Dh's mum died 6 weeks ago, he's either snapping at me or ignoring me. 😞

[Winterysun]

She was in her 90's, I miss her too and have been very supportive. We had the funeral a few weeks ago.

The other night I cooked for us all as normal (our 2 adult children live with us) and could see he was struggling to be 'present' at the table. I asked him afterwards (not in front of kids) if he was finding today particularly difficult and he yelled at me, telling me to stop 'psycho analyzing him'- I don't! He also said he needs space- He gets plenty, I'm out of the house working more than him.

Last weekend we had a lovely evening, as we could in the circumstances. Was a pre-booked event I'd offered to cancel if he wasn't up for it but he said it would do us both good to go. He was lovely to me all evening, then next day he met up with a friend. I asked afterwards if they'd had a good catch-up, with pursed lips he just said 'Yes' and went upstairs.

I've said he changes like the weather, and it's v hard for me. He just replied 'That's what grief is like, and it's 100 times harder for him'!

The last few evenings I've taken myself off with my i-pad & book, and only spoken to him if necessary. He's doing the same, ie, 'Your sister called/has the cat been fed?' type convos but nothing else.

I miss our closeness, and am obvs upset about his mum too, but he's making it impossible for me to support him. I expected him to apologize for how he spoke to me but he hasn't, I'm not going to accept being treated like this, and it's Easter weekend too, with both of us at home. 🤔

@Eyeroll2024

It is beyond disgusting that people are telling you to put up with being screamed at.

People are saying this?

Grief can be unbelievably exhausting, some people dont realise. When my mum died I was still young in my 20s, just moved in with BF. I was back in work a week later, too soon really but I was in a very stressful role and at that focused stage of my career, I also was doing something I didn't have enough experience in so was already struggling. Being 'on' all day was so tiring, I would come home from work and silently watch TV for hours or go for slow walks. I did not have the capacity for conversation. Support for me was silence. Anything else would have pushed me into anger. I do think by 6 weeks he should be processing a little better but it might just take a bit longer. Maybe a weekend away alone would be good for him?

A couple of posters have asked if he's treating anyone else this way.

No, dd's boyfriend asked the other day how he is, and his response was 'Well, you know, it is what it is'. A bit of a sign there he didn't want to talk, but absolutely no snapping or eye rolling.

I've also heard him on the phone talking to his family & mine. He'll actually SAY he hasn't got much to say, but doesn't snap at them. That unfortunately, is reserved for me! 🤔

This.

It doesn't matter what you want.

His mum just DIED.

Give the poor man a break!

Of course he's not going to speak to his in-laws or his daughter's boyfriend in an honest way - it's a completely different relationship. I speak to DH completely differently to how I speak to his dad or siblings!

Ideally he shouldn't be snapping at you but it does sound like you're going on a bit - just leave him alone and stop asking if he's okay. Because of course he's not okay.

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. It's hurtful when you feel you can't do anything right and grief doesn't give you the right to be rude. I think just give him the space he wants, get on with you're own thing and try be normal around him.

When my mum died last year, I pretty much shut down for a couple of weeks and I'm still struggling with it now. Best things for me were quiet, emotional space, understanding that it was difficult to function, plus quietly making sure I was eating and drinking. I hate being asked how I am, then and now. I'd rather just be.

I had to tell DH to stop asking he how I was or how I felt after my mum died. I didn't know how I felt and I didn't want to think about how U was to answer the question. The real answer was consumed with grief.
You think you are being supportive by asking him how he is, it may feel the exact opposite to him.

Ermmmm it kind of is though, it’s not rational.

It’s been 6 weeks OP. I know this is hard for you but give him time. He needs time and patience it’s to soon to be to harsh on him or expecting change atm.

I understand that you're feeling upset by this, and no it isn't t really ok. It HOWEVER, grief is awful. And sometimes we lash out at those who we are closest to and feel safe with. And talking on the phone to someone, you can manage yourself. But being around someone, sometimes you can't. He's human. Back off him, stop asking how he feels, accept that he might be a bit of a shit sometimes at the moment because he's hurting. You could try writing him a message, somethjng along the lines of 'i know you're really hurting. Can you tell me how best I can be supportive? Would you prefer me just to leave you to bring things up?' When things calm down a bit it us also OK to say, I know you're hurting, but please don't take it out on me becuase that hurts me.'

