that way.

It's clear you care and are worried about him, but people grieve in different ways and not everyone wants to talk about it or hear lots of well-meaning comments about how "well they're coping" etc.

Some people want to be distracted, or they want practical support, or for their partner to be a listening ear without any analysis or emotion.

Stop asking him if he's OK, he's not he's grieving the loss of his Mum.
It doesn't matter how old she was , it's HIS Mother.

There are no rules around grief.
Everyone handles it differently.

You forgot to add that DH has made it clear that he needs space and doesn’t want to talk about it…

People grieve in different ways. Some people like to talk, some just need to be given the space to be alone. It sounds like you and your DH are opposite, which is making things difficult for you now. You need to give him the space he needs, and explain to the kids too. Just do what you normally do, and he will gradually come back to you.

My husband lost his mum in 2013.
I saw him cry for two days and at the funeral and he's only mentioned her a couple of times since. That's how he deals with it. He's quiet on anniversaries and Mother's Day.

Some people don't want to engage or discuss.

Tell him you love him, don't bring it up. Make him cuppas and I wouldn't even say you are there for him if he wants to talk.
Let him grieve how he wants too and it might mean he is not easy to be with right now.

That's my advice.

You are making it about you by stressing that you miss MiL too. In other words, you are saying that you are grieving too. But your grief is very different to his.

Looks like you are the emotional punchbag. He's obviously still coming to terms with it all and doesn't want to open up. You're coming from a good place and he's biting your head off.

It's normal. None gets it right all the time. Just give him a hug and walk away. Hopefully he'll come back to you soon. It's good that he's meeting other people.

DH wasn't himself for a good year after his dad died. It was awful.

Honestly, I would tell him that while you can tell he’s struggling, you will not be his scapegoat. If he wants space - take it. Come back when he’s not an aggressive, sullen prick.

I feel for you OP.It must be like walking on eggshells.
Tbh when my df died my dh let me get on with it.
He did practical things like help me choose something for the garden to remember df by.
Other than that I just worked through it myself when I was alone.
Grief is a personal thing and his grief is his to work through.
It will get easier and sometimes harder on special dates.

My DH dad died at the start of the year and I could have written your post. It's very hard.

^^ This! People grieve in very different ways and some men like to be given space.

I think I would leave him alone this Easter weekend op. Be sensitive and take yourself out for the day tomorrow. Give him some space. Then ask him what he wants to do on Easter Sunday itself? Maybe have lunch together but then leave him to it. It’s hard when you are upset too but maybe you could share your upset with some friends instead of your dh who can’t handle it right now?

@Winterysun I disagree with most of the posters on here. His emotional pain needs to be respected but he does not have the right to be snappy and nasty to you. He can ask for space without being punitive.

It doesn't sound like she's really respecting his need for space, though. It's normal to snap when people keep pushing and won't let things be.

Leave him be. He needs time.

I asked him afterwards (not in front of kids) if he was finding today particularly difficult and he yelled at me, telling me to stop 'psycho analyzing him'- I don't!
Sorry OP but you are though; you’ve made a pre-judgement about how he feels and asked him whether he feels that. Ask him neutrally: “how are you?” Or, as he’s asked for space, tell him you’re there if he needs to talk and then stop questioning him.

then next day he met up with a friend. I asked afterwards if they'd had a good catch-up
You’ve done it again here (weighted the question by asking if it was good). Ask open endedly “how was it?”. Him saying “good” or “yes” is perfectly reasonable especially when he’s said he wants space.

Grief can be relentless. I have read it is like a wave that can be in the distance thet then comes crashing back into u. I know this is true. Thst ssud rudeness is not acceptable. Perhaps u could have some sort of sign from him that indicates he doesn't want to talk. It hard for u all.

It is beyond disgusting that people are telling you to put up with being screamed at. Grieving doesn't make you a moron, or unable to simply speak words and ask for space. Six weeks after anyone dies any adult without serious mental or cognitive problems is DEFINITELY capable of simply asking to be left alone and not screaming at their husband or wife.

He is very definitely NOT speaking to anyone else like this because he knows he wouldn't get away with it.

However, it would be best to back off and give him the space he screamingly demanded as it can take a long time to process grief, particularly such a serious loss, and although he has very definitely been rude and unpleasant to you, he clearly needs time to himself, does not want to discuss it, and he has a right to that.

And please be very aware that your grief is NOTHING AT ALL like his. He has lost his mother, you lost your mother in law. Totally different losses, not to be compared in any way.

And a good rule of thumb is to never say or imply to a grieving person that you know they feel. You absolutely definitely do NOT know how anyone else feels. Ever. Even if you suffered precisely the same loss in precisely the same circumstances, your feelings are still different.

I lost my dad just before Christmas, havent talked to my DP about it, I cant find the words, but on the odd occasion, I have burst into tears and he has just sat hugging me, that is the support I need, not being asked how I am or if I am finding something difficult.

When his dad died, he wanted to chat about all their times together, so I sat and listened thats the support he needed.