Asking how best you can be supportive is not a good idea I think. It puts the responsibility on him to use his energy to come up with ideas. My overwhelming memory of this time was using every scarp of energy I could summon just to get through the day. I had none left for any thinking like that.

He's probably struggling with loss of his DM (and the end of an era if his DF has already gone) and at 60ish years old probably the realisation of his own mortality as you all shuffle up a generation. He might also need to find a way to reframe his family relationships now his DM (the mainstay) has gone.

My siblings and I have struggled since DM died last year as she was the glue that kept us all together, and occasions like Xmas and Easter (which she enjoyed and made a fuss about) just feel hollow now as we're spread all over the UK and just don't meet up like we used to (our DC have left the nest too).

Can you have a calm chat and ask him how you can best support him (and he you) and find some common ground and a way forward?

It’s like kids behave at school and behave like ratbags at home. He’s holding it together in front of other people.

You’re wanting him to grieve the way you think he should. He isn’t. Just leave him alone. You’re not viewing this from his perspective: just yours.

I found my mum deceased in November and after the first week i just wanted to be left alone.
I wanted my space and no matter how lovely and caring my partner is I didn't want him around.
I miss her terribly and I'm still traumatised by the circumstances but I'm okay now and I'm enjoying my partners company again but i can't explain why I needed to be on my own x

I do know what you mean - my mum died last year. However he does also have a responsibility to those around him, and finding a way to help himself live with them without being an arse is part of that responsibility. Expressing what he needs is how to do that. Perhaps it would be better for the op to pose yes/no questions. I dont know.

It's only been 6 weeks.

I believe that your intentions are good and that you are wanting to be supportive. The difficulty is that grief - particularly with the loss of parents - is a major impact on a person on many levels and he probably doesn't even know what he wants or needs right now. I've had numerous bereavements in my life, but when it was my parents - whole different experience.

I've heard many people say not to make any major life decisions within at least the first year after losing a parent and I know why. It's because you're going through a transition as a person yourself and honestly, I struggled with minor daily decisions and tasks for a while. It's like your body and mind are going through this thing and you have zero control over it. Some days I was fine - other days the opposite - and it took next to nothing for me to feel completely overwhelmed.

There is, of course, bereavement counselling which I sought but it was too soon. The fact of the matter is that initially all you can do is go through it and give it time. The initial impact needs to be processed and that can take a while.

I can almost guarantee he doesn't mean to snap - I was a proper stroppy cow in the weeks after my parents' deaths. EVERYTHING felt like a demand (even though it wasn't) - everything felt overwhelming and 9 times out of 10 it will be the small things that feel too much.

The only advice I can give is to just give him space, don't make assumptions as to how he is feeling (even if well intentioned) and don't try to "cheer him up". Asking "how are you" and simply stating that you are there if/when he wants to talk is fine. Asking if there is anything you can do for him is tempting but right now, he wants the pain to go away and no one can do that, so that's when you might get him being snappy because you think to yourself "of course you can't bloody do anything - no one can! This is not fixable!". And again - he likely just can't think clearly right now.

It will get better with time - he will get there - but it DOES take time and 6 weeks is barely scratching the surface. There are no perfect answers to this unfortunately.

I get that. He is feeling safe enough to be able to put up a front.

But at the same time, the relationship between a parent and a child isn’t the sane than with a partner.
What a parent might accept isn’t always what a partner is willing to accept.

So I’d be very careful about doing a direct comparaison.

Grief is hard. A parent, a sibling, these are deaths that will hit you the hardest.
But you can’t use other people, incl your partner as an emotional punching bag.

Give the man peace. He needs to process his Mums death in his own way. Not everyone needs to talk every tiny detail through. Let him be.

I've said he changes like the weather, and it's v hard for me

I can’t believe you actually told him off for his mood impacting you! Shame on you! He’s grieving. You don’t matter right now, get your head down and get through it. Off load to friends about your feelings if you need to - your DH is the one person not to offload to right now.

It's only been six weeks. Have some compassion. I was devastated when my mother died. It was six months before I stopped crying every night and two years until I started to deal with it properly. It made me question everything and was the catalyst for my marriage ending (which was a good thing as my ex was abusive).

I take that point, but is he using the OP as an emotional punchbag or reacting to her unreasonable (in his eyes) attempts to control his grief?